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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 163
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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 163 |
Would you be together sooner if you took yourself out of selection? Selection is voluntary after all.
Me: 34 BH
Her: 31 FWW
DD (6)
DS (3)
D-day 2/2/13
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 395
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 395 |
I recently found out she has been taking money and putting it in a bank account other than the one we share. I asked her about it and she denies it. She also was already looking for divorce attorneys. This all taking place while we had been separated for 6 months and before I confessed to her. Are you certain there isn't an OM in her life. Seems like she is in a hurry to break up while all the focus is on your failures. Have you done any investigation?
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
Dude, this is not going to be a pleasant thing to hear.
1 - You have now twice said that you understand that your wife is justified in initiating divorce.
2- You added you would not begrudge her a fair settlement.
3- You have also resisted the (priceless) advice that your current life/career/existence (which strongly contributed to the marital problems fostering your path to infidelity) cannot possibly support the huge efforts (from the pair of you) to repair your marriage.
Net/net: Given #3, it is well you accept #1 and #2.
Your move, my friend.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
I dont think its feasible to ask someone to leave their job. Is the families means of financial security and although not ideal,distance is a reality for many couples. Its how that distance is managed and I suppose what can be done to restore trust in the relationship. Having an affair would have seriously added to the issues created by distance i.e. the requirement to trust that your partner, when out of sight, can adhere to boundaries and will respect marriage etc.
You didnt say what the pay off was for embarking on this affair and what need it fufilled?
Do you get any leave and is it possible to seek intervention in the form of marriage counselling etc? With due respect, you have recently discovered your own marriage suffering from infidelity (workplace-related) and your advice completely contradicts MB advice. You are not in a position to offer personal opinions on how to save a marriage from an affair. I suggest reading MB materials in-depth about this issue because you need to. Your husband will have to leave his job too if there is any hope. Starting with "with due respect" doesn't make what you posted any less condescending. How long have you been married? February 2010 and practicing MB principles since I registered. I apologize if I am condescending, but Siofra has joined only a few days ago with her own husband's workplace affair(s), so I don't think it is fair for this OP to be misled about how much his military separation (or any job separation) will prevent a romantic marriage (let alone fix a failing marriage). Her personal opinion completely contradicts Dr. Harley's advice and if I recall, he has been married 50+ years, so perhaps that is good enough for you?
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
This man cannot win his wife back by letting her live apart from him for 4.5 years, going to bed each night not knowing what he is doing with who, it's just not going to happen.
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
@ BrainHurts - Thank you and I will look at those links.
@Jedi Knight - I would have the ability to move my family out to NC after I go through selection. My wife told me I should enjoy my time with the kids now because they wont be moving out there.
I recently found out she has been taking money and putting it in a bank account other than the one we share. I asked her about it and she denies it. She also was already looking for divorce attorneys. This all taking place while we had been separated for 6 months and before I confessed to her.
The 6 months apart definitely hurt our marriage but, the thing is without this separation I would never have come to realize what was so important to me. I would never have changed.
Maybe this is all a lost cause already... I suggest you read the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley. You can also get it on audio book format.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Here's another good show and they are also a Military couple. Radio Clip of a Military Marriage Segment #2 Segment #3 Segment #4
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 1 |
ChrisNB,
If you want a chance to heal your relationship with your wife, you must do drastic things. Is your marriage your #1 priority? There are options with the military. My husband was active duty Air Force, then he found a job with the Air Guard, retrained, and now he is with the Guard Reserve. He comes home every night and won't deploy. We believe God has honored our choices and made changes possible because we wanted to honor Him and made our marriage our #1 priority.
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