That's a big problem, right there!

Wow Prisca,
We survive an affair and divorce over a game. That's a hard pill to swallow.

It's really not two single events, with the lesser one the gaming. It's his habit of independent behavior and lack of care for you.

To have a great marriage, both spouses need to learn to consider each others feelings in everything they do.

Dr. Harley is very clear on this. If your marriage isn't better after 2 years of the affair then it was pre-affair that you might need to see of it's ready to quit.

You can't keep living in a miserable marriage. You two keep committing Love Busters.

Dr. Harley says that ANYTHING that is carved out as an "exception" to the policy of joint agreement can (and will) eventually ruin a marriage.

Exactly. If he is really not willing to use POJA, and start showing you care, then is it worth you staying in the marriage?

You haven't survived his affair, btw, Surviving the affair is more than just getting through it and living in a marriage still riddled with independent, thoughtless behavior. It's all about building an integrated life, and a fulfilling romantic marriage. OR healing on your own, separated from him.

If you don't have that, then you haven't survived yet.

He's going to have to choose between you or his games.

I agree with everyone,

My POV was progress not perfection,

Yes we made huge progress from the 2 years of hell post A.

Yes we made great progress with EPs, there has been NO broken EPs in 2 years now, no inappropriate contact with the opposite sex, no opposite sex friendships a part from my best friend being a male (happily married gay male) and absolute total transparency among many other iron clad EPs.

Made progress with Meeting EN's and UA time.

What we need to work on is

POJA everything not just what suits him.

AO (this is my issue not his and happens when I get frustrated about a POJA that he brakes)

And LBs on both our parts.

RC activities are a bit of a struggle due to finances and shift work, we are exploring local activities so working on it.

Timeline is also essential when you look at our journey

I didn't get to MB till one year after DD, we limped along for 2 years after that in FR and Waywardness still going on mentally from him. We got into real recover nearly 2 years ago and the game issue started 6-8 months ago. This is a total of 5 years post DDay.

Question is, do I accept progress and keep working at the 3 issues we are struggling with or is it time to call it quits?

We are going on our first ever family holiday in 2 weeks time, there will be a no phones rule for both of us so I want to use that time to show him the difference of my attitude with him when the game is not involved, hoping when we get back the ADs would have kicked in full force and the time we spent away from the game will influence him to give it up for good volontarity without resentment towards me. Is this plan any good?

When was your last AO? Do you understand Dr. Harley would tell him to separate from you until you have your AOs under control and you've joined an anger management program?

Anger Management 101

Or I should say, what are you going to do to get your AOs under control? What are you going to do to stop committing Love Busters? To clean up your side of the street?


Angry Outbursts

My last AO was 1 month ago when he played the game instead of helping me with a grocery shop.

My AO's aren't the typical AO's no screaming or cussing. When I get angry at him I shut down and don't want to talk to him basically give him the cold shoulder treatment, if he harasses me for communication I make hurtful comments like "go away" or some DJ comment like calling him Peter Pan the boy who refuses to grow up etc.

His AOs are aimed at inanimate objects like if he bumps into a table it's the tables fault kind of thing or if he's performing a task he gets aggressive with the implements he is using.

Here's Dr. Harley's comments on video games, which I find very relevant:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03299

There is another radio segment where Dr. Harley mentions that he himself personally packed away his video games years ago, because he realized it was causing him to ignore his wife. They are still in a box. I figure it's probably an Atari or something.

I'm looking for that segment to post it. Currently listening to February 7, 2012, but I don't think that's it, because that's not the timeframe I've been listening to lately...

Here's a good show on gaming.
Radio Clip on Gaming
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thanks for the links, just remember that this game is an app on his iPhone so we are not talking about a game console kind of thing which he does not play regularly at all and we have them in the house primarily for the kids to play on.

Woke up to this morning to H saying he is not enthusiastic about our allotment and he is not enthusiastic about coming to the shop. I am truly shocked, he has not said this before now and it comes accross as a bullying situation where he has been called out about his gaming so he's trying to force me to be enthusiastic about it by threatening our time together.

I didn't rise to it, I said "I am upset you never told me how you felt about this before, of course if you are not enthusiastic about those things then you don't go to the allotment or come to the shop from now on until we can both enthusiastically agree a way forward regarding those issues"

He went to take the kids to their grandparents so when he gets back I will ask he deletes the game app off his phone as I am willing to respect how he feels about the allotment and shop so expect him to do the same about the game.

May the negotiations begin.

I'm quite certain such comments as above make you a much more attractive companion than a game!


So... if you want your husband to make you his favorite RC companion, why not try being a pleasant companion by eliminating these Love Busters.

The above comment would be BOTH a DJ and an AO.

Even a bit of snippiness or shortness in your voice is an AO. The comment as above is why I have always refused to deal with anyone while they are angry, or while I am angry; an angry person aims only to injure the other person. That comment is meant to injure. It is a textbook example of a Love Buster; a foolish and abusive manner to try to get our spouse to meet our needs.

He is being honest with you. That's not bullying - he just learned that he is not supposed to be sacrificing.


Well, he is being honest about it now.

HHH,

I have maintained that I am in the wrong with these comments throughout this thread, I was explaining the type of AOs I take part in not justifying them in any way, my AOs are definitely tone and wording related rather than screaming matches.

I am working on them and although I am highly wound up with H today no AO occurred mostly silence with some benign chatter throughout the day.

Markos,

With all due respect I know my H and he is not being honest he is being vindictive and manipulative.

I said we needed to POJA the game and until we both come to an enthusiastic agreement we do nothing.

Next thing I know he goes downstairs and deletes this game app. That's not POJA, that's not doing nothing.

UA time was horrific, he was sulking the whole time mourning his game. I'm not repeating myself and I'm not nagging or falling for this tactic, I hate game playing and won't participate in this behaviour.

There was no shop today but there are vegetables ready to collect from the allotment, knowing he is not enthusiastic about the allotment I wanted to go alone with the kids, he insisted he wanted to go with us, so where is the claim that he is not enthusiastic coming from??? He's the one who put our family on a waiting list for a plot of land to grow our own, I didn't have anything to do with it. His parents owned this kind of thing when he was little and he applied for it and I supported him and got stuck in. Now because I won't be manipulated into agreeing to the game all of a sudden he is not enthusiastic about this plot.

Ps. Funny enough he was overjoyed to run the shop on his own last Friday. Checked the CCTV and he was playing the game the whole day at the shop.
Now he claims he has never been enthusiastic about the shop, are you starting to understand why I don't believe he is being honest??