I need a drink

Dr. Harley will say we need more UA time

I would suggest you have a list ready for him of obstacles that you see to doing this. What things make it difficult, practically and emotionally?

I would go a step beyond that and do some personal brain storming regarding potential solutions. Complaints are the first step, and they are out there. I don't recall seeing a list the obstacles step. I do recall brainstorming solutions as part of the process. Unless I am thinking of something else.

List the obstacles -

"Guideline 2: Identify the problem from both perspectives."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

I thought we knew the problem. Not enough UA. She said it was not exciting and IC is lacking. Now there may be more. But what is the next step as this one seems well worn here?

Guideline 3: Brainstorm with abandon

Here's a good show.
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Well I had my list all ready including some solutions but didn't get to use it!

Have you guys gone over the list and solutions?

So share it with us!

It sounded like a good show, FC. What did you think of it?

It sounds to me like the big problem has been what surfaced early in the conversation: that UA time has been something you're both not enjoying.

Let's expand, shall we?



The key right know, FC, is that whatever activities you and your husband do during UA time should be enjoyed by the BOTH of you. With low Love Bank balances, it's hard to picture enjoying UA time with each other. But, that actually comes after UA time that you both enjoy.

It's really all about the Love Bank here. Love Units, deposits, are all about positive memories attributed to somebody else - and you are focusing on making those associations about your spouse.

So, even with low Love Bank balances, if you engage - together - in activities which you BOTH enjoy immensely, Love Bank deposits are made. The more positive memories you create with your husband, the more you will fall in love with him.

Ok, act like you want to feel. I know that sounds silly, but it works for me in so many areas. I can be down and not want to get out of bed, but I make myself smile, make myself interact and most days I feel better by doing that. So, you need to ACT like you want to be in love with your husband again.

I suggested to him and I will suggest to you as well that for at least a month, you pretend that you just started dating. Where would you want to go to have some fun? Put some effort into your appearance and go somewhere FUN ( NO MORE BORING DATES)

Then act curious about him. Pretend you don't know him at all. Look into his eyes and ask him about himself. Gaze into his eyes and smile. Just enjoy getting to know him. Find at least 3 things you like about him and tell him that. ( You might start a list of all the things he does well: Does he play well with the kids? Does he have the most gorgeous brown eyes ( oops, sorry that is my hubby!_ You get the idea. But act like you want to feel. I'm betting that if you do this for a month, the feelings will come.

But you have to decide and right now I'm feeling like you have given up. You have decided it will never work, and if that is the case then tell your husband and plan for the divorce and quit stringing him along. But if you DO want to stay together and you DO want this to work, then no more wishy washy, no more half measure. Pour your whole self into acting like you are in love and you want to be in love. It is up to you at this point.

I'm not sure about this approach. We could ask Dr. Harley about it. Faking how one feels is rather difficult to do and may fall into the "leaving a false impression" category.

Are there some things you could do, FC, that can build your marriage that don't feel like sacrifice to you? If so, do them even if you don't believe they will work, so long as it isn't sacrifice. Your belief isn't a requirement, but actions are.

I think I understand what you are saying, but I know that Dr. Harley has said that many times people don't FEEL like getting the 15 hours and he has to convince them to do that even when they don't FEEL like it. I also know that he says the groundwork for good conversation is to make it pleasant. To me, that means smile, truly be INTERESTED in what the person is saying. Now, you may not FEEL like doing that. You may FEEL like just sitting there with a scowl on your face because you want to be anywhere but there, but that would not make the conversation pleasant.

Now, that said....I do agree with not sacrificing. Which is why I took sex off the table. It is also why I stressed that they find RC activities that they BOTH enjoy. So I do agree with that...

But at some point she has to decide that she wants this marriage and that means doing things like having the 15 hours, having pleasant conversation, etc that she may not FEEL like doing. But getting that 15-20 hours will bring the feelings back. She can't WAIT until she FEELS like having the 15 hours. So maybe she doesn't act like they just started to date...ok fine. But she somehow has to go into the 15 hours with an open mind!!!

We have great conversations during our UA time but it's mostly about the kids or how it's going at his job. The conversations aren't very intimate. He brought it up last week and I didn't even realize we were doing that. I thought just talking to him was IC but it's not unless we share hopes, dreams, etc.

OK, well share it with us.

Don't get tied up in that, there are several levels of intimate conversation. This is even more important to realize when it comes to implementing EPs with the opposite sex.

Simply talking about music or movies you like is Intimate conversation. Talking about your children? Intimate conversation. It's a part of your life. If you divorced tomorrow and starting dating again Saturday, you would talk about your children with your date because it is a significant part of your life.


Focus less on topics, and more on keeping conversation pleasant and safe. Pleasant and safe should be your only restrictions.

Here's your show.
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