Writer1,

Where is the sense in taking his wife to see the OM after more than 20 years? And letting them hug, right in front of him? He's practically putting a bow on his wife and giving her as a present to the OM. I'm simply curious as to what he hopes to accomplish by doing that.

Well if OM and WW jumped into OMs car that night and took off, then I had my answer, and a very definite course of action.

If WW broke down on the way home and confessed I had my answer.

As it was was WW acted guilty and apologetic, which tells something too.

That she now claimed to remember only a small percentage of what she had told me before tells me that I need to speak with OM and some of the other witnesses.

God Bless
Gamma

It's been 20 years. What are you hoping they might be able to remember? I remember very few details of the things I did 20 years ago. I suspect the reason why your wife remembers less than she did the first time she confessed all of this to you is because more time has passed since that first confession.

Why don't you stop dredging up ancient history and start focusing on making your marriage stronger today? Talking to the OM and taking your wife to see him will not accomplish that.

Writer1,

I can tell you this, OM likely remembers more now than WW, from his emotional reaction to seeing WW again. Men feel pride in their conquests while women are more likely to see their surrenders as regretful and things to be forgotten or denied.

And whatever happened to the concept of radical honesty, I'm sure she would remember if it was only kissing, or other activities, can anyone really forget that they had sex?

God Bless
Gamma

My H remembers very few of the details of his affair that occurred early in our marriage.

And even if the OM does remember, what makes you think he will tell you the truth?

What is it that you think you don't already know about this long-ago relationship that you believe might have an effect on your current marriage?

Writer1,

What is it that you think you don't already know about this long-ago relationship that you believe might have an effect on your current marriage?

She has never even admitted to how sexual it was! Through the years my W has admitted to random facts, greatly pained in doing so, this will need to be resolved.

One of the things my W says about a certain activity is that it is "dangerous" implying that she is worried about giving me HPV and potentially cancer.

God Bless
Gamma

If all you're worried about is catching something, your wife can go to the doctor and be tested for the HPV virus and other STD's. That wouldn't require you to have any contact with the OM whatsoever.

Writer1,

It is a tacit admission of mucus membrane to mucus membrane contact! Of one kind or another.

If I had ever had such contact while married or dating W, I would have quarantined myself from my W and given her the option to discontinue sex and or divorce me.

God Bless
Gamma

I have no idea what this means, but if you've been married to your wife for 20 years, had children with her, and been intimate, it's highly unlikely you're going to catch anything you don't already have.

Writer1,

Well your mucus membranes are the lips, nipples, genitals and anus. This is how almost all STDs are spread or by bodily fluids, and I don't think she drinks them.

God Bless
Gamma

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I'm fairly certain you have probably come into contact with these areas of your wife's body. If you haven't caught something by doing so yet, after 20 years, I'd say you're probably safe. But if you have any doubts, STD testing isn't difficult and is generally reliable.

Writer1,

Yes I have come into contact with those areas, and that statement may indicate that W has had some form of STD risky mm to mm contact perhaps 5 years ago rather than 20 years ago.

She also has just become aware of the long term risks associated with HPV and the fact that there is no test for males.

God Bless
Gamma

Has your wife been tested for HPV and other STD's?

Most cases of HPV clear on their own and cause no long-lasting effects.

Also, if you're concerned, there is a vaccine and it is available to both men and women.

Do you believe this occurred with OM2 within the past 5 years?

Have you and your wife had sex in the past 5 years?

Unless you have reason to believe your wife was with OM2 within the past 5 years, I don't see what this has to do with you recently contacting this OM and taking your wife to see him.

Is your wife onboard with MB?

Do you have passwords to her computer, a key logger, and access to her cell phone?

Writer1,

Most likely what she has I have, I understand the medical aspects, the point is that she is concerned about it. This is something I was never concerned about as I never had contact with anyone else while I was dating my W or married.

HPV is very serious however in that it is being implicated more and more as a cause of cancer, head, neck, mouth throat, etc.

I don't believe she has had contact with OM2 since the time we saw him, before last week, perhaps it was 11? or so years ago.

Yes we have had full sex 2 years ago and in a one way sense continue to have sex, my pleasure only.

God Bless
Gamma

My question is still, what do you hope to gain by contacting the OM after all these years? If you don't have any reason to believe your wife has been in contact with him, why are you opening this Pandora's Box now?

Do you understand the concept of NC for life with former lovers/affair partners?

I did not say or infer that you have coerced your WW for SF.

You have said that your WW will not put out for you. You are not happy that you are not having your need for SF met by your WW. Having your WW Pearl Harbored into meeting the OM is not going to get your WW to open her love bank or open anything else to you.

Stop writing here and write to Dr H.

She is withdrawn, and it's because of how you treat her, not because you don't know enough details of her relationship before you were married.

Stop looking for excuses as for why she isn't performing to your specs, and start paying attention to giving her extraordinary care. Look at yourself.

Writer1,

My question is still, what do you hope to gain by contacting the OM after all these years? If you don't have any reason to believe your wife has been in contact with him, why are you opening this Pandora's Box now?

I wanted W to tell me the truth about what happened prompt her memory, I wanted to see OMs reaction, I wanted to see what OM looked like now, I wanted to gain some information about how to contact OM, most of what I went after I got.

Contacting OM may provide me with the answers my W will not provide, who knows perhaps he has love letters or photos he might part with perhaps for a fee lol.

Do you understand the concept of NC for life with former lovers/affair partners?

Yes, I didn't know what else to do with W as she is shut up tighter than a clam, and as I said before if they fell back in love I had my answer.

Seriously if she gave OM oral does anyone think that could be forgotten???

God Bless
Gamma

So if I understand your theory correctly, uncovering past events in your mind, it is going to have an effect on your current SF with her? Looking up old flames is going to work to you solving your problem??

I have heard Dr. Harley discuss reluctant spouses concerning SF on the radio program several times a month...He does not recommend your tactic. Typically, he gets to the root of how to make the experience ENJOYABLE for the reluctant spouse.

Do you think these things you are doing are making LB deposits? Aren't these things pushing her further away and less likely to want sex?

In your mind is SF your only problem in the M?

Why doesn't she enjoy SF with you? What can you both do together to do it in a way that she enjoys?

This statement makes no sense. Dr. Harley has repeatedly said that NC is recommended because there is ALWAYS a chance that the affair could be rekindled if contact is resumed between the affair partners. So what answer would that give you? It would only tell you that, like every other wayward, your wife is prone to rekindling those feelings if she comes into contact with her affair partner again. But that's already a given for all waywards. You prove nothing by exposing her to that temptation again.

And I have no idea if your wife would remember having oral sex with the OM 20 years ago. What difference would it make at this point now? You know she was involved in a relationship with him before you were married. She chose to end that relationship and spend her life with you. You chose to forgive her actions and marry her anyway.

Why not focus on having a better marriage today?

I can almost guarantee you that your wife's reluctance to have SF with you today has nothing to do with an OM from 20 years ago and everything to do with the fact that she isn't in love with you today because you are committing too many LB's (such as constantly bringing up affairs from the past and exposing her to the OM) and you aren't doing enough to meet her EN's.

You want a solution to your problem? Stop committing LB's, start meeting your wife's needs, and get in the required UA time every week. These actions will do so much more to improve your marriage (and therefore, your sex life) than childish things like arranging a meeting between your wife and a former lover from 20 years ago ever could.