I'll save my response for after your radio call.

But, basic progression;


1) UA time, UA time, UA time...

2) Possibly work on some of the Sexual Aversion exercises...

3) For the short term, turn scheduled SF nights into.... hmmmm... heavy affection sessions. The problem here, is it will likely drive your husband nuts. The other idea, would be to learn how to properly turn SF nights into an event, even after the date. For instance, your husband could draw a hot bath for you, and make the bedroom up - make sure it's clean, light some candles (scented, even better - I recommend lavender), and make sure the bed is made. Soft music, and bring you in for a full body massage.

SF will be far more attractive if it is an EVENT.

That sounds like great advice, HHH.

**EDIT**

I went back and read the thread going back to Feb this year. You want excitement. OK, plan some exciting dates and engage in enthusiastic SF as a part of those dates.

I'm confident that pretty soon, he'll have more enthusiasm for those things. Why? Because he connect the dots, exciting dates lead to exciting SF.

What do you have to lose? You want to get to the point where you really want him. So plan some excitement you said you wanted and show him that with that excitement comes a bounty of sexual fulfillment.

**EDIT**

They need more UA time and she says she wants more excitement. It's time for her to stop waiting for it to happen and become proactive about both the exciting dates and exciting and enthusiastic SF.

Agreed. Something has to give and changes have to be made.

Waiting for something to happen isn't working too well for either of them.

He won't hang around forever, and he's approaching the two year mark in this if memory serves. At some point, he and the kids are going to have to escape the limbo.

FC,

Do you feel like you deserve to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband?

There is no wrong answer here...

Yep, according to FTF's signature:


Coming up on two years since the original D-Day and a trickle truth about what happened.

Let me go look to his threads...

The six year old likely has no memory of his parents ever being happy together, and that's the kid of thing that you never forget.

Such a shame.

We could spend all day together doing whatever
and I still wouldn't want to have sex with him. - fc, 12 July 2013

Well, Ma'am, all other things being immaterial, it must be said that it's
rare to meet a person who so well knows, and will speak to, her own mind.

She is following the program perfectly by being radically honest about her feelings. Her feelings result from the love bank. Her husband needs to change this, and she will need to work with him to facilitate that. Which is exactly what she's doing.

So if he's tried meeting your needs, but stops, and you say you cannot describe your needs, how is he supposed to figure this out?

I'm not saying he shouldn't try to meet your needs. What I'm asking is what are you doing to give him a clear map to find the path to meet your needs?

The situation, as I see it is that you know his need very well, but are not enthusiastic about meeting it. He is enthusiastic about meeting your needs, if only someone would define what they are and provide examples of success in meeting them.

The problem is the goal is not well defined when it comes to meeting your needs.

Apparently he was meeting your needs enough that you agreed to marry him. The OM was meeting your needs enough that you were willing to engage in SF with him.

So what was it about those past circumstances that lead you to SF enthusiasm or the enthusiasm to get married?

Really, is that your reading of her note?

I've gone back over the posting yet again, and whereas you attribute her statement to her feelings TODAY, as in "I do not want to have sex with him!", I believe a more accurate reading would be a defiant projection of the impossibility of any change in her rejection of sexual desire regardless of how much UA time (and other ENs?) she were to receive. In essence she is stating that she knows better than the MB sorority that in her case, no amount of UA (and affiliated ENs) would be permitted to change her mind. It's almost like she said,

We could spend all day together doing whatever and I still wouldn't want to have sex with him.

(Oh, wait, that's exactly what she said!)

So I complimented fc on her self-awareness and honesty.

But we have the source here, right? FC, tell us that you miswrote your post, that you will approach UA enthusiastically, and open-mindedly, with FTF, the person who has so far extended you every opportunity to grab the line he has tossed you to save your marriage. Explain that you are not committed to "not wanting" FTF, and that you actively hope that the efforts he and you will invest in the UA time will change the sexual dynamic between you. (You can even copy this paragraph, change the pronouns and re-post as your affirmation.)

I know Markos would rejoice in his well-earned "I-told-you-so" at my expense, but I would not mind this particular correction at all!

She is following UA enthusiastically, and Dr. Harley says it works even if you go into it believing it will not work.

The needs that need to be met, EE, are Intimate Conversation, Affection and possibly Recreational Companionship, for 15 hours a week at a MINIMUM. They are not getting those hours in, and this is why nothing has changed. We already know what EN she needs that are not being met -- the Intimate EN!

If they follow the plan here, Dr. Harley says her feelings about sex will turn around.

They only got 9 hours of UA last week, so there is the problem, right there. Focusing on anything else is a distraction until this, the most obvious problem, is rectified.

All of the slights on her enthusiasm boggle my mind. An unenthusastic wife would not have joined into the program and done the things she has done.

Dr. Harley does not solve these problems by saying disrespectful things to the former wayward.

She is following UA enthusiastically,

We disagree.

Any chance we can see what Dr. Harley tells them on Tuesday before we bury them under additional suggestions that she is not doing her part?

Yes, but you're manifestly wrong.

Or he was doing 15+ hours, but the SF with enthusiasm didn't happen as promised and he's looking at it as if we should take her own words at face value.

She has said this. At other times she has said he was doing a good job of meeting her needs and she still feels the same.

Maybe at some point, we simply take her at her word. If she says nothing will make her want SF, then maybe she means nothing will make her want SF.

UA hours posted on FightTheFight's thread:
And only 9 hours last week. They are not getting 15 hours a week.

But according to Marriage Builders, her feelings about that will change completely after her husband makes enough love bank deposits. That is the plan here, and it is the only one we have. We don't need to make up a solution.

Here is it from Dr. Harley's own mouth:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=68

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03272
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03273
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03274