I would pick someone who can remain neutral and be like a "filter". The time wouldn't really be that much, unless you and your XH really communicate a lot.

Since pretty much everyone has email on their phones I don't think it would really be that much time.

Send them this IM Training School

Ok, I've got my letter done. Took out the option of wanting him to come back, but other than that, it's real similar. I'm not quite ready to send it.

He called today. I didn't answer. He left me a voicemail that said he knew I had planned a trip this weekend and was gonna ask about it. Normally I would return the call, but I didn't. I just texted "leaving tomorrow."

You need to be completely ready. Have your email intermediary set and ready to go. That person needs to read the IM training link that Brainhurts posted.

Is soccer season about to end for the girls? It'd be nice if games and events were kind of off the table for a few weeks. Maybe you drop it right before a trip or something. ...giving yourself a least a one week buffer.

I wonder if you should have a talk with the girls prior to or at the same time as sending the letter? They need it explained to them too and be told that you aren't punishing them and don't expect them to do the same. They also need to know that you don't want to talk about Dad or get updates about dad's life anymore.

I think you should post the Plan B letter for comment.


Mr. W

I don't think a silent IM is particularly needed.
He can think whatever he wants.
This is a free country and she doesn't have to talk to anyone she doesn't want to.
She doesn't even have to be polite to him.

I suggest you post the letter.
I would not sign it "your lovin ex wife".
What values are there to love in an adulterer?

Do you have an IM candidate in mind?
Your biggest issue will be the child exchanges.
You need a neutral place for this where he picks them up and drops off at a friends house

How do you guys copy a comment in the box to respond to it?

Anyway, soccer season is actually about to start in September. So it's going to be quite a challenge to figure it all out.

He was blowing up my phone this morning about meeting up before I left out of town because he wanted to come see the girls before we left. I just texted him back and said he could meet is at Valero to say bye to them. Then of course, he comes up to me to start talking.

I haven't sent him the letter yet, but I will post on here for comments soon.

I appreciate everyone's help so much!

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Thanks MrWondering.

I am nervous about sending the ex my letter. Ugh.

Can you post it here first for feedback?

July 25, 2013

Dear ****

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. It appears I neglected some of your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a void in our marriage that allowed your affair with ***** to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I would have done whatever it took to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be a stronger woman that I had really wanted you to feel proud to call your wife once again, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. And now, I so want to be able to put the past where it belongs.

That being said, despite appearances, the past five years have been extremely difficult for me. I am NOT OK. Your affair and our subsequent divorce have been the most emotionally traumatic events of my life. I am still feeling the hurt and pain every time I see and speak to you. I recently saw pictures of you with Kelly, and knowing that my girls were there too -- it was still like a dagger to my heart. In the beginning, I pretended everything is OK in hopes that one day you'd wake up and come home to me/us. I also pretended because that's what I thought divorced persons were supposed to do for the kids. I still pretend sometimes that everything is fine, but I can't pretend anymore. It's not good for me and what's not good for me, I've learned, isn't good for my kids either. Lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more recently than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is a drain on my life and that I've been suffering from this the entire time. Therefore, it is with a certain amount of regret and a whole lot of fear that I say to you that until something else changes, I will be having no direct communication with you, and I will not be seeing you unless absolutely necessary at a function that the girls have. This is not to punish you, it is to protect me. I can't continue to pretend I'm OK while your relationship with her continues and my children have contact with her. I also need this if I have want to fully move on. Our relationship almost continued as a �psuedo-marriage,� which was(is) unhealthy for me.

Pretending also teaches the girls that it�s okay to put their own feelings aside and to tolerate and act like everything is okay. I can only pray they don�t have to go through what their mother did with their dad, but hopefully, with my modeling, they will handle any relationship crisis in a way that keeps their self-respect, emotional health, and well-being intact in the best way possible.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and work with them to set up visits. They all have cell phones now, which will facilitate this. We will communicate by email and, perhaps, an online parent scheduling calender program typically used by parents in high conflict divorces. In essence, we will convert to a parallel parenting plan.

I wanted nothing more than for us to once again be a team.I had wanted to grow old with you. I fooled myself that cooperating with you was the path towards reconciliation with you. I now realize this path has just left me hurting and stuck in the past. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and there�s still a part of me that cares sometimes. Until complete healing, or other things happen, I no longer wish to see or speak to you again if it can be avoided. Please respect my privacy.



Your ex-wife,

I strongly suggest you use an IM for email contact.
I would be willing to be an IM If needed.

Wow, thanks jediknight! I will let you know!

The issue is the direct contact.
For example, a sample email from ex husband: "let's just get along. We can still be friends and you were always hard headed. We need to be examples for the girls. Can I call you later?"

The IM would forward this to you: ". "

Nothing. No drama.

Example 2: "DD left her jacket here and she isn't answering her phone. Why don't you act more mature and answer my calls? I've had a terrible week and my affair partner is having her period"

The IM would forward this: "DD left her jacket at ex husband house"

No drama "just the facts"

I think it is a very nice letter. It is so great that you are letting him know that you are NOT ok. He has been living in a fantasy that his adultery has had no lasting effects on anyone.

From D day on I told my wxh that it would always be a dagger to my heart as long as he stayed with the OW. Ds told him the same thing about his feelings. It took 4 years but wxh finally woke up and saw he had to break up with her. His relationship with his son is MUCH better now.

I am really happy for you to be taking this step. It kills me to see BSs having problems with depression/anxiety, going to counseling, stuck and still thinking and posting a lot about their ex (yes, we see this A LOT on these forums) because they are still in contact. I hardly think about my ex anymore and really could care less what he's up to!

One of our veteran posters, MelodyLane had contact with her ex for years and she said it was like a dark cloud that hung over her. Once she finally Plan B'd him she felt immensely better!

Anyway, you may want to address pickup/drop off and tell him to stay in the driveway. I had to do this and even then, he still tried to come up to the door. I had some family members here for the first couple of weeks to meet him at the door and basically let him know he was not welcome in the house. He still made excuses to try to get into the garage, etc. He was shut down every time and I haven't had any problems since.

Just as a side: This new situation also creates security for the children because they KNOW exactly what to expect. Are mom and dad going to talk? Will there be tension? How's this going to go? There is none of that. They don't wonder and hope that we will be getting back together as some children do (and on the flip side, blame themselves or feel let down if it doesn't happen). There are clear boundaries and I truly believe this is why they are doing as well as they are despite the hell they have been through! Exactly what parallel parenting preaches.

I am very proud of you for taking this step!!!

Agree with all of this. Would just use a secret IM and pls commit to this plan for one year.

Letter needs tweaking but I don't have time right now.

I think you leave the door open too much for contact. By saying
"unless we need to" it allows you (and him) to justify almost anything as an imperative "need" to communicate.

I would like to add a few more directives. Maybe add a second page with some general guidelines, such as:

1. Child exchange/dropoff: Do not get out of your car. Do not come to the door. Do not have the children communicate personal information about you and/or your life to me on your behalf. Have something to say or a request...email me.

2. Calling my cell phone is ONLY to be used in emergencies (life or death). If you call me...it better be an absolute emergency.

3. Texting FACTS like "running late..be there in 15 minutes" or "coming back DD forgot her bookbag" without any added language or expectation of a conversation or even a response MAY be acceptable. I will discontinue such and change my number completely if I feel your texts are intrusive and/or you can't respect my boundaries.

4. Soccer Games/events: At least for the next ONE year, I will not attend any of the girls games/events where you are present. I won't pretend that I have the authority to tell you not to go. However, I'm hoping that you will respect my feelings here and refrain from attending a fair number of games/events so I can watch our children too. I'll even give you first choice. When the schedule comes out...if you would be a dear and pick and choose which games you will attend and which I CAN attend without you being there, that would be appreciated. Again, if you refuse, I simply won't attend anything.

5. If OW attends anything...I will refuse to allow the girls to participate. I will not allow them to be subjected to and be expected to be respectful of an enemy of their family whom has directly harmed them. If you respect nothing else, know that I am serious when I say I will do anything to protect our children from her

(do you currently have to consent to or pay for a portion of their participation in all these activities???? Not that you want to punish the children but perhaps the threat will induce him to keep OW away. Usually, in custody cases you each have the authority to make all the decisions regarding your children during YOUR visitation with them. He can't demand they play soccer during your parenting time without your agreement)


mr w

Okay, thanks for everyone's valuable feedback!

I have been crazy busy with my girls and haven't done much with this yet. The soccer game thing is a BIG deal to me. I can not, will not, refuse to go to my girls' games because my ex may be there. That can't be an option. When my girls are grown up, I am gonna miss these games more than anything--why on earth would I give up something so important to me? I get so much satisfaction and joy out of being there. Never would I stop going to EVERY game.

Anyway, more to reply on this later...

Thanks again!

I'm just here to agree with the above.

What can I say that someone else already hasn't? MW is right

If you MUST go to every game.......and......since you are divorced and not trying to save the marriage......just trying to heal from the mess.

Practice saying in a monotone, slightly beautiful and feminine voice

"I would appreciate you not sitting with me"
"I will not talk with you"

over and over and over again as needed once you go to Plan B.

Plan B is tough. People heal in it. It is not something you can craft to your own liking BUT you are divorced and not planning on EVER reconsiling and have vowed to yourself to go to your childrens' activities.

Create some boundaries so that your ex knows things are not okay presently.