So are you going to go into an B?

Well, Brainhurts, I am going to use an abbreviated version. I can't use an intermediary. There are way too many things the girls are involved with that require coordination - who's gonna drive next to practice, who's gonna pay the next installment, what time are you gonna make it to get them, etc. The intermediary would need a small salary for the things that we have to communicate back and forth regarding the girls. But, I'm going to limit it to emails and texting, only as needed. No more "chatting" about unrelated things.

I was asked by a friend of ours to join their soccer team for 6 weeks starting in Nov. He said that my ex told him to ask me (he's a mutual friend) because they needed more girls on the team. At first, I said "yes" because I think it will be fun and great exercise. I did this a few summers ago, but my ex played on the same team. It occurred to me the other day to ask our friend if my ex intended to play on the same team. He said "yes, why, is that a problem?" I told him that I was trying to reduce contact with him to be able to move on and it may be. So, here we go again. Do I say "no" to that team, though I was excited about it, or play and just manage to ignore him during the game? Several of my friends will be there that I can talk to and hang out with. But.....ugh!

You will never be able to move on in these circumstances that you choose to place yourself.

Many of us are divorced and in plan B.

Personally I have 3 young children and am in plan B.

Indeed.......moving on with the emeshment will be difficult.

You have sole custody and your x wife only has supervised visitation right?

I agree.....I would not be playing on the same team for sure. Find different recreation.

In my case that is correct
However my plan B is not the exception. Dr Harley encourages plan B after divorce; in fact one of his rules is to have no contact with former lovers (obviously including ex spouses).
Many affairs start between divorced couples who remarried but remained in close contact.

Enmeshment...first time I've heard that term and I had to look it up. It could maybe apply in my situation. My ex and I have had a very unorthodox relationship (absolutely NOT to include sex).

I guess if it weren't so hard for me to move on, it may not be a big deal to be on the soccer team with him. But with me struggling to fully heal, I do need a version of Plan B.

Julie

So???

Many posters who don't have sole custody are also in Plan B. Like he said.

Do you see what you did here? You are really giving us way TMI because you like talking about your ex.

I have to tell you between the boards and folks I know IRL who still talk/see to their exes seem to either be somewhat infatuated with them (or at least constantly talking about them, bringing them up) or in constant turmoil or some kind of mixture between the two.

Every poster here who has done a real Plan B with or after Plan D with a WS will tell you the same thing Plan B = peace and finally being able to move forward with a personal recovery.

Not sure what the So??? Is about, seems a bit in my face. I asked a question about his situation which he answered.

In case you didn't notice, the "So" was followed by question marks...THREE of them as a matter of fact. It's not "in your face" at all....she's just asking a question.

Allow me to rephrase, why does Jedi's situation matter in this discussion about post divorce Plan B? What are you implying to this newbie?

Mr. W

Welcome to MB Julie,

It's a big circle. In order for it not to be a big deal..you've got to move on...to move on you need to distance yourself from your ex to the greatest extent possible...distance yourself mean "no contact"...then, in time, being on the same soccer team with him isn't even a consideration.

You are modeling behavior for you children. How do you want them to handle people that have been cruel to them in the future. Should they feel thay have to suck it up "for the team" and endure abusive relationships because that's what mommy taught them?

I'm not saying never forgive...it's that you can forgive AND maintain appropriate distance from the forgivee. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation of the relationship.

Godspeed,
Mr. W

You need Harley's Plan B, or you might as well have no plan at all.

]
So???

Many posters who don't have sole custody are also in Plan B. Like he said.

[/quote]

Not sure what the So??? Is about, seems a bit in my face. I asked a question about his situation which he answered. [/quote]

In case you didn't notice, the "So" was followed by question marks...THREE of them as a matter of fact. It's not "in your face" at all....she's just asking a question.

Allow me to rephrase, why does Jedi's situation matter in this discussion about post divorce Plan B? What are you implying to this newbie?

Mr. W [/quote]

I am not sure why you are being so rude to me. I asked a simple question and I received an answer from him.

Wow, this "back and forth" with others regarding 'Plan B with parents with sole custody' and the misunderstanding threw me off with what was directed towards me or not. This is my post, lol. Everyone needs to be nice. This is a support group.

Anyway, SusieQ - No, I do not "like talking about my ex," just for the sake of talking about him. My efforts to move on are held back by many things, including the way he acts around me. Wouldn't I have to bring up those things that he does that sometimes interfere with my healing? Hence, makes it more necessary for me to do a Plan B. I tend to voice all my thoughts and write them down. There may be some more TMI below, so that's a warning to stop reading now. LOL.

I truly recognize that I haven't been very good at setting boundaries. This board is really convincing me of the need to a Plan B, for that last step in moving on. Although my therapist has talked with me about boundaries, she's never talked about this more extreme version of "no contact" because she knows we have kids, and that there's so many shared duties to get them where they need to be.

I am not infatuated with him, either, lol. That's funny. I've simply had to struggle with letting the past go. Not being bitter, moving on fully, and getting to the point where I don't care what he does, consistently. I feel that way most of the time, but lately, not when I know my babies are around her. It's okay, though, I will adjust.

MrWondering - I totally understand what you are saying. However, I do need to differ with you about the "modeling behavior" thing for my girls. My girls have not had as big of an adjustment to the divorce as many do, because they still have both their parents at all their events, their parents don't bicker and fight, and they have a mom who has been incredibly strong despite the emotional affair and resulting divorce. They know that their mom has suffered a great deal, but that their mom manages to keep the peace when he's around and put their needs first. Does it benefit my ex too? Yes! This method I've used hasn't worked well for ME to fully move on, but that's my personal issue. I have the issue to deal with, which is why I'm here. Some people can move on and be at peace with their ex, and be with them in a friendly manner. That's best for the kids. But if emotionally, it brings me down and keeps me stuck, it's not beneficial. So, I am holding myself back. It's like a paradox. I have this problem because I'm trying to be a good example. But, it ends up hurting me in the end. I've had numerous friends say that they admire how my ex and I handle things and that we get along like we do. They think we are "model exes" and that it's great for the kids.

I know that I'll be a better, ,more consistently happier mom though, if I move on fully, and that's what's going to be BEST for my girls.

Additional note: I want to add that I really do appreciate everyone's feedback on here! It's so helpful to know what others have done and been through!

Almost,

If you want the drama to stop follow Dr. Harley's Plan B and go NC with your XH.

SusieQ is one of our best Plan Bers (with children) and she remains NC with her WXH.

How can we help you get into a good dark Plan B and start healing?

Ok, I just told that friend that I can't play on the team. It's done, no more thinking about it.

Brain hurts, my intentions are to reduce contact to necessary emails or texts only, regarding pertinent info about the girls. At sports events, I will choose for him NOT to sit by me or engage me in conversation. I will discontinue any discussions about my personal financial situation with him. I won't send him pics of the girls to "be nice."

I have to be prepared to get the same coldness in return, but that's what's needed.

In this plan B, I have the hardest time figuring out how to act at my daughters games. If my other two are sitting by their dad, am I supposed to go sit off in a corner by myself? After its been done this way all along? I'm afraid that if I totally separate myself, it's going to open the door quicker for OW to maybe show up at a game in the town where she lives. That would be the first time I'd have to be around her. I dread it. I need help with this part of it, for sure.