Pius, at your stage of this awful process, it is worrisome that almost two days have passed since you last posted.

What goes on, friend?

Not too much going on. I ended up taking my kids to the beach. I talked with my wife first. She said she wouldn't see the OM while we were gone. Not sure if I can believe her. But I guess it might not matter much anyway. She doesn't have much desire to save the marriage. She wants a divorce and will be applying for jobs tomorrow.

I'm still in torment over this. I am hoping she will change her mind and want to reconcile. I still have mental images of her with OM which drive me crazy. At least my wife has started going back to church and has agreed to pray with me every evening. I'm desperately hoping maybe God will change her heart over time.

At this point Dr Harley would encourage you to "plan A"
Have you read about Plan A?
Are you trying to meet your wife's emotional needs?

I have been doing plan A for a while. The main things she expressed to me back when we were still talking was that she wanted more help around the house and wanted me to be more involved with the kids. I've been doing this for a while but didn't make any progress. Of course the affair was just exposed recently. It is going to be hard to continue to treat her kindly all the time when she has hurt me so badly. It will be hard to pretend like nothing has happened. And as far as anything involving both of us together, she is not interested in that anyway. She cares for the OM more than me, I am sure.

Pius, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you considered contacting Dr. Harley on his radio show?

This is a very good suggestion, and I hope you acted on it, friend.

No, you definitely cannot believe her.


Two things are going to have to happen:

Her love for the OM is going to have to weaken. Do everything you can to disrupt the affair to hasten this.

You need to present yourself as the better option. In addition to addressing the complaints she has previously made about your marriage, start trying to get her to spend time alone with you. This is where the real deposits are made.

Two things are going to have to happen:

1 - Her love for the OM is going to have to weaken.
2 - You need to present yourself as the better option.

Great synopsis, Markos, but I think, in this case, you missed one:

3 - You (Pius) are going to have to take this fight absolutely seriously.

The statement below belies that necessary concentration:

I ended up taking my kids to the beach. I talked with my wife first.

Dilettantes make poor MarriageBuilders warriors.

She doesn't have much desire to save the marriage.

At your stage of this process, the WSs never do. The successful BSs are the ones that "have much desire to save the marriage," display it, and act on it!

Did you have a nice time surfing while WW was "hanging ten" on OM?
Have you recontacted OM's father?
Have you pulled the plates on your second vehicle?
Have you followed ANY of the suggestions here, from folks who apparently give a bigger damn about saving your marriage than you do?

Plan A has more components to it for a man who is trying to entice his WW back into the M than a man who's wife has been faithful.

You, my friend, haven't done the Plan A where infidelity is involved.

Your W right now isn't herself. She is doing exactly what all waywards do. Making poor decision based on nothing more than an addiction. Her and this other guy have no future. He's a loser and soon the shine will wear off their torrid little romance once real life sets in. When they have to decide whether or not to live in his parents basement because they have no other choice that�s when the conflicts will start. Soon thereafter things will get ugly and she won�t know where to turn.

That is unless you follow a true Plan A now. Bust this fantasyland these two have and put a little dose of reality into it for them. Start making life difficult for them by making her make the hard choices now. Live in POSOM�s parents basement with no car and children only part of the time or stay with the father of her children who is doing what he can to make their M better?

This guy sounds like a real piece of work and it brings me no pleasure to tell you as long as he is in her life � he is in yours � because you won�t be able to keep him out of your kid�s lives. Mom will soon want to introduce him to them. Yuck. My heart goes out to you.

You are exactly right. The whole situation really is horrible beyond measure.

Pius, have you done this, yet?

Don't just react to what happens to you - act proactively.

It is a good suggestion and perhaps I shouldn't be such a coward, but I barely know the father and just don't feel comfortable asking him for more people to expose it to. It was hard enough to ask him to not allow my wife over his house anymore. Also the POSOM is just a loser anyway and I'm not sure he'd respond to the pressure.

Pius, there is an enormous amount of wisdom available here for you. Dr. Harley's advice has restored thousands of marriages after affairs, even where at first the wayward spouse was not willing to cooperate.

I am praying for you and your children, but I need to know - are you going to DO anything? Or just sit back and let this sin destroy your family? There is an enormous amount of potential in YOU to possibly turn this around. Do not judge that potential right now by her actions or what she says.

Listen: do your children know that their mother is having an affair, and who with? Do they know the man's name and have they seen a picture of him so they can identify him? They need to know to stay away from him. Especially the girls. I am sorry to say this, but men who will stoop to having an affair are much more likely to be molesters.

If you are going to give up now you are probably putting your children in harm's way. So please accept the wisdom here that God has led you to to fight this.

Please follow up on the many suggestions that have been offered to you. Don't just sit and pray and wait for your wife to magically change - start taking the actions that will change her. Do this for your children's sake, to maximize the chance that they will grow up in an intact home, rather than cowering in their bedrooms hoping that OM will not come in tonight.

Please expose this affair to your children if you have not already, and be specific as to who the OM is. Dr. Harley recommends that affairs be exposed to children as young as 4. Talk to your children - you are all they have left of the parents that God gave them. Their mother is an alien, and they need you to defend them.

PLEASE see your doctor about getting on antidepressants. These are recommended by Dr. Harley, and I can tell right now that you are not taking many actions and this is a sign that you probably do need some of this kind of help. Please, Pius, do this for your children, so you can keep your wits about you in the midst of disaster.

Please listen to Dr. Harley's radio show EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am so serious about this being the best help you can possibly get. Contact Dr. Harley about talking to him on the show. He will help spur you to helpful action.

Please get the book Surviving an Affair and read it, cover to cover.

Please read about Plan A:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184#Post2296184

I noticed that you have been leaving a lot of my questions unanswered and leaving a lot of suggestions unacted upon. Are our prayers in vain? Don't just pray for wisdom - take the wisdom that has been given.

Please follow up on every one of the suggestions above, my friend. Your children are counting on you. If you do not take these steps, there is literally noone in this world who can help them.

This is the time God has put you into your family for, Pius.

You don't understand how exposure works. Just the mere fact of people knowing what is going on takes away a lot of the luster of the affair, for both POSOM and your wife! Even if the people you expose to support the affair and don't apply any pressure at all. The exposure itself, the light of day, will have an effect that you can't possibly foresee.

It is very important that you TAKE ACTION. Do not just pray and do nothing.

It doesn't matter if you are a coward or not. You can act independently of your feelings. Don't way to feel brave or strong. Just act.


I guarantee you that fighting for your marriage is not going to feel comfortable! I can promise it, Pius. But your children growing up in OMs house is not going to be comfortable, either.

The fact that POSOM is such a loser makes him MORE LIKELY to scurry away when the light of day on the affair shines brighter. Men like that are likely to just go find another easier piece of *** that is less trouble.

And for the record, fighting for your wife makes love bank deposits. Make enough love bank deposits, and her feelings toward you will change. Many of us have restored our marriages with wives who didn't feel like restoring anything and can help you through the process.

Have you confronted the POSOM? Dr. Harley recommends that men especially contact the other man and order them to get away from their wives.

I love this image and it is a reminder that, even though you branded yourself a coward, your Defender (and your children's Defender) is strong.

http://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/12-9.htm
http://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/12-10.htm

And he said to me: My grace is sufficient for thee; for power is made perfect in infirmity. Gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

For when I am weak, then am I powerful.

Please listen to NeverGuessed. Know that he and I and many others are praying for you tonight. But that prayer is not going to avail anything if you do not pick up the sword and fight.

YOU ARE ALL THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE.

The greatest Marriage Builders poster of all time posts this video to teach betrayed husbands the message they want to convey to the POSOM:



Let this man realize that your wife is more trouble than she is worth.

Let him know that if your marriage goes to divorce, you will sue on grounds of infidelity and drag him into court as a witness to testify to his infidelity on the stand.

In some states you can sue HIM for alienation of affection. Check into this. Most OM will RUN LIKE HECK if they find out there is going to be any kind of trouble like this. After all, it's much less trouble to just go seduce another woman.

Please get those antidepressants. This is yet another tool that God has provided you.

You need to take these now to try to forestall your children taking them for years, possibly for the rest of their lives.

Have you seen this?
"I Encourage BHs to Confront OM" Dr Harley