|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
The only reason I haven't extended it to a leave of absence is that I don't feel I deserve any "vacation". This is an excuse. TAKE the vacation time and find another job. Your marriage has NO hope as long as you work with the OW. NONE. If you want your marriage, you will do what ever it takes to find another job. Let me discuss with my wife. Their financial stability is what matters most. Please see prior post where I exposed the affair at work to a person I work with extensively to ensure I am not around OW. If you continue to work with OW, your marriage will not recover. You are headed for a divorce, which will make their financial situation even worse. Take the vacation time and find a new job.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Take the vacation time and find a new job. If you do not, I would advise your wife to kick you out and file for separation or divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22 |
Their financial stability is what matters most. Let me quietly suggest that you may be the WORST judge of priorities and of what "matters most" on this thread.  True.
Last edited by jrmountains; 07/14/13 12:22 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
...self-observation wherein I need to work on a character flaw in myself. I have always been the type to "do too much" to try to help others out (unclear boundaries). I now recognize that this is a character flaw wherein I need to draw better boundaries...
And the part about 'trying to do too much'? -- careful, dude. In the early days after my affair, I also spewed some so-called 'reasoning' along those lines. It makes it sound almost as if you're so altrusitic that you put yourself at heightened risk for an affair -- as if it was some sort of noble instinct or impulse on your part that just went wrong.
First, not much will make your wife more hopeless about recovery or more wary of giving you a 2nd chance than the idea that this is part of your character. And in a way, it's letting yourself off the hook too easily. It was not so much a character flaw, but rather, a whole series of selfish decisions & choices on your part.
If you're the type who tries to "do too much" for other women, it's not because you've had this irrepressible, inborn charitable urge or noble streak. It's because you were making choices to seek out affirmation/attention/admiration from these other women. Those things are key emotional needs for many guys, and as long as we stick to our spouses for having them met, that's OK. But any of us who start deciding to get them from people other than our spouses are choosing to go down a very dark & dangerous path whenever we choose it.
Whether it's choosing to lend a hand with moving some furniture, or choosing to lend an ear to someone who wants to complain about her marriage, to choose to do so doesn't stem from any altruistic bent of character. Quite the opposite. You were choosing to do things for the attention, for the thanks, for being well-thought-of, for the little ego-rush that comes from having someone unexpectedly rely on you as a confidant. You weren't trying to do too much. (Just like I wasn't trying to do too much when I continued listening to the woman who was one of my fellow singers on the church music team, when she started subtly complaining to me about her husband.) You were trying to see how far you could let the conversations go, to keep the shots of ego-booster coming. And shutting those conversations off was the minimum you needed to be trying to do in order to protect your marriage, to protect your wife's feelings. Yet you were trying to not shut those conversations off! (By the way, I'm whispering to you here, for emphasis.) Jr., don't you see that you were trying to do too little?
To say you were trying to do too much is like trying to lay a shine on a turd -- you can rub & rub all you want, but that sucker's never gonna shine. Don't ever say again, especially around your wife, that you think your affair was because you try to do too much.
The good news is, it's possible to stop making those wrong choices. You're onto realizing something important when you talk about boundaries. Yours sucked. Just like almost 5 years ago, for a few terrible months, mine sucked. Something I learned: You don't EVER tolerate another woman dishing to you about dissatisfactions in her marriage. Never, no, and N.F.W, my friend. If a conversation goes that way, you shut it the hell down -- if necessary, by turning around & running away. Any woman (single, or as in my case, married), other than maybe your mother, who starts spilling confidences to you about her marriage, is 100% trouble. And if you've been spending enough time alone with any woman such that she feels comfortable taking a flyer on sharing her personal problems with you, then your boundaries are already trodden-over.
The good news is, YOU are the one who chooses your boundaries, and chooses whether & how vigilantly to defend them. The bad news is, to realize this, you've had to plunk yourself & your wife into the hell that gets wreaked on a marriage when you let those boundaries go undefended, when you let someone else inside your marriage's perimeter wire.
And it'll be a long time before you GET how much it hurts. Someday if you stick around, maybe you can read about how my wife (who, in the course of her profession, has seen lots of infants die) wrote, comparing the feeling to the grief, bitterness & pain that parents feel upon the death of their child. I don't know if it's that way for everyone, but you'd do well to imagine that that's what you allowed to happen inside your wire.
Let the knowledge of this motivate you -- not to self-pity, but to actions that will serve to protect your wife's feelings & may possibly leave open the door to her someday choosing to gradually, in increments, allow herself to be emotionally vulnerable to you again.
I've walked in your shoes for a spell, jr. You got questions? Ask.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22 |
GloveOil,
Thanks for the well thought-out post. What I refer to as a character flaw is exactly what you describe; seeking out, by choice, affirmation, validation, etc.
I am working on being more conscientious of my thinking and rationalization. This helps.
Best,
JR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22 |
Glove,
Any additional insight, thoughts, or feelings around the steps, time, and anything else that might save this family and marriage?
I don't know if she will visit this forum again. My regret can never come close to filling the void and wound I have created. While I can't understand fully the magnitude of her pain, I am beginning to grasp that (that I will never fully understand).
Short version:
I did selfish and extremely painful things, including deception and worse for a long time.
I chose to hurt those I love - or should have consistently loved - the most
I am a fool... Period.
There are no excuses for MY choices
I took everything that was sacred and dear and stomped on it.
I love my wife and my family.
I haven't shown it.
I don't deserve any chances, but I hope that we can try.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I don't know if she will visit this forum again. I would not worry too much about her willingness to visit the forum or not at this point. At this stage of the game, if you can make large enough, consistent enough love bank deposits, and protect her from withdrawals (love busters on your part, including risky behavior that fails to protect her from the trauma of an affair), then her feelings toward you may begin to change, and she may be willing to give you a chance to reconcile the marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22 |
Repeatedly. I have a lot to do.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22 |
I don't know if she will visit this forum again. I would not worry too much about her willingness to visit the forum or not at this point. At this stage of the game, if you can make large enough, consistent enough love bank deposits, and protect her from withdrawals (love busters on your part, including risky behavior that fails to protect her from the trauma of an affair), then her feelings toward you may begin to change, and she may be willing to give you a chance to reconcile the marriage. My complete focus right now...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
Sorry if I missed your answer somewhere in the thread, but have you changed your contact info (phone #s and e-mail addresses) to ones that the OW doesn't know?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
The only reason I haven't extended it to a leave of absence is that I don't feel I deserve any "vacation". This is an excuse. TAKE the vacation time and find another job. Your marriage has NO hope as long as you work with the OW. NONE. If you want your marriage, you will do what ever it takes to find another job. Let me discuss with my wife. Their financial stability is what matters most. Please see prior post where I exposed the affair at work to a person I work with extensively to ensure I am not around OW. Do you understand that you cannot come into ANY contact AT ALL with OW without it endangering your M? You are literally taking any chance of recovery and squandering it with EACH and EVERY contact. It does not matter that you have someone at work watching. Not only does continued contact keep the addictive feelings alive, it will be twisting the knife in your BW's back every time you go into work. I would also advise your wife that my WxH also exposed himself at work and had people "watching" and the affair continued and he stayed foggy. This whole "a person at work will be watching" does not amount to much. Any contact = affair continues. If you can take a leave of absense, TAKE it. Don't be foolish and take further risks with your M if you can avoid it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Sorry if I missed your answer somewhere in the thread, but have you changed your contact info (phone #s and e-mail addresses) to ones that the OW doesn't know? He answered this with a "I ended contact" vague type of answer. But he had to be asked more than once, by you and then followed up by BH.  jr, you don't understand what NC means. NC means you leave the job and all ways that OW had access to you are changed and she is BLOCKED. As of right now, you are still in contact. = NO marital recovery is possible until this changes.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I am his wife. He told me to try this site, and here I find him seeking pity.
He has taken everything from me. My home is tainted, my cars, my furniture, memories, my birth experience and now he will get my babies part time.
How do I move forward? All I have is hate and anger in my heart. Especially for the other woman. She knew I existed, saw me pregnant at company events, held my baby, sent me a baby gift. She went to a family event with MY family. I felt sorry for her. And all the time she is sleeping with my husband. She is so disgusting. I do not think it is possible to forgive the levels of betrayal. He talked to her more than me, I saw the records. They talked about me. She planted seeds that I was lazy and spoiled for taking maternity leave. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the levels of deceit and lies that were told to hide this affair. He brought her into my home while my children slept and I was at work. They rented hotel rooms and left work early, while i fed, bathed and cared for my children.
He told her he loved her while next to me in the delivery room.
When she popped into his work picture, she was in going through a divorce. My exact words- I don't trust her, but I trust you completely.
I just want to know how to get rid of the anger and rage, it is consuming me. I want to move on with my life without being bitter. For the sake of my children. I don't want to be with him. I just need to know how to be whole again for my babies.
He deserves no sympathy. None. jr, print this out and look at it EVERY time you think about going into work and coming into contact with this POS OW. All of these feelings will be triggered and brought to the surface for your BW EVERY time you have contact. She will not be able to begin to heal. NC is designed to not only end the affair but because ANY FURTHER CONTACT is incredibly cruel and disrespectful to your BW.
Last edited by SusieQ; 07/15/13 12:17 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
Sorry if I missed your answer somewhere in the thread, but have you changed your contact info (phone #s and e-mail addresses) to ones that the OW doesn't know? He answered this with a "I ended contact" vague type of answer. But he had to be asked more than once, by you and then followed up by BH.
He hasn't addressed that question even vaguely. He has not yet begun to answer that question. indeed. Glove,
Any additional insight, thoughts, or feelings around the steps, time, and anything else that might save this family and marriage?
Maybe you're off reading "Surviving An Affair" and making a list of extraordinary precautions & begining to carry them out. Maybe you're on the phone with your cellphone provider & your internet service provider to get your numbers & contact addresses changed to ones that the OW won't know. Maybe you're breaking your back to help your wife extra with your young children. Maybe you're starting to grasp the paralyzing fear you plunge your wife into every time you contemplate going back into a work environment where you'll be at peril of daily contact with the woman who's gone such a long way toward inconsiderately & indiscriminately shattering your wife's life as she knew it.
Or not, for all I know.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Have you written a letter to the OW explaining that you NEVER want any form of contact with her again?
You will find samples on this site, write on and give to your wife to mail. She gets to KNOW FOR CERTAIN that it is delivered.
You need to block every form of contact that OW had to you.
Change phone numbers, emails, address.
Read and understand the concepts here.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
326
guests, and
50
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
