The first thing I told my wife when I found out about her affair was that she could expect me to fight for her. Now, she looks back on that as the best thing I could have said at that moment. Women expect men to show strength in defense of a M. They won't like the interference in their A at the time, because it disrupts the fantasy. But in the long run, it will be credited to you as proof of your love and commitment to the M.

Please listen to the experience of the vets on here.

No one has ever saved their marriage by sitting back and doing nothing. Waywards never magically change their mind. It always requires a fight from the BS.

Particularly with WWs. Wome dont want a man who will not fight for them. They all push their BHs away, but as soon as he gives her 'space' she cries to anyone who will listen how passive he is, how little he cares.

You've said that she wants space.
Well of course she wants space. Every wayward since time began has wanted space. It's not pleasant to defraud and rob someone while having to look at their face. She wants to avoid the guilt of looking at you, to convince herself you dont care, but her guilt is your best friend. Don't let her scare you into walking on eggshells, for goodness sake.



Hope is not a plan. God expects us to tend our own lives, just as we do our own gardens. Please use Dr Harleys advice for dealing with an OM. Expose, use the legal system, confront.

It's easy to run off a POSOM and neglecting to do so will hurt your family at a very great cost.

Your wife will not help, so stop 'hoping' for that.

Pius,

I am quite certain you are not being a coward. You are doing what most betrayed spouses do. They try to avoid conflict with their partners. The assumption is you can�t be in conflict with them and expect to entice them back. We�re programmed to believe conflict means arguments, AOs, DJs, etc. Chaos. How can that possibly save your M?

But what you haven�t experienced is what happens in the case of infidelity when you go against what feels intuitive. I�ve seen countless stories like yours where the Betrayed was simply stymied on what to do and when they�ve listened to the posters and put into action the things they were told to do it made a difference.

I�d like to see you either recover this M or watch it dissolve with your head held high. Along the way you will learn some very healthy marital behaviors and those will stay with you forever. I�d like to see you get started doing this. The first step is for you to expose this affair far and wide. If you�re ready to do that get a plan together using these helpful people�s advice.

You will love the strength you get when you fight for your M. When you show her you have always been committed to the M and that you�ll do what it takes to protect it, you, her and the family. Your children will thank you for your efforts to save their family.

Let�s not go down without a fight.

Quotes from a movie where God is portrayed:


Pius, I hope you take advantage of the opportunities you are being provided.

Markos, I have read a lot of your suggestions. It's not as if I haven't done anything. The affair is completely exposed on my wife's side. On the OM's side, both his sister and his father know. There is one other sister of the OM who I can tell as well.

I have also told my older two children. I haven't told the younger two yet, and we also have one child under two. I've been dreading the conversation with the younger ones but it will be coming soon.

What should I say to the OM? I wrote him a short email the day I found out but I don't think it was forceful enough.

I may need to get on antidepressants and medicine to help me sleep. When I get home I'll probably make an appointment.

Excellent. I think this will help a lot.


Call him or go see him in person. Tell him you are still married, have no intention of leaving or divorcing your wife, and tell him to stay away from your wife and your children. Tell him your children will hate him forever for stealing their mother from the family. Tell him that it will never work out between him and your wife. Suggest that there will be dire legal consequences if he does not get away from your wife. Tell him that if your marriage ends up going to divorce, he will be hauled on the stand as a witness and questioned publicly about his infidelity. Infidels HATE that!!! They hate public exposure! If your state allows you to sue for alienation of affection, tell him that you will be doing that.

Listen to that "I encourage husbands to confront the other man" link BrainHurts posted.

Leave the OM with this impression:


(That said, leave your rifle at home. We're not encouraging you to make physical threats of violence, here. But OM should know that his life will be hell on earth if he does not vacate his relationship with your wife YESTERDAY.)

Listen to the radio show today, friend. I often find that God arranges it so that I hear just what I need to hear at the right time.

Yes, you have done great!!! The important thing is to not sit back into inaction at this point.

Every day that goes by, the affair becomes more entrenched.

Exposure is supposed to happen all at once, to everybody, to as many people as possible. If it happens as several little exposures, it loses its effect.


Tell her!

Don't send the man an email.

Show up on his doorstep.

Show up at his work and embarrass him in front of his coworkers and boss.

By the way, does he work with your wife? How do they know each other?

The radio show is really easy to fit into your day. It is replayed continuously all day long, and there are smartphone apps that make it easy to listen to while on the go.

Please listen to Alias.

I strongly suggest you call doctor now.

As Catholics, We pray to God to send the Holy Spirit to us to give us strength. I am not going to say that meds=HolySpirirt, but I think they could relieve some of the hurt/pain/anger to allow yourself to be more open to the Holy Spirit.

This is kind of like the joke where a man prays and prays to win the lottery for years. He ask God "Why won't you help me win the lottery?" And God says "You need to buy a ticket first."

I've been praying for you and your family. And I hate to see you being this much pain for this long.

Call your doctor now.
Take a break step away from your desk now or call at lunch.
Explain your situation (that you need to be strong for your kids and to save your wife from her miserable life ahead of her), maybe they can call a couple days worth of a prescription until they can see you.

Did you listen to the clips in this?

heldback,

Start a thread in MB101, and let's see if we can get started helping you and your wife. I will be unavailable for awhile later today but hopefully will get a chance to see and respond tonight if not sooner.

The first thing I told my wife when I found out about her affair was that she could expect me to fight for her.

All of us recovered FBHs did the same thing, in various ways. Fighting for good is necessary, when evil is present.

There are tactics and tools that have been presented to you, Pius, but we out here can neither utilize nor implement them.

You modestly referenced being afraid. Ask yourself this, "What steps would you take if you were not afraid?" Write them down.

Then do one......

Thanks for the advice. Fear is just one of the many emotions I feel. There is also some ambivalence. This woman who was the closest person to me out of any other in the world basically stopped loving me, betrayed me, neglected me and wants to divorce me. A part of me wants to say "don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out." She has hurt me so badly I may never get over this.

You WILL get through this...

.....IF you follow the MB plan.

NG is spot-on.

Early on for me, when I was a cowering BH, wanting to fight for my W, but too shellshocked and afraid, Marital would ask me:

"HFD, what would you do if you were NOT afraid?"

And when I answered, she said:

"Then go do it."

The "it" saved my W, and my maarriage.


You can do this!

Get your wife back, Pius.

According to Dr. Harley's research, the pain of an affair is, for most people, the most traumatic thing they could possibly face. Nobody would fault you for separating from her. Not us, not Dr. Harley. Not even Christ Himself, if I read His word correctly.

That said, there are your children to consider. What is going to happen to them if you separate? Will you be able to get custody of them? Will they be exposed to the OM? What is going to happen to them if they grow up with your presence in their lives greatly reduced. When my mother had her affair I was able to work it out so that I was able to stay with my dad, but many children are not nearly so lucky.

I would implore you to fight this affair and try to disrupt it to the greatest extent possible. Your children will be much better off, even in the event of divorce, if OM has been sent fleeing in panic.

I don't think I can emphasize this enough: children who live in a home with their mother and a boyfriend are much much more likely to end up molested or end up the victims of domestic violence than children who live with their married mother and father. Do you have any daughters? One of our posters here used to emphasize that you ought to teach them how to block their bedroom door so that it cannot be accessed from the outside.

There is a good chance that when this affair dies a natural death your wife will want to return to you. You will still be well within your rights to say no to her if you wish, and we would all support you in that. But know that people can and do recover from the unholy trauma of an affair. I would encourage you to check out the successful recovery plan that Dr. Harley offers, first.

Get those anti-depressants, Pius. They will help you think long term about making the best decision you can make.

Did you listen, Pius? It's not a rhetorical question.