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Gamma,
You've been here a long time. Have you ever thought about emailing Dr. Harley and asking him?
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Road,
Does your WW know that you went to talk to OM2?
Nope hope going to see OM now with W we'll see how it goes
God Bless
Gamma I am sorry to hear this. WW has had NC all this time and you want to have her meet OM2. This breaking of NC is not a sound decision. I makes me worry that there is a down side worse then can be anticipated.
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NeverGuessed,
Puh-leeeeze, Gamma, tell us you're not trying to slide past us that you don't have your own little box buried with all your ex-crushes, -girlfriends, -lovers?
Right and its true that I remember every girls scent the first time I kissed them, but I never took anyone from anyone else married or unmarried, with the exception of my SIL who had an EA one sided for me for 30 years.
We ALL have them. They are a museum of the life-development that got us where we are as adults. I can recall my first kiss (Kathy, 4th Grade), first make-out session, first..... blush...well, you get the point!
This was not a 4th grade crush, this was falling out of love with me and complete surrender to OM, now W then GF was in her 20's.
My W took 20 years to tell me that a brief encounter, a few years before me, involved not just kissing but light fondling. Not that I held that against W in any way, but it does illustrate the embarrassment and reluctance my W has about coming clean.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 07/22/13 12:37 PM.
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Gamma, what do you want to say to him? In broad terms, what do you want to know?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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SC,
I want to ask him for his version of the events from before I was married.
The meeting didn't go as I thought, but did not disappoint. OM stopped dead in his tracks, "wifes name!!" big hug. He looked very old according to my W.
God Bless
Gamma
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SC,
I want to ask him for his version of the events from before I was married.
The meeting didn't go as I thought, but did not disappoint. OM stopped dead in his tracks, "wifes name!!" big hug. He looked very old according to my W.
God Bless
Gamma You HUGGED him?? Is that what you planned to accomplish? And you met him with your wife there? 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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MB,
No he hugged my W.
God Bless
Gamma
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Okay, then!
Exactly what pat of "No Contact for Life" did you confuse with "Arrange a grope session between the APs"?
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NG,
Had to get my W into some form of conflict, she had been too happy with our recovered sexless marriage and saw no reason to ever tell me the truth.
God Bless
Gamma
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MB,
No he hugged my W.
God Bless
Gamma NG,
Had to get my W into some form of conflict, she had been too happy with our recovered sexless marriage and saw no reason to ever tell me the truth.
God Bless
Gamma So your WW got a hug. Post hug on the car ride home what did WW have to say? How did you get your WW agree to see OM with you? What did you learn and or get from this meeting with the OM? Did WW know about this meeting before it happened? Did WW help you find the OM? These questions are leading to the reliability of what the OM told you. For how do you know if WW pre warned the OM about this meeting to get WW and OM stories to match up?
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TR,
Post hug on the car ride home what did WW have to say?
She sensed I was upset, asked me if her hugging OM was what was bothering me. Has been rather friendly since, even giving kisses without being prompted, WHY???!!!
How did you get your WW agree to see OM with you?
Didn't ask her or tell her, I knew OM had been to the same show last year and took my chances that he was going to be there at this exact time.
Did WW help you find the OM?
Not to my knowledge I don't believe she is clever enough on the computer to have outflaked me in cooperation with OM, the surprise was genuine.
These questions are leading to the reliability of what the OM told you. For how do you know if WW pre warned the OM about this meeting to get WW and OM stories to match up?
The OM told me very little it was over quickly the OM took off, and my W wanted to leave.
She denied even more than before, now claiming complete amnesia, although this morning she admitted to 20% or so of what she admitted to previously. Thats ok OM is more in the cross hairs now.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 07/23/13 06:37 PM.
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Did you ever poly your WW?
What was that 20% of new info worth it?
What did the OM own up to doing?
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Is this the OM from before you were married?
And this meeting was a manipulation to try to get her into conflict so you could address the problem of SF? I don't think that follows MB principles. If she is okay with a sexless marriage while you are not and respectful requests and meeting her needs (make sure you are) don't get you what you need, then you may need to call it quits. Not play with fire.
Have you ever talked with Dr. Harley? I think a radio session with him may be quite good for you. There's something not right here, and maybe you assume and judge how your wife thinks and feels more than you realize, which will block you from having a passionate marriage.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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TR,
Did you ever poly your WW?
Would love to don't think she could overcome the shame and embarrassment, even if she agreed.
What was that 20% of new info worth it?
It was 20% of the 100% I got before, not only was it nothing new, but she only revealed the 20% Monday morning, on Sunday she claimed to remember 0% ZERO!
But yes finding out that W has become even more closed off/ in denial was very much worth finding out.
What did the OM own up to doing?
Nothing, barely got to speak with OM before he split, but I know now exactly what he looks like.
God Bless
Gamma
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LL,
Is this the OM from before you were married?
Yes, this is OM2 from before my wedding.
And this meeting was a manipulation to try to get her into conflict so you could address the problem of SF?
Basically just to get some honesty from W about what happened, a side effect of that might be more or sincere SF.
Have you ever talked with Dr. Harley? I think a radio session with him may be quite good for you. There's something not right here, and maybe you assume and judge how your wife thinks and feels more than you realize, which will block you from having a passionate marriage.
Yes I've been considering emailing the Harleys.
God Bless
Gamma
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Gamma,
Have you emailed Dr. Harley?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Wanting to know the truth has haunted me for over 30 years. So I understand your need to know your truth.
Though getting the truth does not seem connected to getting your WW to give you SF.
What your doing does not seem to have any value to getting SF.
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Oh my goodness... this OM is from 1988/89 and FROM BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED?????
I can only say how sick this seems to have him drive his wife to INTENTIONALLY meet this person and then get cross examined for what she remembers... My husband and I got married in 1990 and I can't even tell you all the details from our honeymoon..... I love him desperately, but my middle age mind is starting to play tricks on me... And then to be questioned about this OM... talk about massive, massive love bank withdrawals.. To be honest, if you pulled this stunt on me, I would be gone in a heart beat... What in the world was the point??? Other than to make her feel worthless and guilty.... I just don't get this. Dr. Harley wouldn't recommend this at all. For one thing, I'm not sure he would even count this OM since it happened before you were married..
You ought to be making massive love bank deposits... this stunt was a HUGE withdrawal.
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TR,
Wanting to know the truth has haunted me for over 30 years. So I understand your need to know your truth.
Though getting the truth does not seem connected to getting your WW to give you SF.
What your doing does not seem to have any value to getting SF.
Some posters did say they got more or better SF after their WWs confessed. Mostly it seemed those with WWs that felt guilty about their past affairs and lived in fears of revelation, or had told a pile of lies through the years, Lightsout for example. But yes it should not be the primary goal.
Have you ever gotten to speak with OM in your case, I think previously you said your WW forgot his name, and that you don't even know who he is?
God Bless
Gamma
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Tiredwife,
My husband and I got married in 1990 and I can't even tell you all the details from our honeymoon.....
Do you really think a WW can forget ALL THE DETAILS of falling in love with someone? I mean WW had the enjoyment and intensity of new love with OM2.
Are you saying you would not remember an affair if you had had one?
God Bless
Gamma
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