Hello,

I am interested in the fact that you are on the receiving end of plan B and you are in this forum! How did you find out about plan B and the forum, how did you react at first to plan B (and maybe plan A before)? How do you react now? What will you do?

I am asking these questions as I think my wife is becoming aware of Dr. Harley's techniques (she knows about this website) and I do not know if the WW being aware of the techniques will make a difference from one who does not know anything about 'the plans'

Thanks

At the moment the status of my plan B is that my wife refuses to contact the IM or use the cozi.com orgainser for the kids. She has been trying to communicate with me through the kids, notes and text messages but I refuse to reply. She has trouble contacting me but so have I! I need to communicate the minimum on things about the kids.

You are enabling her to break your plan B. She's not having trouble contacting you - she's just refusing to do so on your terms.

I do not see how I can force her into the terms of my plan B. She is not communicating with me as she does not get a reply or action in relation to her attempts to communicate. Communication works two ways or it is not that. I do not see how I can force her into my terms of my plan B. But you may have a suggestion.

Don't respond to her unless she goes through your IM. You should have contact avenues blocked, so she has no choice but to use your IM.

X2

Change your cell number and do not acknowledge any thing that comes from the kids. Throw notes away unread.

It's really that simple.

I am doing some of these things but I cannot change my mobile number as I use for for business. She has not tried my phone numbers for a while. I leave the notes exactly where she left them, untouched, so that she does not even know if I read them. I have told my elder daughter not to give me any messages from her mother while her mother was standing next to her -while she was on the phone to me- telling her what to tell me. Then I hung up.
She has got the message that I do not want to hear from her directly but she still thinks that notes do not count, when the notes have things underlined, in caps and with exclamation marks. What she does not understand is that I am protecting myself from the hurt of her attitude, even on brief notes.

I would have your IM send another message.

"All information regarding kids and finances that needs to be relayed to peternoon will not be read unless it goes through (IM's email)."

Have your IM reiterate the below (from the IM training link).
He said if he tries to contact me any other way, they will indicate I have not opened/listened to whatever it is, and refer him back to them for all communication.

We understand that even little communication from the WS is very painful to the BS. That's why we stress how important a dark Plan B is to the BS.

The problem is that I discussed with the IM the possibility of giving her my wife's mobile number or e-mail address so that she would contact my wife and introduce herself. However, we both thought it looked inappropriate to give my wife's contact details to a stranger. We do not know how she might react.
My wife's excuse for not using the cozi.com calendar is that she could not download the app for her mobile phone which is what she uses for everything. I have said to her, in my PBL that she would not get any more help from me on anything. At the same time she will think it is me who wants her to use the calendar so why would I not help her? I do not know what to do on this one.

Give your WW the IM's contact info. It's up to her to follow through with contacting the IM.

Your WW is a big girl and isn't learning-disabled, evidently. She's just going to have to figure out how to use the calendar. If she is truly clueless, you will have to do it the old-fashioned way and send all info through your IM.

You, sir, are helping your WW stay in contact with you. Cut it out. That is to your detriment and defeats the entire purpose of Plan B.

My H used his cell heavily for business. After D-Day he CHANGED HIS NUMBER because it was one of my requirements. He sent a text and email to all of his contacts to give them his new number. And you know what? His business wasn't affected AT ALL. If you find it simply unbearable to do this, block her numbers and don't answer phone numbers you don't know. If a strange number leaves you a message, ask someone else to listen to it. If it is WW, ask them to NOT tell you what she said. Immediately inform your IM to let her know that her attempt to contact you was unsuccessful, and remind her that ALL contact needs to go through the IM.

This really isn't hard when you realize it isn't hard, peter. Stop helping your WW to break your Plan B. That will come back to haunt you.

Marital bliss,

I am peters IM and have been saying exactly what you said over and over again. There are so many holes in this plan B I don't even know where to start.

I have explained to Peter that no Wayward has ever been happy to communicate via IM they are forced to use the IM when all other means of communication are closed.

I am sad to say that the poster has followed advice from another site therefore has had numerous conflicting pieces of advice and the plan B letter I saw was very very open to communication stating he is willing to talk even using Skype should his WW feel like connecting.

I want this poster to be more open on the forum about his plan so he can get the appropriate help. I can't IM unless he follows MB advice only and have told him so several times.

Sorry Peter if you think I am being harsh on you I just want you to get the benefits from plan B like you are supposed to and get the help of the vets on here in order to progress with your situation.

I do not think you are being harsh but I do not appreciate talking to other people over my head.
I thought I had sufficiently explained to other posters that my wife does not attempt to contact me by phone or e-mail anylonger, that she has almost stopped trying to send me messages through the kids altogether and that she is only using notes now. I am trying to say that she woould rather not communicate at all but that my problem is that we should have a communication channel about the kids (you) and the cozi, which she refuses to use.
I have also explained to you why I cannot give too much detail on this forum if it cannot be made private among subscribers. I have already asked the moderators to remove my other thread to which nobody is contributing and which leaves me exposed to snooping.

peter, NB cannot affectively IM for you if you choose to allow your WW to dictate the terms of her contact. You should thank NB for talking 'over your head' - you have asked for an IM and are trying to work around her! Are you KIDDING ME?? Let NB actually IM for you, sir! She is going to assist you!

Again, I will tell you this: You need to allow NO COMMUNICATION with your WW unless it is via NB. I'm sorry if I sound flip, peter, but how hard is that to understand?? Do you want to do Plan B, or not? If you don't, let NB know - don't waste her time.

Everything I said here I have already said to you directly none of my comments are news to you.

I have not disclosed any identifying details and you know exactly what I am referring to when I am saying about the holes in your plan B, I gave one of many examples hoping that you will take the lead and explain the rest which again does not have to include any revealing details.

If you want the help here people won't be able to help you unless you tell them the whole situation (and again you can easily do this without identifying details).

The name of the calendar site you mentioned is much more identifying than anything I said in my posts on your thread.

I am happy to step down as IM if you feel that I am not keeping quiet enough about your plan B status. I have not made any comments until you posted here for help from the MB vets yet knowing you have serious issues with gaps in your plan B where direct communication has not been stomped out, I don't get it? Where you hoping for different advice so you can further customise MB principals to fit your situation?? Do you go between this site and the other site hoping to cherry pick the easiest advice and when that does not work (because cherry picking advice never works) keep trying until someone gives you and easy path??

I will let the vets handle it from here.

maritalbliss: I may have forgotten, are you NB's husband?

I think I walked into the lion's den by re-posting here.

Maritalbliss,

I have tried my best I really have but I can't help until Peter plugs the gaps in plan B simple as that.

No learning2grow is my H.

All I'm asking is for you to be honest with people here Peter because that way you get the help you need. I am sorry if you feel betrayed.

LOL! No. I am a female. So is NB. I don't know her personally.

peter, what do you mean by this? Please don't make a vague statement without an explanation. That is unfair to our members.