1) Did you paint the ugliest picture of divorce possible, where you will never directly see or speak to her ever again?

2) Did you include in your reconciliation plan that you would provide a Loving, Caring, Romantic marriage?

3) Don't compare yourself w/ the OM. He's a bottom feeder.

I'm sorry, I guess I misunderstood. I THOUGHT you said you and she were married. Part of THAT commitment is protecting one's spouse and family from harm - even if, through emotional irrationality, that harm would loom as self-inflicted!

Is planning a life on THIS basis the optimum for the mother of your children?

...he's some bum 30 year old guy living in his parents' basement who apparently has a way with women.

To say NOTHING of the fact that divorce would deny you the pleasures and comfort of marriage, and your children the optimal nuclear family, forever!

Now is the time to unsheathe the sword, friend! There is no point in asking a drunk if she wants to sober up, or keep drinking! You are the only sentient partner in your marriage right now, and letting her, in her over-emotional, overwrought, shame-dominated state, CHOOSE to continue on a path to drive your union onto the rocks is abdicating your responsibility.

SHE GETS NO CHOICE, GOT IT! At least in your communications, your only position is "Pius does not speak divorce; Pius only speaks repair and recovery of our marriage, for the welfare of our joint children!" Speaking "Well, maybe..." about dissolution gives her the impression that she will NOT be ripping your soul apart.

Marriage, as it was intended to be (and for an icon, let's just refer to it as MB-consistent), is your only goal right now. Make sure she understands that. You have to tread the difficult line convincing her that you very much desire to remain married to her, BUT DO NOT HAVE TO!

Tell us about your domestic situation:

- Is she employed?
- Do you and she share financial accounts?
- Are you home-owners?
- In whose name are the vehicles titled?
- Besides yourself, who is the biggest influence on her?

You are going to use every bit of leverage to pry her back onto the path from which she has strayed. Strap up and get ready to FIGHT!

I am obviously praying for reconciliation, but I simply can't force that on her. She has already seen a lawyer and has divorce papers prepared, although she hasn't signed them yet. I have done complete exposure and she is under pressure from family and friends, so I have used this leverage. Also by asking her to pray with me I'm hoping she will open her heart to the Lord. However at this point, I think her character is so flawed that I might not mind it too much if we divorce under terms that are favorable to me. She has broken me, destroyed me. I will take her back if she wants but I will not drag her back. If she is determined to go to the 30 year old bum, she can have him.

She is not currently employed. One of my "divorce conditions" is that she get a fulltime job so she can see what it's like to earn a living.

We do share financial accounts. I asked her to voluntarily surrender the bank cards for these unless/until she is willing to try to reconcile. She agreed.

We are homeowners. One of my divorce conditions is that I get the house.

One vehicle is titled to both of us, the other to just me.

Her biggest influence - wow - tough to say. Could be the POSOM himself, could be one of several friends. Some of her friends are good influences, some are not.

She has already seen a lawyer and has divorce papers prepared, although she hasn't signed them yet. You should not discuss/acknowledge these "preparations". ("Pius does not talk divorce....")

...my "divorce conditions" is that she get a fulltime job...that I get the house. Oh, my innocent, na�ve friend - if it comes to that, you and she will find out exactly how the scumbucket lawyers and the moronic judges will treat your "conditions"!

Some of her friends are good influences... Get to them. Explain what has happened. Tell them you want to save your marriage. Ask for their help.

Now, start on you. Get to the gym. Make sure you're eating/sleeping habits are well-grounded. Be very careful with alcohol; if you do need some help, consider getting a scrip for some mild ADs. Start thinking of this as a job. You are not a free agent to say, "Sure sweetie, leave if you want!" Sorry, that is irresponsible and cowardly.

MB does not well support "Surrender". No one here subscribes to the motto, "When the going gets tough, bail!" You'll note that the name of the program is Marriage Builders! Sadly, in cases like yours and mine that must be extended to Marriage ReBuilders, but settling for (easy) divorce is not the stock-in-trade of the folks here.

NeverGuessed you are really tough! I have asked for help from some of her friends.

As far as surrender, I hear your point. I believe marriage is for life and am willing to fight for it. But as you can tell from my background, I've been fighting for this marriage as hard as I can for seven months now. I'm getting a little weary, I must confess. Things keep getting worse and worse. Me and the kids are going away for a week next week and I'm sure my wife is going to see the OM. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Pius,

You only just found out about her affair a few short days ago. Of course things are getting worse. They're bound to get even harder ... now that you know part of what's been going on!

You haven't lead the horse to water yet. You've only put a bug in her ear. Time you grabbed her reins and dragged her back.

You've been fighting for your marriage for 7 months unfortunately the wrong way. She's been wayward for over a year ! I understand you are weary. but you said marriage is for life and you are willing to fight. So ...??????

How about you listen to what people are telling you here and implement the strategies they provide? Your W is on a crash course to disaster and it is your job to right the ship. She isn't herself. She's in an A fog. She's gonna crash with this loser POSOM!!!

Think of a positive end goal. You bust up this affair. You and her work together to recover this M and restore your romantic feelings towards each other.

... and then one day she comes to you and thanks you from the bottom of her heart for making the hard choice and doing the hard work of dragging her back to reality.

Pius, Mr Alias made most of the points I was going to address, but I do have one other thought:

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Okay, staying with equine hydration, how about this:

You can't force a horse to drink, but you sure as hell can prevent it from accessing the poisoned well!

In that vein,

...marriage is for life and am willing to fight for it...

does not align with

Me and the kids are going away for a week next week and I'm sure my wife is going to see the OM.

How in blazes next week are you going to answer the question from your child, "I wonder what Mommy is doing now?", when the answer occurring to you is something....disgusting?

Your presentation of her reaction and preparation is beginning to set off alarm bells in another arena as well, Pius. I would HEAVILY suspect that part of POSOM's attraction has a pharmaceutical basis as well. Until you can incontrovertibly rule that out, look for any evidence of that factor.

This trip away that the kids and I are doing is something we've been looking forward to for a long time. We are going to a beach house with my parents. I would really be loathe to call it off. Besides my wife could still see POSOM even when I'm home. I do work during the day. However I've been thinking about using some snooping measures when I'm gone just to make sure.

Elaborate more on the pharmaceutical stuff. Are you suggesting they are getting high or something? I do know she drinks a lot so that is going on. It wouldn't amaze me if they were smoking weed or something also.

Besides my wife could still see POSOM...

Really? Even after you assume complete control of the one dually-titled vehicle, and remove the plates from the one registered solely to you? Even after you have transferred all funds from your joint accounts to one to which you have sole access? (This also reduces her ability to pre-pay her scumbucket divorce lawyer. Ahhh, serendipity!) Even after you do what must be done, and decline to join your parents while WW has a seven-day sexual bacchanalia with POSOM? Even after, instead, you stay home and involve/entice WW to participate in family-centric activities?

While we're in the general area, it should be pointed out that doing the EASY things are not where you'll likely need encouragement, but being easy, will gather you little/no purchase with WW. It is the DIFFICULT things (those that you would be loathe to consider) that, when addressed, yield the best return.

And yes, there is a high likelihood that POSOM and WW have been drunk, high, or stoned together. A thirty-year-old crashing in his parent's basement spells "substance abuser".

Loathed by who?

Your parents wouldn�t understand that you need to stay home to save your M? That they�d feel fun on the beach is more important than your M?

Your kids? They�d be better off spending time on a beach with Dad then Dad staying home doing what he can to save his M? They may hate you in the immediate but long term if it saves their family they�d be thrilled.

Pius, sometimes you just have to make the hard choices. You just found out about this clown and the affair. Time for some drastic measures to knock this affair off its tracks.

Imagine what would happen to her plans if you stayed home. I would highly recommend doing so and having the kids come up with some great things they�d love to do � that included their mother. Apply the pressure. Stop letting her saunter around with the POSOM.

Let's hope he's only a substance abuser seeing he's going to be spending a lot of time with Pius's children.

Pius I'd be freaking out and doing whatever I could to keep this guy away from my kids. I'd be doing background checks, etc. Finding a good lawyer to ensure this guy with a potential criminal past never sees my kids for even 5 seconds.

You guys have given me a lot to think about. I will have to consider my options carefully.

I will have to consider my options carefully.

Yes, and that is why we're here - to present eventualities that, by virtue of our tenure here, we have seen, that you would have not.

Whom did you expose to on OM's side?

To his parents? Siblings? Family? Friends?

I don't know many people on his side. My wife told his sister, who she is friends with. I told the OM's father and asked that he not allow his house to be a venue for this behavior. I asked him that he no longer welcome my wife into his house, and he agreed to respect my wishes on this.

I told the OM's father...

Good! Now call him back to re-thank him for his aid, and use the opportunity to ask who else (friends, aunts, cousins) should be informed of POSOM's destructive actions directed at your marriage?

Another question. I believe Dr. Harley recommends that the BS found out the exact mechanics of the affair - how it took place, when it took place, where it took place, etc. However as it is I am having revolting thoughts about it that disturb me to the core of my being to the point where I can't sleep. I fear that if I know more details they may literally have to commit me. Is it really necessary to know these things?

You should know the conditions that to the affair, the time frame it took place, where it took place, with whom it took place, others who knew of the affair but didn't tell you, and anything else you want to know. You don't have to know each and every gory sex detail if you don't want to.

That's a tough call Pius.

Let's assume you're going to try to recover your M.

The problem is if you don't know everything you will continue to hear trickle truths and each time it will hurt and you may be set back to how you felt Dday 1.

Get it all out there so you are never surprised and hurt somewhere down the road. The goal afterward is to set EPs so the things that made the A possible are eliminated and to never look back. Move forward building the M instead of dwelling on past mistakes.

This type of confession from the WS is cleansing for them too. Time to come clean and show how honest they're going to be.

You should know the conditions that allowed the affair. How they carried it out so you can make sure EPs are put in place. Where they carried on the affair.

Each BS knows what they can handle and so what details and how much in detail you want to know is up to you.

The WS needs to answer all questions about the affair the BS has and get it all out in one sitting and then never talk about it again.