Writer1, it has been 5 years since your PA. So are you saying you do not remember what you and your OM did. How the line was crossed. Why you did not chose to use protection?

I do not want answers. I just want to know if you can not remember these things?

QFT.
EXCELLENT post, writer.

Gamma, you are so messed up.

The reasons you are giving for your latest attempt at recovery are not MB.

The only thing you are doing that is MB is posting on the MB forum.

I wish you could see how you are shooting yourself in the foot, hand, leg, head, everywhere but the recovery target.

Contact Dr Harley.

Have you noticed that everyone posting here are all in agreement.

That what you are doing is wrong.

Quite honestly, I don't think about these things anymore and my H doesn't ask about them either. Our marriage is in recovery and we'd both like to keep it that way. Dwelling on the past does nothing to improve our marriage today.

Oh, I see. You want her to happily give you oral sex. You use all sorts of reasons why she should do it: because it would prove to you that her SF is sincere, that since she did it before she shouldn't have problems with it now, etc. You will try anything, for as long as it takes, that might convince her that that's what she's supposed to do for you until you get your deserved sex act.

How often does your desire for oral sex come up in conversation with your wife?

Have you seen these?

Resentment Type A and Type B
Recovery is not Complete if Resentment Lingers

Are you going to contact Dr. Harley?

LifetimeLearner,

She is withdrawn, and it's because of how you treat her, not because you don't know enough details of her relationship before you were married.

W has said on a number of occasions that she is very happy with our marriage now, this was not true before MB.

I do not treat her poorly. W readily say that I attend to her needs, but she also admits that she often puts me last , this was also true pre-MB.

Oh, I see. You want her to happily give you oral sex. You use all sorts of reasons why she should do it: because it would prove to you that her SF is sincere, that since she did it before she shouldn't have problems with it now, etc. You will try anything, for as long as it takes, that might convince her that that's what she's supposed to do for you until you get your deserved sex act.

I do not guilt or pressure W in any way to do anything not to her liking.

How often does your desire for oral sex come up in conversation with your wife?

About 2 times a year I talk about it seriously with her, although she wants to change the subject very quickly after a short answer. Answers have included it's dangerous because of HPV, I never liked oral, she used to look at porn cartoons when she was young, etc. She has a habit of giving strange and inconsistent answers when she is lying.

God Bless
Gamma

OK....so she is NOT enthusiastic about oral sex right?

I am unclear how her seeing OM and "remembering" if she gave him oral or not would make her enthusiastic about it suddenly?


Seriously, yes you and your FWW have problems, your need for SF is not being met. This stuff she is giving you suddenly about HPV is nonsense, but again has nothing to do with OM and if oral occurred or not.

Has you wife maybe developed an aversion? DO you make sure SF is enjoyable for her? What can you do to meet her needs better? For sure not by badgering her for details about past relationships, or affairs, or by arranging for her to "run into" old flame. Bad plan....all of it.

How much UA time are you guys getting? What about IC? Clearly RH is NOT being followed here. Why are you and your wife having communication problems?

Gamma,

Have you and your wife filled out the EN questionnaire lately? What are your wife's top EN's?

How much UA time do you get every week?

If your wife has made it clear that she isn't comfortable performing oral sex, why do you continue to bring it up? Continuing to bring up something that she has made it clear she does not want to do is in fact a form of pressure.

On the contrary, you are very disrespectful.
And taking her on a surprise meetup with OM was the height of disrespect.

Dear Gamma, you ARE guilting/pressuring your wife.

I understand your frustration, but this (obviously) does not work. She does not want it, you keep on asking for it.

Continuing to ask for it is a major LB. I can't imagine her being in love with you any longer, it would built such resentment to keep on asking for it 2x a year.

Tisme,

OK....so she is NOT enthusiastic about oral sex right?

That's correct her enthusiasm ended around the time of OM2 along with her enthusiasm for kissing.

I am unclear how her seeing OM and "remembering" if she gave him oral or not would make her enthusiastic about it suddenly?

I don't believe it will make her want oral, but this is first about establishing a baseline of historical honesty. I've gone without oral for about a decade I suppose, and before that 20+ years without the faintest desire from W for it. If oral was the determining factor in my marriage I would have divorced or perhaps cheated a long time ago.

And in some ways honesty is the ultimate just compensation isn't it?

God Bless
Gamma

Pineneedle,

Dear Gamma, you ARE guilting/pressuring your wife.

I understand your frustration, but this (obviously) does not work. She does not want it, you keep on asking for it.

Continuing to ask for it is a major LB. I can't imagine her being in love with you any longer, it would built such resentment to keep on asking for it 2x a year.

Actually I don't ask for it, I ask why she does not want to give it, there is a great difference. The answers vary over time, but that is usually true of someone who wishes to blunt the truth.

God Bless
Gamma

That is a disrespectful judgement of your wife to say she is trying to blunt the truth.

Yeah, it might serve her better if she stuck with the answer of she doesn't want to every time you asked, but it hasn't stopped you from asking, so she tried something else. Is "no" an option for her? Is there an answer she could give you that would finally stop you from asking it again while also accepting a "no?"

I still think you would greatly benefit from talking with Dr. Harley. Will you email him?

Why would you continue to ask your wife why she doesn't want to do something? What difference does it make? The reason she doesn't want to do it is because she doesn't.

It would be a huge LB for me if my H continuously badgered me for years as to why I didn't feel comfortable performing a specific sexual act.

Instead of focusing on the past, and on what your wife doesn't want to do, why don't you focus on the present and find things to do that will be mutually enjoyable?

Dear Gamma:

Following your thread with interest, as it reflects issues/feelings I have -

My husband shared activities with OW he has never shared with me. He went out with one of them with friends. I have never met these friends. He rarely sees these friends socially anymore, so meeting them is pointless, but it irks me that the OW got to go out in a group (H was "proud" to be seen with her, because of her appearance) and I never did.

With another OW, he went into a large city with her for work purposes and spontaneously took a tour of a TV station and had lunch at a (relatively) expensive restaurant. This was during a 10-year period where we only went out to eat once a year and he would not spring for a take-out pizza from the local pizzeria on a Friday night. We do eat out quite a bit now, but finding that receipt years ago was a slap in the face.

And finally (this one bothers me the most), he would invite his last OW out to have a drink and sit and talk with her over a glass of wine. He'd also share a bottle of wine with her at dinner.

I'd like to do this, too, but my husband is not enthusiastic. Yes, there are things we enjoy doing together, but I want to do this PARTICULAR thing BECAUSE he did it with OW. I would like memories of us to replace memories of the OW.

He does NOT want to BECAUSE he did it with the OW. Things we do together are in a "box" of things we do; things he did with the OW are in a "box" of things he did with her.

So, can I replace the memories? No. Can I bring up the topic? No. He stated he's not enthusiastic and then I'm "bringing up the past."

I want him to ENJOY doing THIS ONE PARTICULAR THING with me, but he WILL NOT.

Sucks.

Gamma, I understand the protests on your thread, but, I GET IT.

BV (not recovered; no MB endorsement of the statements above implied or even likely)

Interesting.


I could make the same complaints... before infidelity ever entered the picture.

The problem was, we hadn't focused on being each other's favorite recreational companions. Instead, a lot of activities with friends and/or family members occurred.

True, but when the favorite recreational companion is also the favorite sexual and romantic companion, puts a whole 'nother spin on it, doesn't it?

I apologize for the thread-jack -

BV

Not really, because you can make your spouse all of those things if you work the program.

Sorry - last one -

I think I'd have recovered my marriage if my H's favorite recreational companion was his brother and his favorite recreation activity was a sport instead of an OW and sex....

BV (REALLY stopping now....)