He wants to take me to his attorney Monday to cancel the divorce filing and get the rest of his retainer refunded. I replied that I was excited to hear that but apprehensive at the same time. I asked him to read my email again and do some of those things first.

My atty is supposed to be responding to the filing Monday.

So IF this is for real, what are the next steps? Obviously nc letter. Do I let him move back in right away? Or have him "date" me for a while? Is this the start of withdrawal? From SAA, It sounds like we don't really work on the relationship for a few weeks?

What were your conditions that you gave him for you to work on recovery?

He needs to write the NC before you even think of allowing him back.

What has happened that has caused you to break Plan B? Has he met all of your conditions? If he has met ALL of your conditions, then I would give him a few months to prove his sincerity before you even consider dropping the divorce.

Why did you break Plan B?

Megz,

You haven't followed the plans AT ALL. You haven't been in plan B. You've been in communication this whole time. I hate to say it but you're heading for false recovery number 8 or whatever.

You need to go dark and face your own demons. He is not ready to change and you probably know this but just want to believe so much.

get serious about the MB plans or go your own way.

Sorry I should have said all that contact was through the IM.

Here are the conditions I put in the plan b email:

Thank you for the link brain hurts.

I had been wondering what sort of attitude to expect since in SAA it sounded like Sue didn't really want to reconcile and just did for the kids and had a bad attitude for a while. So reading the experiences in that thread helped clarify and sounds all too familiar. My WH still has a long way to go, I will continue with my plans.

Why should you have said that? According to your own posts, all contact has NOT been through the IM. During the brief time period you are referring to as "Plan B," he was able to contact you directly (you didn't even block his email) and he was able to see and talk with you face-to-face while exchanging the kids.

You never prevented him from being able to contact you directly, so you have never been in Plan B.

An IM who knew what to do wouldn't have even forwarded you this info about him going to the attorney. A proper IM would have reiterated your conditions and never have told you about the letter.

You're getting your chain yanked every other day by an insincere wayward who simply wants more cake. And you've lost credibility with him because you're not sticking to your guns.

Plan B is hard at first because it leaves you alone with your own feelings. You've been running on adrenaline for a while and it seems like you're reluctant to go dark and just work through what's happened to you.

You put off plan B for months when everyone here was urging you to do it FOR YOU. FOR YOUR WELL BEING.

I'm sorry but this is a mess and taking him back now is a set up for more pain. Get dark and stay dark. Tell your IM he needs to complete every task on the list and prove it before IM will even alert you.

Also, asking him to explain why he did this is completely ridiculous. Does it matter? There's no good answer and the answer changes as the wayward defogs.

Sorry I meant the last exchange was through the IM. Yes he has had too much access to me.

I am now blocking everything and have someone else to meet him to exchange kids.

The IM has some fine tuning to do. I might get a different one anyway who is more black and white.

Thanks for your help everyone. I'm definitely not good at this!

Megz, have you explained to your IM what the point of Plan B is? It is not to pass on his messages but to ONLY pass on essential messages about child visitation and finances. That's it!!

Has anyone provided you the IM training school link? Have you read it? Has your IM read it?

Yes. The MODS merged the Sample Plan B letters and IM Training School link also in the "How to Plan B Correctly" link.
Here it is again Megz and I would email it to your IM.
IM Training School

That last sentence concerns me because it suggests you still think Plan B is about reducing WH's access to you. It isn't. Plan B is about completely eliminating WH's access to you. Any access is too much when you are in Plan B. In fact, if WH has the ability to access you directly--in any way, shape or form--you cannot consider yourself to be in Plan B. You haven't even begun Plan B yet. In order to do so, you'll need to (a) plug all the holes through which WH could try to access you, (b) find a new mediator, and (c) make sure your new mediator will block all the communications your current mediator has been forwarding to you.

Once you are settled into a dark Plan B, you will feel so much better. You have been going through hell, but it is in your power to put an end to it. There are limits to how much emotional abuse a human being can endure without having a mental breakdown. As a mother of 4 young children, you can't afford to push that limit. This has already gone on far too long. When you put an end to it, you'll feel safer psychologically. You'll be able to hear yourself think, and you'll gradually start to feel like yourself again. In time, you'll see that you are stronger than you ever realized. You can do this. You really can.

Thanks so much for your help! Figuring out a very dark plan b.
what about kids activities? They don't have a lot of activities except 4h horse show in August, which is a big deal. I don't want to see him there.

Here.
Important/Special Events in Plan B

Wow, Brainhurts, that thread is revealing! I had never considered that my kids wouldn't want WH there!! But my 9 yr old is very understanding, so I don't think she will mind when he's not. I'm not even going to tell him about it. She can share afterward.

Good.

Is this something she has done previously?

Brainhurts, I'm not sure what you mean about something she has done previously.

If you mean telling WH about her events afterward....We haven't had any events so far in Plan B to share about.

On another note...how can I change my thread title?

What I meant, is this this the first time DD9 has performed in this event? If it isn't her first then he should already know it's coming up.

So in other words, it's not your problem.

When you hit reply you just change the title at the subject line.