20YH, Thanks to this website and the articles I have truly realized where i went wrong. Like, i can't even believe how word for word right it is. My husband of all people knows I hate being wrong, i really believed i was the good one in the R. *Sigh* if only i had found this sooner.

Thanks FM2.

Yes, thanks BH and FMT. The advice has been great!

Here.

Extraordinary Precautions

You must affair proof your marriage. How you do that is stop and plug the holes that allowed his affair to happen. If it was texting then he changes his number and all contact information.

Did you see the other steps I posted to you yesterday? They are the template from SAA.

Thanks NG. I just posted the template from SAA.

To answer your other question. I would send whatever you have to the cousin, since they asked.

Yes. EP's are not negotiable and part of dr Harley's program.

They are absolutely a requirement. I think you are positioning yourself for R. Remember you can only control you. What he does is up to him.

Dr Harley would encourage you to Plan A at this point. Please read up on this. Since he has broken all contact with her is a great sign that you have a good chance.

I would continue to be as attractive as possible in a your contact with him. Show him how loving you can be. Outline your EPs to him, post them here for our help and let him know these rules to for both of you. Once he agrees get him back in the house immediately.

I made this critical error early on. Clearmind and I both think you are doing great.

jma, the OW in my own situation looked me straight in the eye without flinching and promised NC. I believe at that point she meant it...until the power of the addiction and withdrawal made her give in and contact resumed. Same for my FWH.

It concerns me that you think there is NC because he left his phone records open and OW may have moved to NJ. Your WH has not committed to recovery and has not shut down the avenues of communication. There are many ways for contact to resume even across country.

Believe only what you can personally verify.


Hang in there. You are doing great.

BH: Yes I did read the EP's you gave me, but I did not tell him anything about it because he said he felt it was too soon, plus he felt he was nothing cause of his job loss etc. I don't want to scare him away, so how do I proceed? Do I wait until he says he's ready? He did take the EN Questionnaire...
I sent everything to the cousin, she replied "We are handling this as a family, stop contacting us with your crazyness and learn how to control your UNFAITHFUL husband." I did not reply, because I know now this is not the first time this whore has done this.

20YH: So my question is, do I tell him the EP's yet? Or wait? I am going to start writing them out tomorrow. I will read up on Plan A and continue on it. I think once he finds a job and is able to find an apt alone he will feel more comfortable. Right now he is at a friends, with 2 other roommates and sleeps on the floor.
How can I show him love without smothering? We are both apprehensive, it feels like we are dating and not sure what's allowed or not. Do I text him, call him? Or let him? Sorry, i really am confused.

PF: Of course that is still a thought in my mind, but I don't know what else I can do on my part without him thinking I am trying to control his every move, and we haven't agreed on our R yet. Plus, now knowing that it's not her first time makes me think she wanted the attention from him but nothing more. IDK, I could be fooling myself so I ask you if there is anything you recommend?

Write a letter to him with your conditions for recovery and give it to him.

Post it here so we may help you.

Yes give it to him now. I'm sorry if he isn't even wanting to hear your conditions then he isn't ready at all for recovery. You do not want to take him back unless he's ready or you will be sitting yourself up for a False Recovery.

So he text me a while ago, he said "Even though you apologized for what you think you did wrong. Apologizing would not make us or anything get better and it's not your fault I lost my job"
I replied " I know that, I'm not going to apologize for it because I did not cause you to lose your job intentionally. I did not apologize to you for my past mistakes to get you back, I only want you back if you want me"
He replied with "OK".

So I'm guessing I'm back to square one?
Ughh.

It's as if I had the affair, I mean, I understand I made my mistakes and I told him today at our meeting, but does he expect me to beg for him to come back? I don't understand him!?
I guess I need to continue showing him I can live with or without him?

Ahhhhhhhhh....poor little baby. Maybe he needs his diaper changed?


Look, this is TYPICAL Wayward fog talk. Now that the reality of what he has done is crashing down on him, he is looking for someone to blame.

Great reply. Do not apologize. You were just spreading his good news! Right?

Makes me hotter than a firecracker though. What a piece of work. Don't you see what he is doing? He is trying to point fingers at YOU for his mistakes. NO mention of what YOU are going through. How incredibly selfish. All he is worried is himself.

You made him lose his job? Riiiiighhht....He didn't commit ADULTERY and put HIMSELF in this situation now did he???

This is what all WS's do after exposure. They try get madder than a hornet. This only lasts a week or two. You have to keep your composure right now. No LB's. Do not get baited into these types of conversations.

Just keep saying 'The things I am doing is to save our M'. You don't have to say anything more.

Get your EP's together, let us review them and go from there.

Right now, go get a new outfit for yourself, do something nice for You! Go out with your friends and do something fun. Be careful though..you are vulnerable to other men right now. Female friends only. Go work out..whatever. Have some fun this weekend.

No heavy talk right now with him. Text him something funny or off topic if you want to stay in touch with him. Keep it light.

And now is the time for self reflection. When my W cheated on me, it was a big wakeup call and I used the opportunity to really look in the mirror and better myself.

Making you a better you is always a winning strategy.

You are doing great. His fantasy is crashing down around him. This is a good thing. Give it some time. You are on the right track.

There is a thread on here about the crazy things Waywards say...look it up.

Do not try to analyze or understand him. This is what adultery does. It turns the WS into an alien. My FWW was exactly the same way. Once the fog lifted, she really realized what she had done and is a totally different person now and I love her for it.

Just blow right past any of this nonsense. ok?

Just be as kind as you humanly possible to him without being a doormat. How can you go wrong? You can't.

I can tell he is realizing he is slowly loosing everything, and I can't say I don't pity him, but I just don't see any true remorse, he does not ask how I am, or how I am feeling. I think I may have jumped into Plan A to quick, or did I do right by choosing from the beginning to not cry or beg or say lets work it out?
By no heavy talk, do you mean nothing to do with R, D, A, questionnaires or working on us?
I am looking through the EP's and will make a list by tonight to post up here, as far as letter, what should that include?

Thank you 20YH!

Crap! So his exbosses asked me to come in yesterday to speak with me. I should have realized somebody would tell him, H has not contacted me except to ask "Did you go see Gus yesterday?" I have not replied.
His bosses said that unprofessionally they saw my son and I as family, they apologized and said they wished they had known sooner, he should have manned up etc. They said that professionally, he could be a liability to the business and that's why they let him go. They said that they do not want me to feel guilty, they know I did not do it our of spite or revenge and support me in anyway they can.
Now should I tell H, or do I ignore him? He has gone from no contact to sending me a message every few minutes.
It was always like that, he would not contact me throughout the day to check on our son and I, but only when he required something. Should I do the same?

That is excellent and the type of response that exposure is intended. Did his employer explain this to your WH when they fired him? That is how they can offer constructive support to you...since they see you as family.

It is this dose of reality that will help him to pull his head out of his butt. Consequences.

Thanks Pokerface, they were very understanding and asked me to not stop bringing our son by, since he calls them uncles. I told them it would take time because almost all the other employees knew, and it is difficult for me to walk in their and not feel embarrassed or ridiculed. I truly did appreciate them making that effort to console me, it removed a lot of the guilt I felt.
So now, my H found out of course, and he is texting non stop asking about it. Do I say anything to him about it?

The standard response is something along the lines of "I am sorry that you lost your job due to your affair."

Then change the subject.

Pokerface, thank you, but I am confused, he is asking if I did speak with his ex-bosses. Which I did. Should I just reply yes, and leave it at that? Do i even have to explain to him anything? I feel he will want to drag me into an argument.
I will tell him the "I am sorry you lost your job due to your affair". Sounds very powerful, yet not defensive! Thank you!!