Group hug, ladies! All together now!

You ladies are awesome.

Thanks for the hugs!

Thanks markos. I'll talk to Ship about it.

We just got back from a week long trip to the Caribbean with Ship's family (4 siblings and their families & his mom).

Everyone seemed to have a good time, and I enjoyed it. It's just that old habits die hard.

Our older 2 children are pretty self-sufficient. But the 3 year old and 7 month old are a different story. I'm not able to go snorkeling and stuff at the drop of a hat.

There are naps and lots of feedings, and throw in there that the water is dangerous to ingest...I was on high alert being mommy, ya know?

Ship seemed unhappy being there with me sometimes when I was just at the pool with the little ones. He wanted to go do other stuff. I wanted to POJA, but he just sat there unhappy (sacrificing) instead of doing the work of POJA.

Instead of letting him experience the consequences of not doing the POJA, I just got tired. I made sure he was able to go snorkeling with his family while I stayed with the little ones.

Not an enthusiastic agreement by far.

We have much to work on.

Both of you are going to have to stop sacrificing.
And he has no reason to negotiate if he knows you will just eventually give in and give him what he wants at your expense.

The default of POJA, btw, would have left you two in your hotel room. You would not have gone to the pool with the little ones, and he would not have gone snorkeling.

Don't you just hate the sacrificing and passive aggressive pouting that follows?

Time to change the dynamic.

POJA every little thing. Do your part to ensure you do. Don't wait for him.

Prisca makes a very good point, here.

I would not schedule any more trips like this, because it interfered with your time together. You may have to take some of the activities you did before and put them on hold or drop them entirely, while you are RECOVERING. Don't let life just go on and disrupt the work that needs to be done. The marriage work needs to be top priority.

Has there been a UA schedule every week since the last time you posted to us? Has it been time spent alone without children? And has it been the BEST part of your week?

I realized this after I had done it. I'm a get-er-done kind of woman, and I try to solve problems quickly. Even at my own expense.

I've been trying to POJA on my side, and it hasn't been going too well.

I agree. I haven't come back because I haven't wanted to face how things are going.

I agree that the marriage is top priority.

Little to no UA time since the last time I posted.

I am tired of making this stuff happen myself. I've told him over and over and over how unhappy I am and I've complained about his DJs so he'd know what hurts me. When it comes down to it, it's just not happening. I can't assume he doesn't want to do it, but I can say that he isn't making sure he does it on his end.

I'm just flat tired of trying to make it happen on mine.

I have reversed into the poor excuse of a wife I've been in the past. Lots and lots of DJs and AOs.

I'm tired of hurting, tired of asking Ship to show me care in the way I need him to, tired of hurting.

We are selling our house to get a handle on our finances, and I'm scared. I'm scared we are going to fall apart. I asked him to do the online course with me when we sell, and he flat said he wasn't interested. He doesn't think his side of the story is received on this forum, and he doesn't feel that Dr. H (or this forum) care about whether or not his needs get met.

I look at his parents' relationship, and I am absolutely terrified. We are headed down the same path unless something changes. I told Ship that if things don't change I WILL end up hating him. I don't want that to happen. I asked him if he had other ideas for marriage programs we could use...told him I'm up for it. But he doesn't.

Today I finally broke down in my closet and bawled my eyes out. There are no words for the pain I'm feeling. I've thought about suicide for most of the day, but I don't really think I could ever do it because I love my kids, and I don't want to do that to the people who love me.

But it sure would be easier for me.

**Edit: okay I keep wanting to come back in this post and take out the suicide talk. It seems so dramatic, but I also want to be O&H. If someone just thinks about it, or hurting themselves, that doesn't mean it's serious, right? Just want relief!

Anointed - please call for help. Immediately.

Anointed, you have gone far, far past the time that Dr. Harley recommends a woman go to try to restore her marriage unilaterally. It is affecting your health: emotionally and physically. It is extremely hard on most women to try to make a marriage work without reciprocation.

Your children need you intact and in one piece. It is vital that, without talking to your husband, you begin preparing for a separation to protect your emotional and physical health, so that you will be able to continue to give your children the care they need.

Can you contact a women's shelter in your area? They could probably help you arrange a separation in the most prompt way possible. I think that might definitely be the way to go.

As long as you continue to try to do this yourself, it is going to continue to take a horrendous toll on you, and there is not much you left to take a horrendous toll on.

Please Annointed call and get help immediately.

I knew I shouldn't have been so dramatic. I don't want my marriage to end.

Ship feels that he has been trying and that his efforts are not being noticed.

I do believe he loves me. He wasn't brought up in a caring home. I'd love it if he would just trust me about what is caring and what isn't.

Anointed, you cannot maintain your marriage by yourself. Trying to do so is taking a terrible toll on you.

Separation is not the end of a marriage. It is more like suspended animation. You husband can choose to keep it going at that point if he wants. It's the same choice he faces now. But simply waiting forever for him to make that choice will destroy a woman. You need to protect yourself from this. You need to start recovering now, with or without him, while he decides whether or not to keep your marriage going or not.

The choice is in your hands.

Please get help and protect yourself.

I listed all the things to do above. He's done none of it.

Trying doesn't count when you've got a todo list and you do nothing on it and try to do other things.


This "love" is going to wreck your children's lives. They need a mother who is emotionally whole.

What you are going through is taking a terrible toll on you, Anointed.


Remember everything we said about how you cannot control the choices he makes? That is a choice he needs to make on his own. Meanwhile, you need to protect yourself.

It is that dramatic, Anointed. It is that serious. Can you see what this is doing to your emotional health? You are unhappy because you are waiting around for him to make his decision instead of putting yourself into a protective bubble. Most women can't wait more than three weeks for their husbands to make this decision. You have waited years, and you are headed for hospitalization and post traumatic stress disorder.

You feel dramatic because it is this important, Anointed.

Please - you need to arrange a RAPID separation. CALL YOUR FAMILY. Please tell them you need help. Please go to a family member to stay. Separate tonight if possible. GET HELP.

You will feel so much better when you are protected from this emotional turmoil, Anointed. He will still be perfectly capable of deciding to save your marriage.

The choice is in his hands, Anointed. Nothing you do can make him choose. You need to get help and get out because he has not chosen yet and is still arguing and shows no signs of choosing your marriage.