I have tried every budget known to man. I have sat down with her on many occasions and talked a budget. I even gone to strictly cash. Nothing changed.

We have no extra money for a fun budget. I don't even eat lunch most days because I know we need the money somewhere else. ( I have packed my lunch on occasion but I usually forget it)

The AOs are not a problem that she is causing for you. They are a problem that you are causing for her. If you are wanting to use this program to turn your marriage around, eliminating the angry outbursts is going to be one of the most important steps.

The problem is not that you need a new budget. The problem is that you and your wife need to learn to negotiate problems together (including the budget).

Well, the question is - does his wife find a demand in what he said? If she does, then all the proof in the world that it is not a demand won't matter. He'll need to learn to address the issue in a way she does not find demanding.


There's actually a crucial difference:

Screaming = doing something
Not talking = doing nothing

Really to get a marriage out of abuse and back into a healthy situation, both husband and wife have to start giving each other the option to do nothing, the option to decline requests. If she does not feel safe to talk at the moment, then he needs to make sure he doesn't pressure her to talk.

I would love it if she were willing to come here and give us her take on the situation. I know she's probably not willing to do that at the moment. So was Prisca for a lot of the time.


No problem even if you are. I have been wrong before, and I will be wrong again. I am here to learn, same as everybody else, and I welcome correction (with Dr. Harley as the standard, of course). I do think there is a crucial distinction between doing something, and doing nothing. If a wife does not feel safe to talk, I think the first thing her husband needs to do is to not demand that she talk, because demands will just make the situation worse.

(And I got quite a lecture from Dr. Harley a few years back about how my "I'm disappointed you are not ..." talks to Prisca were making her feel.)

To get this back, you are probably going to have to be the pump primer. She probably cannot and will not do that.

A word about the phrase "silent treatment": I consider this phrase to be a disrespectful judgment. It imputes a motive to someone's silence, and really you can't read your wife's mind.

I know that the one time I remember Prisca posting here about me refusing to speak to her, people said a lot of things about how I was doing it to "punish" her, and I took issue with that and still do.

Instead of trying to make her seem like it's wrong of her not to talk, offer her an incentive to talk. Find circumstances that make her enthusiastic about talking.

I have always felt my wife tries to punish me when I screw up. She has always been very slow to forgive me. Without exaggerating too much, she has only said she is sorry a handful of times.

Punishment can certainly be a motive... however, silence is - for some - restraint.

Silence is always going to be the better alternative to an Angry Outburst, Disrespectful Judgement, or Selfish Demand.

Of course, you also can't expect to just stay silent forever. Especially in the face of a marital complaint - "do nothing" is the solution only temporarily, and eventually some enthusiastic agreement must be reached. It just doesn't have to be immediate, nor when one spouse is overcome with emotion.

Does your wife feel safe enough to talk?

If you have AOs, she doesn't feel safe.

What is your plan to clean up your side of the street?

I MUST stop all AO. I have come a long way in the past few years. I try my best to not raise my voice and I have been trying to express myself without using DJ and demands.

Reread Love Busters, especially the chapters on AOs and DJs.

Also listen to these clips.
Anger Management 101

I will do that.

I agree with this. There was no demand, here. He was being honest about his need and she chose to rebuff that honesty. Dr. Harley's concepts underscore the need for complete honesty in a marriage. He told the truth - she walked away.

He said it hurts him when she won't talk to him, not when she walks away.

Until emotions calm, it's probably better that she walks away.

I'm sorry - I missed where there were high emotions involved. It appears to me that she is just shutting him out. Correct me if I'm wrong.

He says it's been several days since she stopped speaking to him, but usually they are cuddly, usually she's affectionate. It seems they had an interaction a few days ago that may have really hurt her and perhaps he hasn't addressed his part by first apologizing (perhaps for disrespect and anger) and then reapproaching her with better behavior showing a partnering attitude.

Even if she is "just shutting him out" the solution isn't to point out how she is wrong, but to figure out what prompts her to do so and change it.

I did apologize for what I had done. I had called her while she was out with a friend and asked her why she was not sticking to the plan and budget we had agreed upon on her outing. I should not have called her while she was out and waited to discuss when she got home. My wife has always told me that apologies mean nothing to her. She has said this since we were 1st married.

I am getting very short sentences now. After being gone shopping for 12 hours, my wife returned and was upset with me for still being up. I had actually fallen asleep on the couch and just woke up as she got home. I was going to help her unload the groceries but was quickly informed that she did not buy any.

Then I was accused of being mean to her dog since it was acting strange. I had not been.

Once our daughter had left our bed and went to her own, I finally went to sleep around 3:00.

Our daughter came back to our bed around 5 since it was storming here and she was scared. This forced my wife to move closer to me in our bed. I took this opportunity to place my hand on her hip. It was not rejected, but that may be due to my daughter being there.

jaw, I've got to say it's a bit of a red flag for me that she was out with a friend and upset with you merely for being on the couch and didn't actually buy anything. Do you know for sure who she was with, and what the extent of her relationship is with this person?

I've been there, friend. My wife and I eventually resolved our problems and built a very happy marriage without much "I'm sorry" from her. And even I don't apologize as much or dwell on mistakes of the past or present as much any more. We have learned to resolve our conflicts in a way that makes us both happy and, thankfully, there's not near as much for either of us to be sorry for any more!


The problem with most apologies is that nothing changes. This is one reason why apologies don't mean much to some people.

It is good to hear you commit to eliminating angry outbursts. When she sees change - this will mean more than any apology in the world.

On both occasions she was with my daughter.