Hello I am new here, but have been lurking for nearly a month now, trying to learn everything I can. To begin with I am the one who had an affair, felt guilty and told my wife the next day. As everyone can expect she said she wanted to work on our marriage, which was a surprise to me as for about 2 to 3 years all I ever got from her was how much she hated me, and how much of a mistake I ever was. Please bear in mind this is not an excuse for my actions. After a few days she demanded I move out, she wanted a divorce. I did. I found this site since, and have been learning and doing everything I can off the advice of the many articles, Q&A�s as well as posts o this forum. My wife eventually hit bottom (as I did as well) but she actually contemplated suicide and asked me to come back. I have been back for maybe three weeks (I think) Anyway I have showed her this website, but she hasn�t been too interested in it really but seemed glad I was trying to do something. So as of to date I have made available all my information, emails bank info everything. Wrote a no contact letter for her to deliver (which she has not and doesn�t seem interested in delivering it yet too). I have also made an appointment with a counselor (next Wednesday).
The thing is I realize now that she must love me on some level. I also realize how much I have hurt her. She does seem to like the fact I am trying sometimes, but at other times she does not.
My question is this is there something I am doing wrong, are there other things I should be doing? BTW I have not even seen my affair partner, do not want to ever, and am fully committed to see my marriage through in case anyone is wondering.
Any advice? Also since I was the adulterer anyone who wants to let me have it that�s okay with me too, I no doubt need to be told that, and to be honest no one here cannot possibly make me feel even worse than I already do.

Oklahoma,

My question is this is there something I am doing wrong, are there other things I should be doing? BTW I have not even seen my affair partner, do not want to ever,

Has the OWH, other womans husband or boyfriend, been informed of what happened? It's your job to confess.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to MB.

Your BW is in insurmountable pain.

Have you changed all your contact information so your OW can't contact you?

Who was your OW? Is she married? Do you work with her? How does you meet her?

What conditions allowed your affair? Cell phone, computer, work?

What just compensation have you given your BW? What EPs have you put in place?

What Love Busters do you commit?

Do you have the book SAA? If not, buy it ASAP.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Oaklahoma.

I would give your marriage excellent chances of recovery as long as you are strict with following Dr. Harley's recommendations. Your wife's enthusiasm for Marriage Builders will probably grow as you get better at proving she is secure with you and as you get better at meeting her emotional needs. Dr. Harley is actually usually optimistic for a marriage where the husband is on board with the Marriage Builders program, even if the wife is not at first.

Please view this video, if you haven't already:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Do you have Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair? I would get it and read it!

Hi all and thanks.
First, to Gamma, ow does not have a significant other (at least so far as I know)The whole affair lasted a total of three weeks.

To BrainHurts, yes all my contact info has been changed (sorry I didn't include that). I did include a final (and rather harsh) goodby email before I closed the account I used. Showed it to my wife, and the no contact letter I wrote for my wife to deliver is pretty much the same thing, almost word for word.I knew the ow from work, since then I have spoken with my supervisor and she is temporarily moved somewhere else, while I have arrainged to transfer out of state. Wife is somwehat agreable to that but she also says she doesn't want to move. I am buying a new house there, and also paying off the house we currently have. I am new here and haven't yet learned all the acronyms so please forgive me if I ask what exactly are "ep's" As far as compensation, can you explain that concept too? I don't know but am willing to do anything, and thats why I posted. As far as a love buster I would have to say in all this is my dishonesty especially with the affair. I know she is in deep pain, and I cant stand it that I caused it.

To Markos, thanks for the encourgment, you gave me some hope. Yes I got that book, and am currently on chapter 5. Thanks also for the video, will watch that next.

Thanks for answering my questions.

Here to help.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

EPs=Extraordinary Precautions.

Have you been tested for STD/STIs?

Have you answered ALL your BWs questions?

So you can still communicate with OW at work?

Here is the explanation of Just Compensation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33&subsublink=278
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33&subsublink=279
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33&subsublink=280

Your wife will feel that you have given her just compensation when you have made it completely impossible to have another affair again, and you have succeeded in restoring the feeling of romantic love in her.

I believe you will see this expressed similarly in the Surviving an Affair book.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? #1

Marriage Builders Radio:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

Listen daily. This may be the best suggestion I make for you.

Also Oaklahoma,

Have you written out a time line for your BW?

Welcome, Okie. Sorry you've had cause to make your way here. Sorry for you & for your wife.

Do y'see any problem with what you said there?

I'll give you a hint: You make it sound like the affair was a one-off event. Maybe a bad decision or an instance of bad judgment on your part.

Dig deeper, Okie. I take it you didn't just happen to meet this other woman for the first time at the office xerox machine one day and say, "Hey, my name's Okie, say, you look nice, whaddya say we go back to your place after the 4:30pm staff meeting & have a screw?" Of course not. Fact is, you invested some time in getting to know this woman & in allowing her to get to know you, am I right? (If I'm not, say so. I don't always have to be right.) I'll bet you had conversations with her. I'll bet you made a whole series of decisions to let things go a little further, to keep your options open, to maybe leave the door ajar to end up exactly where you ended up. Not one bad decision, not a single instance of bad judgment, but a whole sequence of bad decisions & bad judgment over time.

Let that sink in.

There were a lot of "next days" while all of this was festering when you didn't tell your wife anything. You only fessed up on the last "next day."

When you realize that & start to take steps to keep it from happening again -- meaning, changes in your boundaries, in the ways in which you allow yourself to relate to women other than your wife -- then you may be getting somewhere positive vis-a-vis your wife, to where she can once again allow herself to start feeling emotionally-safe around you. But until you get to this realization, you'll be at risk for putting yourself into such a situation again, and ending up in the same pace. (And by then, your wife might be handier with a 12-gauge.)

P.S. -- I've been where you are. You got questions? Ask.

Gloveoil- do you have some radar on that tells you when someone needs you? Lol

Seriously, welcome Oaklahoma. Read, listen and learn. We are only here to help.

Agree...GO swoops in.

Hi Once again thanks for all the links, as well as your all's willingness to help. I read through the articles, and am going to do so again. As far as the precautions are concerned I think I put many in place but am going to do more. I know the question was asked if the OW (even though in a different department) can still run into me. I expressed that concern to my supervisor this morning (yeah we start work this early) and I am happy to say she hasn't and according to my supervisor she will not be at work for the next 2 weeks. We are government, and as everyone here might be aware our furloughs are starting (yes we are government), she has opted to take all 88 hours at once. I still am planning on transfering, and will not be here when she returns.

To GloveOil, yes you are exactly right, and I knew that. Probably should have went into alot more detals yesterday, but I didn't I know beyond the shadow of a doubt it was a bounderies issue with me. I am sure you all know this and have seen it before. I think the threashold for me was when we started taking about personal issues, like her kid (single mother) and my marital issues. Should have never went there, and will not ever again. I have told my wife from now on conversations with other women will only be with her present, unless necessary (like in a buisness manner or something) Even then I also expressed a desire to have her pay the bills, and run errands with me from now on. One of my complaints before was she was never interested in it before, she is now and wants to account for every penny I spend, I want her too. I think that also contributed.

Bingo! This is what Dr. Harley calls "intimate conversation." It's one of the most important emotional needs. Women typically rate it first or second in importance. Many men rate it highly as well ... and many who do not can still receive a lot of love bank deposits that way anyway.

Intimate conversation is crucial in marriage ... and its crucial that you reserve it for marriage, just as you would other important emotional needs (like sexual fulfillment).

More reading material for you from Dr. Harley:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33

Did you get a chance to check out the radio show?

There ya go. Mine was about music. Then exchanging thoughts on parenting issues. It was that anodyne, that innocent-seeming. I'm not some Rolex-wearing, moneyed-up, suave guy, and I'm not some fast-lane-runnin', hard-partying, tatooed badass, either. I was a regular, nice-guy, good-dad, never-cheated, devoted-husband, regular Joe. And she was married too. But all it takes is, someone slips a tiny compliment into the conversation, and it subtly alters the whole dynamic... you want to have the conversation again. Maybe it moves from parenting tactics to her obliquely commenting on how her husband struggles with some parenting stuff... subtle comparisons that puff up your ego -- even though you never saw it coming, even though you genuinely weren't looking for it at first. But then... you're suddenly getting those little affirmations, and it's kind of a thrill, and so you figure, why not keep the conversations going? After all, it's just an innocent office friendship, right? (Mine was a church music-team friendship. Whaddya think of that?)

Pretty f'n amazing, what can happen when you drop your guard & start sharing confidences with someone that way, ain't it? So you learned the hard way.

Coupla thoughts (which you should read about more on this site if you haven't already):

(1) Undivided Attention time with your spouse. Souds to me like you & your wife didn't have enough of it. I'll bet my house on that. So you didn't invest time to meet one another's top emotional needs. You got lazy, and it was easier to invest that time with the other woman, while at the office. There was your intimate conversation.

(2) Recreational companionship: Those errands aren't just chores for you; they're you gettin' stuff done! And gettin' stuff done is what guys do! It's a sense of accomplishment -- It's fun! I love it when my wife comes to Lowe's or Home Depot with me to pick up some PVC elbow-joints for the bathroom sink, or some replacement hinges, or running the car over to JiffyLube. Sounds mundane & probably boring as all hell to some women, right, but it's your recreational companionship (or part of it), and it's time spent together. The lazy way out is to not even bother telling her [your wife] that you like it when she comes with you. The MarriageBuilders way is to let her know. Rather than swallowing thereby give her the gift of letter her in on ways in which she can meet them. And she should be doing the same for you. Once you get that positive dynamic going in both directions, it's amazing how good things can get.

Fantastic.

Thanks everyone, and I apoligize for being gone for awhile. Left early from work on Friday as my wife wanted me home. To my suprise she had read that book, and I was eager to finish it. What happened instead was very intense anger, and yelling. All weekend was like this, so I barely was able to get through chapter 9. To be honest she doesn't like the book, or this website, and made that clear to me in very graphic language. I am trying t be calm, and answer all her questions, and not get angry, but it is really trying my patience. She also thinks things that are not true, for example she thinks I have had other affairs, and future potential affairs, like I keep women waiting for me. None of this is true. She has been insulting in every way imaginable too. I understand she is hurt and angry, but I just don't know how to handle all this. Should I just be consistant with the truth? I tried to break everything down in a very detailed manner, but it only seems like it makes tings worse. Is this normal?