Hello All,

I have been reading MB and various threads for sometime without actually creating an account. I am the point that I am lost how to fix my marriage and need help:

H: 35
W: 37
SD: 16
DS: 9
DD: 5
DD:5

I met my now wife back in 1999. At the time she was a single mother of a 2 1/2 year old and I was starting my senior year of college. Shortly after dating my ex reappeared which caused me to never fully commit during our "dating" phase. Working through that we stayed together and I worked past my issues. We stayed very close however I could never return the words "I love you" which she had graced me with. I always felt guilty that I could never return her deep affection. It wasn't that I didn't feel the same way about her so much as I was more afraid of following my heart which was broken in my prior relationship.

At the time we lived in the same area but in 2001 I moved away for work. (2 1/2 hrs by car) We had a phenominal relationship even through long distance seeing each other multiple times a month. I truly began believing she was the one for my life then but was still hesitant with telling her how deeply I felt.

When she got pregnant with my sone in 2003 we began to live together and I notice a change in the way my emotional needs were being met. To save money we lived with my mother (who was excellent). She had left the life she knew to start over where I lived. I learned now that this was a major issue for her since she has always been a strong and independent woman. Adding to that the biological father played no role in their lives before so she felt she was in a similar position sacrificing herself and her needs for the kids and me. I was expecting that we would maintain our great relationship however she completely stopped meeting my emotional needs.

Instead of addressing them and getting to the problem at the time I allowed a friendship with my ex. Connecting with my ex more than my home life I neglected her completely. Essentially I abandoned her in a new city with no friends and no source of income with a child on the way even though under the same roof. It was till after the birth of my son that I started to look at my life and where it's headed and recommitted to her. We reconcilled and I stopped questioning the love that I shared for her and our growing family.

Throughout 2004 things improved to a point but I could feel that although she has accepted me she never truly forgave me. She began to distance herself seeking attention from her friends (male and female) over the phone and prioritizing them more than me. In respect I felt I deserved it but in another this would lead to arguements because I felt she would treat her friends better than me. Somehow we worked through that year slowly getting closer. In 2005 my mother passed away due to complications with breast cancer. We actually became amazing during this time and my hopes were as high as they could be. Two of my brothers (1 older and 1 younger) lived in the house so we were in a position that 3 adults lived under one roof. It was my mother that held everything together and with her passing went my brothers sense of responsibility and family.

In 2006 my younger brother got married and moved his wife into the home complicating things further. We made the decision that I'd work and my wife would stay home however this living situation was becoming unbearable for her. The times I'd be at work she would experience mistreatment from my brothers and the new sister-in-law. We were now in no position to move and change things so although I agreed with how she felt I would also try to convince her this was for a short time and we had to deal with this to get ahead. That continued response left her feeling unsupported and wanting out.

By the end of the year we would discover that my oldest brother had used household funds to try to save his struggling business and now the home was in foreclosure. This news came within days of finding out we were expecting twin girls. Knowing that she was the woman I want to be with I took the steps to takeover the home finances and also ask her parents for her hand in marriage. We'd get married in April of 2007, me to the woman I loved and for her as she describes now for the wrong reasons. I was able to pull the house out of foreclosure and took steps to sell so we could get a fresh start. The living situation (my extended family) continued to get worse to the point my wife felt trapped. With the economy I did my best to sell the home quickly but couldn't finalize until June of 2008. I also simultanouely purchased a new home in a new city. That period till the home was sold we would go through unbelieveable highs and lows. The highs traveling to visit new places and house hunting and the low of return to a draining multi-family living arrangement.

Issues with my older brother continued when he switched out items from our moving truck stealing things we needed and replacing them with things he didn't want and we were now forced to dispose of. I thought that finally escaping that toxic environment and buying the home she wanted would be a start of a major change for us. Now with 4 children my wife was still unable to work and being in a new area she felt cut off and isolated from everyone. Since we just moved I would talk about giving it a chance to see if we could establish a new life but she know view that as me being unsupportive as well.

My ex still tried to resume a friendship which I did entertain but had no emotional investment in. I know now that I carried a lot of guilt because of a miscarriage my ex had that she never recovered from when we were together. My wife viewed this as a major violation so I discontinued it for good. My wife now feels that I never put her first and that throughout our relationship there was always "another woman". In 2009 my stepdaughter's biological father wanted to be a part of her life. Although I supported him playing a role I had issues that my wife just reached out and decided without speaking to me. A choice for him to be involved in our lives should have been made together which lead to many fights by the end of this year but again I guess we limped along.

I received a position to work in Japan in May of 2010 which we mutually decided I should take even though I would now have to live away. I would make frequent visits back to the US but it didn't replace the fact that she now felt stuck and lonely with 4 kids and no job. During one of my trips in August 2010 she explains that me living away finally gave her a chance to think and that she didn't like where her life was and no longer was in love with me. This all blew me away and I could not understand at first her reasons. Living in Japan, which I still do by the way, there was very little that I could do to her growing sense of being alone. I realize that I've made a mess of things but being in love with her I didn't understand why she didn't love me. We are still married but my wife feels that it is only by paper. In my mind I took the steps to let her go and work on myself which helped me to address my issues and finally connect with the feelings and unaddressed needs that my wife had. By March 2011 Japan had that major earthquake that I was living close to and being so close to death was my wake up call. I immediately changed every aspect of my life to get back who I was because I was clearly lost and not the same man that my wife met so many years ago.

I realized that through our struggles I felt trapped by finances creating a life and a rapidly growing family. I see that UA went to zero with only isolated points that we could enjoy alone time. So we were going through years without LB deposits and constant withdrawls. The majority of our life together were were in a state of conflict but I could receive enough of my needs met that I am in a love. We have been continuing in this state of limbo since 2011. The problem now is that she can see the profound changes in me and the way I try to address her needs but is in a state of withrawl. The changes actually piss her off now because she feels angry that I made all these changes now but not when she needed them. It isn't that I didn't give her my love more than I didn't address here needs in the right priority or order.

I will now return to living to the US in September but need to know if there is anything that I can do to avoid what looks to be an inevitable divorce. She says she's invested 14 years of her life to be here and doesn't trust me. Any conversation we have if it relates to a relationship talk or if I simply ask how she is feeling (non relationship related) sets her off. I am doing no justification, completely hearing her out, no OA what so ever and always remain calm these 2 years since I had my revelation. The fact is anything I do angers her. (She has talked about returning to school in January 2014 so to support her I got her transcript request forms to help and she's pissed off with that too. She sees the thoughtfulness but anger it never came before)

The fact is I can never change who I was but I am a completely different person now which she admits she sees and knows it genuine. I asked her today if she would consider counceling when I return which upset her because she suggested it years ago at I time I didn't see a problem. I apologize for the extremely long post but I wanted to try to give enough context to really get everyones help the way I've seen others receive the support.

Thanks in advance...

Welcome to MB.

Why doesn't your wife trust you?

First and foremost... obviously, your wife is not in love with you. And you have lived in a separate country across the globe... FOR YEARS. That alone is enough to demolish a marriage.

I sincerily hope that is all... you should begin snooping for evidence of an affair, because she could be having multiple affairs with the entire crew of a US Navy Aircraft carrier... all at the same time... and it would be hard for you to notice immediately... since you LIVE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.


1) Get your butt to mars... er, get your butt home. With or near your wife and children. Not much you can do from Japan.

2) Snoop, see if there is evidence of an affair (e-mails, texts, phonecalls are your best bets now).

3) Look up Plan A.

Step 3 is piss-piddle useless without 1 and 2.

At BrainHurts she saws she doesn't trust me with her heart. Doesn't trust that I won't dissapoint or hurt her like I've done in the past. She says that she trusts I am not cheating on her or anything like that and can sees that I put her first now. It's just that too much damage has been done. She had to learn to be her own support and is not looking for that from me anymore...

At HoldHerHand I know. I'm trying to get released from my contract sooner but 9/20 is the earliest right now. I have done snooping during my return trips and there is no one else. I'll check Plan A now but as you mentioned without being back it would be worthless...

When I return I will be returning to live with my wife and kids. She is now trying to get her life together and not trying to put any energy or effort into us. She feels she's given this enough right now.

HoldHerHand I just went through Plan A you recommended but without an affair unfortunately it wouldn't work in my case. Thanks for the recommendation though because I did find it informative...

Plan A is indeed applicable in the absence of infidelity, at it's most basic it means;

Learning to follow the PoUA, PoJA, and PoRH.

Meeting your wife's most important emotional needs.

Eliminating your Love Busters.

What investigating have you done to rule out an affair?

Thanks for the feedback HoldHerHand. I have already checked all email, phone records, and texts several times at various points and there is no evidence of an affair. We live in a new area and have no attachments or associations to the community. She is a stay at home mother with the kids and minimal chance for any night encounters. I truly feel that there is no affair present but I still continually check so I'm not blindsided.

I understand what you mean about Plan A for the POJA, POUA, & PORH however I am not sure how to implement them since hasn't displayed any desire to save our marriage. All she essentially emotionally divorced yet if I ask if she wants us to get a divorce or what she wants to do she doesn't know. She is extremely hurt and angry and now angry with everyone. She hates that she has become this person and blames me for it. She says that she should have left me years ago and also holds a lot of anger at herself. I feel because she thinks she should have left before but had no way out she is having a difficult time trying to work on our relationship even if I am better.

This is where we are. I was thinking to invite her to read the basic concepts and get her thoughts on it. I feel that right now there is no plan and we need one but she says she's tired of working, tired of trying, and love should not be this hard. How can I get her to entertain the principles when she's so consumed with anger. With her in withdrawl I am not having any success making deposits in the love bank. The only positive is that I am not commiting love busters anymore. We are great at coming together for the kids but relationship wise she acts like my roommate instead of the warm compassionate and loving person she once was.

There is one Emotional Need that you can meet at this time, and you should learn to meet it expertly; Conversation.

I would suggest increasing your calls home, from whatever interval it is at now, up to 2-3 times daily.

Ask her about your day. Tell her about yours. Keep the conversations light and pleasant, and if they take and unpleasant turn, either change the subject or end the call. For instance, if she becomes upset;

"I'm sorry my call has upset you. I will call again later and we can talk."


Really, really focus on becoming a pleasant conversationalist with your wife. Many relationships (and sadly, affairs) begin simply as conversation over the phone, text, email, or social networks because Love Units are deposited. Use the opportunity.

A little brush up;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

Thanks HoldHerHand, I fully agree that the conversation is essential at this point. I've begun increasing my phone calls home but this is actually having a negative effect. Most of my wife's life she feels that although she chose the course of events that they were automatic. She views having the kids when we did she didn't have a choice. This is the same view with moving to live with me up to eventually marrying me. So in many respects she is struggling with her independence and the right to choose. Since I'm out the country when I call she feels she has no choice but to answer or to talk when she doesn't want to. I don't any pressure on her and always ask if it's a good time but regardless this is how she feels. To be this far away and only speak through text when there's the phone and video options readily available makes me feel disconnected from her and the kids but if I do contact her that way she feels I'm pushing my agenda. Nothing is further from the truth. Lately I've had to text her first and ask if I could call or for her to call me. When I'm home I see that her girlfriends have the ability to call anytime they want to talk and are met with warmth even if the timing isn't best for her. This is the type of consideration that I hoped would be shown my way.

I've incorporated all of the friends of conversation and none of the enemies but that isn't the problem I seem to be running into. I feel like it's "A Christmas Story" where my W is haunted by the ghosts of my past. If I attempt to have deeper conversations to see how she is feeling on any of the topics now she goes to a very dark place. As pleasant as our talks start she gets angry that I wasn't this way before. She puts it that I am a great guy now and the fact that I changed means I could have changed at any of the times before for whatever my reasons and didn't want to. I feel that to enact changes and especially the changes she was looking for I needed to have understanding which I didn't. In retrospect she didn't understand where she was emotionally either and it wasn't until after I was living away that she analyzed her life but she is not holding me to the same standard.

She sees me in a very negative light for who I was and not who I am and I feel this is my current hurdle. I am associated with all my past mistakes and not sure how we can work past her resentment and anger. If anyone could send me more information on this it would really help.

This mornings conversation did have a little breakthrough though. Shortly after starting to talk she immediately went OA and I continued to use my UA by listening and interacting and staying calm. She now feels that I am making a plan for us to be together in the future when she thinks that my returning will make things worse. I explained that if it appeared I was making plans and not discussing or including her in that that I was sorry that she felt that way. I expressed that I did not intend for it to come across that I was in any way trying to control, dictate, or dominate your life. I was offering my ideas so we could discuss them and it was an invitation to ways things could be better which for the first time she is now receptive to. (POJA) I think she could now realize what I was saying and meaning only because she moved past the anger. For the first time she's asked for us to have a long and indepth conversation to come up with a plan. Now she's asked us to actually come up with two plans, one if work out and one if we don't. Should I be worried coming up with both a bliss and exit plan?

Some of her reactions are good things - being in either conflict or withdrawal, she may push back against LB$ deposits.

Don't engage her in divorce talk, or "relationship" talk. If she talks about ending things, or rubs the past in your face, just state that you made a vow for life, and while you may have failed to love, honor, and cherish her... you won't make those mistakes again. Then ask how the kids/inlaws are doing, or ask a question about one of her favorite subjects.

Keep feeding the LB$.

HoldHerHand I can't thank you enough for all your advice and wisdom. I also believe that she be somewhere in the conflict or withdrawl stage and has been pushing back against LB deposits. She's mentioned that she appreciates the things that I'm doing but they don't effect her the way they should. That won't stop me from continually making them since it comes effortless now for me to be considerate of her.

The ironic thing is that I haven't been engaging in divorce or relationship talks. We can be talking about anything and there will be a point that my compassion and consideration now triggers that I wasn't that way before. My meeting her emotional needs now seems to bring up how things could have been better. I have to continue doing them in my opinion since this will be the only way that she can see and eventually feel things can be better going forward. I realize what I haven't been doing is redirecting her away from negative turns in the conversation. It's almost like the train derails and starts heading my way and I freeze instead of getting out of the way. I see that know and will definitely incorporate your advice to avoid a great conversation becoming a love buster.

Does anyone know when the resentment will fade? Will it fade and I can begin making large LB deposits as we go or is it only after we've reached the point of mutual love that the resentment will start to go. I am trying to educate and prepare myself for everything. I'm fighting for my marriage and curious what I'm up against...

Have you seen this and listen to th clips?

Resentment Type A and Type B

When you are in the home, and you can implement PoUA, PoJA, PoRH - and you build an LB$ balance big enough to trigger romantic love... and you maintain that balance - resentment will fade.

You have to put your marriage first. And that means that you should never again spend a night apart.

Thanks Brain Hurts, I hadn't seen or listened to those clips but immediately clicked with the concepts. (Actually listened to the links a bunch of times now...) I can definitely see how I've created Type A resentment in the past. During our disagreements before things would eventually go my way as my wife would conform to my opinion or moreso abandon hers. I clearly see that had to create deep rooted resentment in her.

HoldHerHand, thanks for your explanation because that is exactly what I will do. I've also gone back over the love buster material since avoiding those, mastering conversation, and supporting the emotional needs that I can from a distance is the best that I can do for now. Love busters being my top priority!!!

I found this quote from the material that also gave me direction right in line with all the advice from the forum:

"...when your spouse has withdrawn emotionally
from you, he/she won�t let you meet his/her emotional needs. It�s only when
you overcome Love Busters that the emotional barrier is removed and you�re
in a position to meet your spouse�s emotional needs. That�s why your Love
Busters should be eliminated before you learn to meet each other�s needs.
That�s the goal of the third step to romantic love."

DarkMoses,

Welcome.

I wanted to point something out that will give you hope. Dr Harley often talks about how a lovebank must reach a positive state before you'll see any results.

The analogy has always been that it is like putting stones in a river. A river you can't cross to get to your wife because there is no bridge. Your wife's balance is low ... in the red. You continue to make deposits ... dropping stones in the river that is her bank. You can't always see the stones filling the river and the bridge between you is still disconnected.

But with continued effort on meeting her needs while eliminating all LoveBusters eventually the stones will fill the gap and a bridge will be formed. It is then that you will see a difference.

So my advice is for you to be persistent, to keep trying to fill her needs.

Also don�t get caught up in talks with your wife trying to explain to her where her perspective seems wrong to you. She�s certainly made some victim like comments, acting as if she didn�t have a choice. She�s trying to push you away to avoid being hurt. You just keep doing what you can to be the husband she�s always wanted you to be. Feel free to apologize at every turn for any events that had hurt her in the past and let her know with her help you will do whatever it takes to avoid hurting her again.

My last point and probably most important. September is a long ways away and the distance between the two of you is probably going to squash any chance you have in recovering this. You must know that. So long as you are overseas from her you�ll most likely have little to no success of fixing this.

You have to ask yourself what is more important �. Her or the job? It is highly recommended here that people give up jobs that get in the way of being able to give the marriage what it needs. People are asked to give up goals of their career for the sake of their marriage. People have taken large pay cuts to resurrect their marriage. I�d say it is worth it.

This contract of yours? You�re held financially to it? You can�t get out of it � or won�t?

MrAlias,

Thanks for the welcome. It has been amazing finding this site even under the circumstances that I came across it. The help, information, and knowledge have really been helping me. Thanks for the analogy because I can really connect with how on point it is in my situation. Sorry that I�ve been out of touch for so long. Over the past 9 days I've just been continuing to build on the positive steps so far and can see that persistence is the key. That and eliminating all lovebusters; I couldn�t agree more that September is a long ways away. I am not trying to fix things being so far away since that is not realistic. I have been trying to address our communication since I am unable to get out of my contract. There would be employment and financial ramifications with possible litigation issues as well and I only have 10 weeks remaining. Part of me does agree with you and thinks it�d be worth it if it salvages my marriage. I think I�d have an easier time with it if I wasn�t the only income so I am on the fence.

[Here�s the latest update since I last wrote�]

I mentioned on the 6th that we were supposed to have a talk; one that she appeared to be receptive to having. That didn't take place. Actually there was no response from her side at all. Of course my brain started racing but I kept myself in check and just occupied myself with different activities to let the day go by. On the 7th I wished her good morning and still waited for her to reach out to me. When she did call she still had the undertones of anger but I remained calm to just have a normal conversation. I said to myself that I would not press the issue of the no call from the day before. She mentioned her plan to go out with one of her close girlfriends to a boat ride which I was very excited for. I asked when it was and then the conversation turned.

Apparently she had mentioned the boat ride to me some weeks before, which I didn't hear, but since she didn't get any response from me she internalized it that I had a problem with it. As she got angry and began yelling she starts to explain that in the past this is how I was. (Big love buster for her) I explained that so much about the man I was has changed and that I'm truly excited for her and pushing her to go. I mention other recent examples of how much I'm trying to help her get a break and being supportive of her needs. I also mention that I apologize that there are situations that can occur that are reminders of resentful feelings and that this one of the things I would like us to talk about at another time. She then does a complete 180 and with no anger sincerely says let�s talk. I told her that I understood how those situations were created in the past by poor communication on my part. It was not that I didn�t support her rather I didn�t express that I felt we needed to spend more time together doing things. This is one of the things that I addressed by controlling my emotions and being open and honest. (Identify and eliminate love buster) I said that successful people make plans for what they do and how they want to live. We have been reacting instead of coming up with a plan for each other and she agrees we need a plan. She feels angry all the time because she is in limbo and doesn't want to be this way. I explained that I was just starting to educate myself about what we were feeling and the anger and resentment she felt.

This is where all of the learning that I've been doing on this site helped tremendously. Having listened to my wife describe our life and marriage to this point she is tired, had to work too hard, and feels being with me has taken more than it's given to name a few. (There was a little rewriting history on her part but learning from everyone�s advice I expected it.) Knowing this me approaching her with the love buster questionnaire now wasn't an option. (It would also appear that I had an agenda so it was out) Essentially through conversation I was able to have my wife give me the answers I needed which is part of the survey's objective. With the recent audio files sent to me of Dr. Harley on resentment fresh on my mind I expressed it as reminders of times she was uncared for. I added that regardless of my intension it was more important what she felt so I need her help to know the patterns of behavior. I mentioned lovebusters which I identified and how I addressed them so they wouldn�t occur. I also spoke on a few of my quirks and asked for a better way. After that the information began to flow and we both felt better than we have in some time. [Now if someone is going through a similar situation with emotional separation or possible emotional divorce and reads this please understand that I did not just read out the questionnaire or am I advocating that you don�t follow Dr. Harley�s plan. He�s the expert and the more I educate myself and read he knows his stuff�]

First I completed my questionnaire then studied the one for �her�. I have been using some of my free time to think of the friction or specific arguments in the past that would fit under any of the categories I remember. I also thought of the most recent AO displayed by my wife. Although that exercise didn�t help me to rank them in the order she needs I could clearly identify my guilt in DJ, AO, dishonesty, and AH in the past. The ways I addressed them to be the different person she sees now is what I spoke about. I�d ask her if I had done enough in different areas so she would not feel defensive and I would protect her feelings. Dr. Harley mentions several times that you can�t just say I�m sorry to address an issue and safeguards should be put in place.
(
I think that this will have to be my approach for now even if it�s unorthodox. If she is feeling overwhelmed I can�t just give her something else to do. Also the results thus far have been dramatic.) We ended up talking for hours and I can�t remember the last time that happened. We'd resume the conversation later on and she wanted us to develop 2 plans, one if we stay together and the other if we don't. Now she felt strongly about discussing if we broke up first however I didn't dismiss it against everything my gut was telling me. I�m glad that I didn�t. I�d come to find out that she holds a lot of insecurity that I would be bitter or hurtful if things didn�t work out. She didn�t know where she would go or how it would affect the kids. She also feels guilty that emotionally we are not in the same place and that for how I am now that I deserve better. I told her that the plan I�d like to discuss addresses all of that. Since we both created the relationship that we have now we both need to redefine it. I also clarified what I mean by �relationship� as simply how we interact. If our interactions were to end now she would carry that resentment for life. (from Dr. H) I said that we need to engage more and spend more time together, now by phone and definitely when I get back. We need to have positive associations and experiences with one another since this is the best path to work past the resentment. I would hate to be adversaries when we have to come together for the kids. If our communication remained the same (with AO, OA, and DJ from her at times) I couldn�t see it going well. She agreed. So the steps we need to take do not necessarily need 2 plans to address her needs for security and direction.

So I laid out the grounds of the POJA to help conflicts from popping up. In the worst case I�d want us to live near enough so I could be active or involved with all the kids and we could agree. She then wanted to know what I meant that the 2 plans are actually the same. I outlined my return home request, as well as modified hours for when I return. (I am now scheduled for a 2 week visit in August just for my family so we�ll do a lot of activities together and with the kids�) I brought up her transcripts that I attempted to get to try to get her back into school. I know this was the topic of a recent AO of hers and said that I�m not working with an agenda but if it were it would be to meet her emotional needs since I truly want her to be happy. I am not just putting a plan into place. These are my ideas that I am inviting your thoughts and opinions too; this is something we need to do. It would also allow us to have the time together to reconnect. (I remember Dr. H principle that it takes 20-25 hours per week to build love and only after that point resentment will start to fade) I just said that we can�t move past the resentment without it and we�d do activities and spend more time together. My W suggested that she wants to also consider talking to a therapist to help move beyond any resentment and was happy I was encouraging her as well. I told her that I want her to be a part of the life that we create and our relationship needs to be better to do that. Addressing our needs and working a plan would give her more than she�d lost in stability and also emotionally with us. We�d agree to make how we are now better and god-forbid it didn�t work out this path would give us direction. These are some of the things I am starting to understand can bring us an enjoyable and fulfilling marriage cause that�s the point. I don�t want a mediocre marriage and she enthusiastically agreed neither does she.

From that point her attitude and approach to our conversation has been lighter and refreshing. This week that past we hit 20+ hours of enjoyable and fulfilling conversation. She�s begun calling me much more than before and reaching out overall. I haven�t written sooner because this is all so new I did not want to look into it too much but I will say I have a lot more optimism each day and can feel the same from her. Eliminating the lovebusters has been crucial and I have been avoiding those like the plague. I think she is somewhere in that gray area of withdrawal and conflict now just through conversation. I realize that I wasn�t creating a loving atmosphere on my end that could contribute to us remaining here. It�s funny because I�ve gone back to talking to her like we are dating and that has really helped. (Sad to say I thought about our entire time together and realized I stopped dating my W a long time ago�) Now I go into our time with multiple topics of conversation, interesting ideas, being fully invested when she speaks, addressing any of her concerns for her day immediately, sharing my day, and sending little random surprise gifts she finds thoughtful. (Who knew sending her a DVD of �Hot Tub Time Machine� could have such an impact; she�s been looking for it and couldn�t find it in stores so I just picked it up online�) This is part of my adapted take on �friends and enemies of conversation�.

So now that I�ve got things started in a positive direction those who�ve been here before I would like your additional advice: How do I keep from screwing things up?
Since she is likely in and out of withdrawal do I keep doing what I�m doing? Should I step it up in any area knowing I have 10 weeks before I am permanently back? How long should I wait before trying to offer any MB material or the love busters questionnaire? Anything else I should consider, read, or do during this time? I know this is more thin-ice than an iceberg with a solid foundation so I have to be careful. I was reading another post (Withdrawal) and believe �markos� described it saying �don�t poke the snail�.

Sorry for the extremely long post but there was so much to catch everyone up on and I see that the more information I provide the better advice and information I receive�

DM,

That is an impressive update. It seems you've made some progress despite the distance between you two. You are definitely on the right path to recovery. Keep it up!!!

Where you go from here?

You know the drill. 20-25 hours of meeting each other's needs. Right now you're in Plan A and trying to woo her back so hopefully IC is one of her most important ENs. Regardless it is one that is always recommended by Dr H that a H try to fill.

Getting her on board. This is a tough one. I spent years on this site learning the materials, talking with hundreds of posters and getting advice. My W and I did the EN questionnaire early on and that was all she was interested in doing. So, as you can see, it isn�t always easy to get an MB partnership going.

I would offer this to myself, if I could go back and do it again. I would spend more time explaining how MB helps me. How it helps me understand what I can do better to be a better H. I would spend zero time trying to educate her and simply inform her of the ways I was going to make her love me like crazy. I think me educating her pushed her away from this place. Instead I wish I would have brought it out in our conversations and had an energy about it that would have been intriguing to her. I would have been more selfless, more positive and more constructive by providing helpful complaints.

In conversation I would simply drop little golden nuggets on how this site is helping you see the error of your ways. How it has created a plan for you to help you eliminate old poor behaviors and establish new behaviors. The hope is that she�d develop an interest in what it is you�ve found and she�d take a personal interest in doing exactly what you�ve done. Learn how Dr Harley saves marriages and builds them to last a lifetime.

Have you read any of Dr Harley�s books? I would get HNHN, LoveBusters and Fall In Love Stay In Love. Great books that, hopefully one day, you can share with her.

The radio program is another way to learn. And it�s free!! You could clue her in that you listen to that if, in fact, you do start to listen.

Other things to do.

Boundaries. You can establish boundaries that protect her from further hurts. For example: Do you still speak with your Ex? You should cut off direct contact with her unless your W is present. Get an intermediary if you have to so you can avoid her being a distraction/hindrance to your M.

Implement POJA. This is one of the great pieces/foundation of Dr Harley�s program. This is where your W may see the benefit in this program for her. If you and her were to agree that you would never make another decision again unless you were both enthusiastic about it �it may just be the ticket that reels her in.

Things to keep doing.

UA time. Keep it up. That IC is going to open other doors to your recovery if you keep getting those 20+ hours. That is incredible that you were able to do that from afar.

Affection. Anything you can do to show her your love and admiration. Small gifts, words of kindness, admiration.

AVOID COMMITTING ANY LOVEBUSTER!

Good Morning MrAlias,

I was surprised myself that I received the response that I did. To be honest it's probably been such a long time that she's seen a consistent and constant effort which is likely the reason. I will work on maintaining and persistence...

I'll continue to try to continue the 20+ hours minimum if allowed and not press if it doesn't happen. I think this may also have been a contributing factor to make sure our talks aren't tense.

Thank you for your words in reflection. I don't want to come across as preaching or overbearing to her. She has been receptive when I mentioned what I have been learning and how I'm applying it but I never thought to credit the MB site as a way to entice her. I will try this approach and mention it lightly to see if there is any traction. I might also have to change my user name since I use it for everything and if she discovered I've been snooping that would be a huge lovebuster for her.

I am going to order HNHN on the Kindle as my first book. I have gone through all of the free material and a good portion of the video links. I listen to the daily radioshow but only a few of the archived shows. There's actually a lot to go through so I've been listening and reading what I have come across so far multiple times trying to avoid absorbing too much too fast. She is more likely to check out he website before the audio program.

Regarding boundaries I've had no communication with my ex for years till a few months ago. At that time I received an email with no text, just a picture. Following the openness and honesty principle I told my wife and immediately gave full access to all email accounts so we can figure mutually how to address it and she could be assured that I did not initiate or entertain this in any way. This actually upset my W because she viewed this as me not going off on the OW and fighting for her. In the past when situations like this happened I told her that I would handle it which I did. This time I wanted it to be a POJA how it would be done. Both me and my wife ended up sending emails shutting things down for good. At the time my W shared that I had created this situation from the past that this OW felt she could do this whenever she wanted. We went through weeks where she would barely talk to me because this was her biggest lovebuster of all. (Always feeling she had competition for me...)

For the POJA I see that I may have approached her with it the wrong way. I asked if we could enthusiatically agree on decisions but I didn't phase it as I'd never make another decision again unless we were both enthusiastic about it. I will try to correct that as soon as I can...

UA, IC, and affection I'll make sure to keep it up... Thanks for additional directions and pep talk...