My husband and I have been married for 19 years as of two weeks ago...we dated four and a half years. Six years into our marriage after our second child my husband had a physical encounter with a woman that almost led to sex..at the time I discovered the affair. was told that it was not more than kissing..and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time kind of thing.. the ow moved away the following day..I bought the story but in my heart I felt like it was more..years later it came to light that there was a 6 month history of sexual talk that came into play as well prior to the encounter..she was a coworker and evidently was very provocative at work.. fast forward five years...I discovered that he was having an emotional affair with an employee of his...they spent a lot of alone time together..there was physical contact..holding hands..business trips alone....he swears nothing happened with her but there was an obvious emotional connection between the two of them..at this point he was not willing to do anything to change the situation and I felt like he was choosing her friendship over our marriage. I threatened him with it's me or her and he took me seriously. We tried marriage counseling after this and he was not happy about being told that he needed to change his way of managing his employees. I let him keep us from continuing the sessions. I also suffered quite and enormous amount of stress. I kept my feelings suppressed and moved on. Fastforward 8 1/2 years..and this is my present situation..The first weekend in March I went out of town for a youth retreat as a chaperone. I was gone two of those nights. I came home and greeted my family but I noticed that my husband who normally runs out to greet me and helps me unload sat on bed..(red flag #1) He then tells me to take kids out for dinner and he will stay home and work. I was sitting at the table eating dinner and my son(16) asks me why my husband is texting and facebooking this woman(he knew her name). I questioned him and he led me to believe it was a friendship that was becoming a red flag. I became more and more suspicious and after being led by the Holy Spirit found out that her phone number had been on my phone bill since last Feb.(he could never really answer how long she had been working for him) ....from January until middle march when he got busted there was text after text from this woman. The weekend I was gone they were texting almost nonstop from 11:00am Sat til 3 or 4 the next morning with one phone call in between(15 min)...I busted him two weekends later and this was his story..
This young woman started working for him back in the spring of last year..(she is 27 and he is 41)...they became friends in September and it progressed from there..January, Feb and March it got pretty heated electronically..light flirting, heavy flirting and innuendo via emoticons(smileys and different other ones that you can use in sexual connotations)...he admitted to the physical and emotional attraction to her and that they had shared their feeling of sexual attraction to each other....he swears he never touched her and I have continued to ask because he has a history of not telling the whole truth..during the last few months I found out that affair number one was closer to sex than what he said...I had asked him repeatedly about his conversations with her in which he played them off as he could not remember them ....more flirty type with the emoticons..however I was able to get a glimpse into the converstations by text and found that it was way more sexually explicit in nature, there were invitations and some serious emotional connection that he led me to believe and still is in denial as to what this really was...when I called him on it...he supposedly told her that his family was important to him and that there could be no more of what they had...it would be back to business as usual..she left the company two weeks ago..we are trying to rebuild...I am doubting the emotional nature and wondering if this was more of a physical involvement...there was plenty of time and opportunity. She lives about 5 minutes from their workplace..How do I trust what he says...he has been in more remorse and transformation spiritually this time than he ever has..we are both in counseling together. He is doing everything right..there has been no contact that I know of between them..the card she left him said how she appreciated him as her boss and friend...but at the end she said stay in touch...I love my husband so much but he has put me through the ringer and I told him had there not been proof of transformation ( a true relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ) I would not be here...a little bit about him..my husband did not have good relationship with his dad...taught to suppress his feelings...no affection and always criticized..no affirmation from his father...he needs lots of affirmation...also history of porn(not addiction just occasional), but fantasizing of other woman all the time..so here I am trying to understand everything and pick up pieces of my broken self and trying to keep my marriage and family together...he also confessed his transgressions to our small group and many of our family members including our two teenage children...can anybody out there relate?? side note: during the time this was going on his anger became two fold..we were not getting along but our sex life became alive again after experiencing libido issues months prior ( I have never been one to not want sex but was cut back to once a week or so)..he swears that this had nothing to do with it...it was not me...it was a game to him that became addictive..she was stroking his ego and into him...he says he had his life with his family and the life with her at work..he compartmentalized it..HELP PLEASE!!!

I understand you are confused and worried.

Can you break this up into bite sized paragraphs?

I cannot put thoughts together and not sure how to edit post!lol

I broke it up somewhat.

The Readers Digest version, multiple affairs, can I trust him now.

The short answer is no. It's going to take a long pattern of consistent, trustworthy behavior in order for it to be safe to be with him.

You can NEVER blindly trust someone, not even your spouse. My take is to treat this as a more elaborate act until presented with sufficient evidence that he is indeed reformed.

ask him to take a polygraph. you need the full story about ALL of his affairs. tell him this is one of many thing you need to feel safe in the marriage. he needs to take and PASS a poly so if there's anything he hasn't come clean about, he better get it out NOW.

He is a serial cheater, which means he actively seeks opportunity. you're going to have to take some action to see if he's willing to change his lifestyle.

his workplace sounds like a hotbed of opportunity. this is a big problem.

I mentioned polygraph ,,,he said he would but not sure we could trust technology
He said he was missing a void in his life.. Only Christ could fill...He been reading scripture and praying...the counsor said we have a lot to stand on if his transformation is real..

I never had a chance to grieve and show him the consequences of his actions.... He is constantly telling me how sorry he is... Never did this before...we r starting some individual counseling sessions as well

Can you do MB coaching instead?

Please read these.
Polygraph Testing
Never Take the Word of a Wayward

Have you exposed his affairs? Are any of his OW married?

Have you read all of these?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Our counselor has given us Surviving An Affair and we are also reading Not Just Friends... He confessed all of his transgressions to our Small Group, Pastor, our family and I have told some of both our friends...the first woman was not married and so was the latest one...I did not expose affair to his work place..when I discovered the EA I confronted him and he confessed but left out some details which I recently found... He continued to work with her up until two weeks ago when she willingly left the company...supposedly she left quietly. I also had a chance to inquire from a former employee of his to see if she had noticed anything between the two of them... She said no and was blown away at what had taken place... Unless he has a phone hidden there has been no other contact....he continually tells me that he was not going to cross over to a physical relationship but there was elicit sexual context in some of the texting...when asked about the conversations he said he could not remember them...told me more half truths

Are you scheduling a polygraph?

Will talk to counselor on Monday about this

Pokie, you don't need your counselor's permission to require a poly to confirm your WH's veracity. It is essential that you receive the truth that you require in order to begin any sort of recovery.

I am concerned that your WH is trickle-truthing you. He appears to have a long history of lies and deception. A poly should be one of the first requirements on your list.

Also, how have you independently confirmed that this dirt bag OW has really quit that job? Don't take your WH's word for it. He has demonstrated that he is an accomplished liar.

The company that hired her called for her reference while we were on vacation....I was there to see the call and even called the number to see that it was the other company...I do agree with trickle truth concept..

My hubby recently sat down with me and told me more about his time line of the affairs. He told me about the latest one as well. He has agreed to have our IT friend who knows about our situation pull up the deleted texts..He will be starting some individual counseling as well. He had his first one yesterday..I definitely see the difference Christ is making in his life after 5 months..he know that he has a lot of work to do to repair the damage he has caused. My question to any of you is this..do I need to see the texts to put any closure on this? I don't want to always wonder about the details. I think if I see the game going on between them I can understand who he was..

Although you may be uncertain now, you may change your mind in the future and want to see them.

If you don't retrieve them now, you may find they are irretrievable after a period of time.

Have them printed, and if you're still unsure, place them in a sealed envelope and store the envelope in a secure location (one only you know about, preferably "off-site").

If you decide you never want to see them, you can shred them at any time. If you decide you need to know the content, you can read them whenever you decide.

Personally, I would have to see them.

Best wishes -

BV

He is nervous about me seeing the texts but I reassured him that his transparency is HUGE!! It is a step in the right direction and makes it much easier for us to move forward!

Have you had him take a polygraph?

No we did not do a polygraph.. He says he would but have heard people can get past even that.. And still be guilty..I am getting the texts at this point..

Tell him you'll take that chance.