Thanks so much! Last Thursday, the evening before I left for a flight across the country to go to my sister's wedding, my wife had "the talk" with me and said she wanted to separate. It was a very difficult talk and I didn't sleep at all that night. I am still not going to give up. Continued prayers would be most appreciated.

Pius,

I just wanted to get this in before the forums goes down for a couple of hours.

My recommendation if you're not willing to give up is to do this charge the right way. Get a hold of one of the counselors and have them steer you in the right direction.

Just a quick update. I just discovered my wife is having an affair. You guys in the forum who were suspicious were right; I was wrong. I have exposed it to several people now, and have confronted my wife and she has confessed. I've offered her an opportunity to save the marriage if she writes him that letter saying she will never see him again, and indeed never does, and will get counseling with me (from the Harley's perhaps). Otherwise we are headed to the courts I guess.

Pius,

You should click on the Notify button and request the Moderators to now move your thread into the, Surviving An Affair forum section. You will then get the appropriate advice for this newly discovered development.

Also, it would help your situation out if you provide the details of what and how you discovered the reality that the other posters had strongly suggested.

Don't waiver on the hard line advice. That will only hurt your cause.

LTL

I discovered it by corresponding with one of my wife's friends. I had just asked her if she had advice about ways to win my wife back and told her what I had tried so far. She volunteered that there was "someone else." She was very uncomfortable talking about it obviously. I pressed her for some details and she confirmed that it was the person I suspected it could be.

Pius,

I am very sorry to hear of your discovery. An affair is a terrible thing to have to deal with.

Give yourself some time to let this sink in as far as making an "end it or not" decision. No one will blame you if you choose to end it. But if you have any doubts I'd suggest you lean toward the side of trying to save the marriage.

You can make a valiant effort to recover the marriage and if it doesn't work for you then you'll have done what you could.

You've got to do a big blast exposure and you may have just done a trickle exposure. The time to act is now.

I just discovered my wife is having an affair...I have exposed it to several people now...

It is necessary that those "several people" include:
- her parents
- her siblings
- her friends
- your joint friends
- your children older than four y/o (age-appropriate)

...it was the person I suspected it could be.

Okay, is he married? You will have to expose on his side as well. And since any damage to his life cannot much pain you, make sure it is total, and as graphic as necessary to ruin his life.

As a fellow Catholic, let me pre-emptively caution you against taking the "turn-the-other-cheek" approach in this matter. At all times think of my icon, the Archangel Michael, sword and all, smiting the evil among mankind.

Pius, I am so sorry that your wife was having an affair. It sounds from this post like you have taken all the right steps, and you are in the best place possible to get the best chance possible to recover your marriage.

If nobody else has mentioned it, get Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair ASAP. You can get the ebook from Amazon onto your computer instantly for $10. There is a new revised version that just came out. Get it and read it fast - you can probably read the whole book in a day or two depending on time available.

I thank God that your wife's friend stepped past her comfort to be a hero and reveal the truth.

All of the following advice is still valid, and I reiterate it for you:

So far I have exposed it to my parents and her parents, my oldest daughter, and one of her friends.

The POSOM is some loser overweight 30 year old man living in his parents' basement, literally. However, he seems to have a way with women. He has had serial girlfriends in the past. What a catch he is for my wife.

I have also exposed it to one of her siblings.

Waywards "affair down."

You are doing great. Be prepared for her to be extremely angry.

Be sure and read that complete exposure guide.

He is not married - he's some bum 30 year old guy living in his parents' basement who apparently has a way with women.

Interesting what you say about turning the other cheek - I am struggling with how to handle this as a Catholic and a Christian.

Have you exposed to his parents?

Who on OM's side have you exposed to?

I am struggling with how to handle this as a Catholic and a Christian.

Not a surprise to hear, since I clearly anticipated your concerns.

Dude, think of your actions as:

- eliminating evil and sin from the world - current and future
- giving your WW an incentive, and assistance, to find the path to righteousness
- providing an example for your children of the importance and permanence of the vows of marriage

Here's your model:

Nothing we will advocate that you do is going to be incompatible with Christian theology. (NG can speak to the Catholic side of that.)

Affairs are usually short lived. The problem is that they do go on for some amount of time, and the longer that is, the harder it is for you to recover. So you want to disrupt the affair in the most effective ways possible. Stand up, confront the other man, tell him you want him away from your wife, let everybody he cares about know what he is doing (because even if they do not side with you, the fact that they know will have an effect on him and on your wife - it will take an enormous amount of luster off of the excrement of their affair). Disrupt.

You want to hasten the death of the affair in every way possible.

This weekend a lot has happened. I have learned the affair has gone on since March 2012, which sickens me. I wasn't even aware we were having problems then. On Saturday morning my wife had a complete breakdown and cried uncontrollable. She wanted to admit herself somewhere and asked that I not use that against her in court for custody purposes. I agreed. She ended up just talking to her therapist that day and seemed better afterwards.

I prepared two plans for her - a possible divorce plan in which I outlined my terms, and a reconciliation plan as well. The reconciliation plan basically involves complete transparency on her part and the willingness to attend counseling, as well as writing the letter to the OM telling him she wishes to never see him again. So far she has indicated she wants to pursue the divorce plan. However I am praying for her and encouraging her to consider reconciliation as well.

My two oldest children know and my wife has agreed to accept all responsibility for our divorce, should it come to that. She apologized to my son and asked his forgiveness.

I am continuing to pray for wisdom and discernment as to how to proceed. Perhaps there is just too much damage in the relationship for it to survive. I feel my wife would still prefer the company of the POSOM to me, which is of course heartbreaking to me. But we shall see what unfolds.