I don't know where to begin. I found out about my husbands affair due to phone bills, he denied and denied until I spoke to the OW. She admitted everything, asked for forgiveness, said she would never speak to him again. She is not living in houston anymore either. I kicked him out and we are living seperately.
I exposed him to my family, his family, and his workplace, since that's where it began. It's been one week and since then he has been fired, his car has broken down, and is staying at a friends.
He stated on Monday he would like to try again, I said I was not sure and told him to give me space and time. Now yesterday he was fired and said he is thru with me and our relationship. Before being fired yesterday, he began opening up and checking in on me and our son daily, which wasn't happening before i found out about the afffair.
His reasoning for the affair were that he didn't feel the same, we were always fighting, he's immature. Etc. Which I do agree since I was in that spot also and thinking about leaving but decided to try.
I will admit that our lives have been constant pain to each other. We are high school sweethearts, teenage parents, and moved in together so that i could escape my parents divorce and fights, and he could escape an abusive household.
I am 23, he is 24 and our son is 5.
Since the beginning he has always had issues with needing to speak to other women, I wouldn't have a problem except he attempts to hide them to "protect me" yet I find out and the woman will apologize which leads me to think he was doing something wrong.
I will admit that after the first time, I began hating him and never really made an effort to trust or believe him, so it's led to countless fights, no trust, and now an affair.
He states he needs his privacy, but I don't agree.
We cannot afford a MC, especially now that we are both umeployed and I a full time student.
He is not speaking to me, I feel hurt since he said he would try but now hates me.
I don't know where to begin, I feel so lost and need leadership.

Hi there. I am new to this forum and dont have the experience most on here do, but I wanted to let you know I am so sorry for this and that I will be praying for you. I know this is very difficult.

so sorry for the reasons that brought you here.


Have you read the basic concepts on this site?

I would encourage you to order SAA, LB's and HNHN's right away.

There is hope. MB gives you a plan to not only recover your M but make it better than it ever was.

Only you can control you. What he decides to do is his choice.

Who all did you expose to and what did you say?

Who is this OW? Is she married?

I exposed to both of our families, parents and siblings. His workplace, in which his bosses adored our son and myself and saw us as family. The manager apologized for not noticing sooner and they fired him, while he was about to be promoted again. H had asked me to not say anything, but after reading the forums decided i would not be an enabler.i ordered SAA, will order LB and currently have HNHN. I am also reading Love Must be Tough, and I told him he was free to go and no further contact unless it was for our son. He apologized immediately but i will hold my ground, unlike the other times he trues to force the forgive and forget so that there would not be problems, but he continued and finally led to the affair. I will stand strong, because i feel it in myself i lost all my self respect.
OW is a high school grad 19, lives in Virginia now but they were still communicating and thats how i got her number. The affair took place around April i believe, as he still hasnt come completely clean.
What more do i do?
Thank you both!

Great! You have strength. It is very evident! Bravo for you to expose.

Are you familiar with Extraordinary Precautions?

Do you think he would be willing to enter a program of Recovery? (MB)

1) He must be willing to write a No Contact letter (templates on this site)to her and never talk to her the rest of his life.

2)You must put in place EP's to make sure this never happens again.

3)Identify what the problems were prior to the A and eliminate them. What were his main complaints about your M? What are your complaints?

4) Create a romantic relationship by using MB program. Identify each other most important EN's (print 2 copies of the questionnaire found on the website)spending 15hrs/wk of undivided attention meeting each others needs.

5) Study the Policy of Joint Agreement, Policy of Radical Honesty. There 2 principles are the backbone of the program.

6) Consider emailing Dr Harley on the MB Radio program FOR FREE. Get advice directly from him! There is a free MB app for smart phones. I listen to the radio program nearly every day! Cases like yours are talked about almost daily. You can gain fantastic insight!


Overall, he must break all contact with her!

Dr. Harley would encourage you to find out what it was that was missing in your M prior to the A. There are always REASONS that people have an A...NEVER excuses but reasons. Find out what you were doing that he didn't like and correct it. Give him hope that you can have an amazing M.

One of the things that is so awesome about MB is that is creates romantic love and will allow you to affair proof your M. A marriage in which Both people are equally happy and play by the same rules.

My FWW and I are in just over 1.5 years from here A and notwithstanding the fallout of the A, our M has never been better.

Dr. Harley recommends that the BS write down ALL their questions about the A and sit down with your WH - 1 time - and get all the details you need. He will need to be completely honest about everything. Once it is discussed and you have the facts, the A is never to be brought up again.

In some cases a lie detector test is needed to ensure you have all the facts.

Prior to doing this, I encourage you to read up on this site about Safe Negotiations. It will help frame these discussions in a way that make both of you feel safe.

Well, I told him not to contact me again unless he was ready to discuss our situation. He agreed and we have not spoken since.
We aren't living together either, and he has changed the passwords to everything because I asked him to.
At the moment I doubt he would go to any program because he said there is nothing to talk about or try and fix.
So now my question is, where do I begin to make him want to talk?
Is it by me distancing myself? I don't know where to go now that I asked him to not speak to me.

You know what I really hate, this feeling that although I did not commit the affair, I feel as if I am the one who did something wrong. Especially since he was fired. I do admit the marriage was not perfect, and I would have never realized it without the books, but I hate this feeling. Me wanting to work on it and him not.
Just needed to vent.

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

I did not expose to anyone on the OW side. Should I?

He texted me, said he wants to meet tomorrow at 12. It was very direct and short. Did not ask about our son. Ugh, why am I feeling like crap. Should I prepare anything, i have not even finished HNHN. I have been skimming the articles here, but still feel unprepared for tomorrow.

Yes.

Have you read this?
Exposure 101

If you want to try to save you M, when you see him tomorrow be very careful to not commit any LB's.

If I were you, I would tell him that you love him and want to save your M. That you realize the mistakes you have made in the M and are committed to not do the things that made him fall out if love with you. I would not talk D at all.

Look your absolute best! Show him what he will lose. Be positive and as cheerful as you possibly can. As attractive as possible.

Him losing his job is not your fault. He chose to do this to you. Right? What is happening to him are the natural consequences of his actions.

What do you want?

Have you read all the material on the website concerning A's?

He is in the fog and most likely going to be nasty tomorrow. Be prepared.

If he attacks you about exposure and losing his job just tell him than you are doing these things to save your M and that you love him. That you still believe you have a future together. Do not let him drag you into a finger pointing, blaming discussion.

Just keep saying you dont discuss D and only speak M.

If he keeps pushing you make a D look as ugly as possible. Let him know you will NOT be friends after the D, you will get the best lawyer you can find, file on grounds of A and it will not be pretty. You will drag that SKANK into court too.

Have you read this and watched the video?

How to Survive Infidelity

This might not be easy, but practice if you need to and follow 20YearHistory's suggestions here as absolutely closely as you can. You do this and he will most likely be very confused. He might not show it during the meeting, he might be outwardly hostile due to the job loss, but he will eventually remember how you looked and how strong and in control you were and it will be a strong and positive memory. Additionally, do not beg! Just say "Yes I think I understand... I am sorry that you feel that way....I am not talking about a divorce"...etc., all with a very pleasant look, calm demeanor and nonjudgmental attitude.

No begging and no LBs...good luck!

Yes, you need to prepare for tomorrow's meeting. Make a list of your requirements that will cause you to allow him to come home and recover your marriage. He more than likely intends to strong-arm you, or he wouldn't be scheduling a meeting. Don't let him manipulate you. Keep the conversation friendly and loving (Plan A) but don't back down from what you require for recovery.

Suggestions for your requirements:
1. NC letter to OW.
2. Total transparency-all passwords are made known to you. His whereabouts are made known to you at all times. No password on his cell phone.
3. He agrees to a polygraph.
4. He changes his cell phone number.

I'm so terrified to try again with him, I don't know if I could take another affair of any sort from him. It absolutely scares me..



So no speaking about the affair either yet? I guess my goals for tomorrow are to somehow plant in his head to want to try again? By not doing any crying, whining, begging, forcing, fighting, demands. Geez, feels as if I committed the crime lol.



So should I ask this of him tomorrow outright? Or do I see where the conversation is going, and if I see an inclination to him wanting to attempt I give him my requirements? Won't that scare him away?
I feel as if he just wants to give up and not attempt at all. He has always hated reading, so I wouldn't know how to get him to learn everything I'm learning...

We were living with my father due to me having to stop working and dedicate to school to finish sooner. I would not feel comfortable with him and I living here, and I know my father would not either.
Since we are living separately, do I still tell him he needs to change his number, email, and NC contract, polygraph, and transparency?

Y'all are a blessing and helping me get through the day so much easier. I actually have some hope.

Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

You demand he ends his affair and if he isn't willing to do what it takes then you go to Plan B and get away from the abuse.