He doesn't need to try. He just needs to do all this stuff. He's chosen not to do it.

It doesn't matter if you hold a debate with him about whether he should do it or not. It doesn't matter if you hold a debate with him about whether this stuff is necessary for love or not.

All that matters is, without this stuff, you cannot continue. It is just going to be too painful for you.

And debating him about it is only going to be more painful for you. Let him debate that by himself in an empty room. YOU need to be somewhere safe, where you can't hear him waffle about it.

Him protesting that he is "trying" when he has simply refused to do all these things is going to be too painful for you to continue to endure. Him protesting that you should accept "trying" instead of simply following this todo list is going to be too painful for you to continue to endure.

Anointed, I could not possibly be more worried for you. It is long past time for Plan B. Until the answer to the above questions is "yes," you need to be protected.

You need defenders and advocates fast. You need to expose this just as much as you needed to expose your husband's affair. Please don't wait another ten years. Call your family TONIGHT and ask them to come get you.

He's not trying to schedule UA time. He's not trying to find out what he does that you find disrespectful and find alternatives to it.

All he's trying to do is get you to decide these things aren't necessary. But they are necessary. Women suffer serious emotional problems without it.

Which is what is happening to you now. That is why you are going into the closet and crying.

Nobody is suggesting that you end your marriage. What you need to do is go separate yourself from this emotional trauma. Most women have no idea just what this kind of thing is doing to them until they have been away from it for awhile.

You need to build a safe place to wait for him. You can wait for the rest of your life if you choose. But you need to wait for him to make a decision that you cannot make him make.

Hear, hear to what Markos said.

Anointed, please post to us today and let us know how you are doing.

Yes, I'm concerned about you Anointed ...

Me 3..

Please tell us you're ok.

Sorry. I'm ok.

Just thinking everything over.

I'm scared for myself and my family. I need some permanent changes.

So I told Ship about how dark my thoughts have been and he seemed genuinely concerned. We have come a long way because years and years ago I had these thoughts, and when I told him his response was, "be sure you do it right. I don't want an invalid on my hands." Something like that. He was in the trenches of an affair and I think he was trying to shock me out of it in his fear.

Either way, those words echoed in my mind over and over yesterday. If I'm going to do it, I better do it right.

Sorry y'all. So dark.

There have been some very uncaring things he has done. And some very caring things. Just don't want to debate anymore about what I need.

Ship asked what he could do, and I said "understand." I just can't keep having this conversation anymore.

Do it. Or don't.

Put me out of my misery.

Anointed, you can't make him understand. And you are right, you can't have this debate any more. Don't debate it.

Please follow my suggestions. I am doing the very best I can to tell you just what I think Dr. Harley would tell you.

Remember the value of exposure. Go to your family and expose to them that you can't take this any more and you need help.

I am truly thinking it over markos. Thank you all for caring. You don't have to do what you do on this forum.

I've talked with my brother and my real estate agent (our aunt) since she needs to know that some plans are in the air.

I don't have any energy, desire, or drive. I just don't care.

Anointed, get help NOW. Call a womens shelter, call your church, call someone. Get help. These thoughts you are having are dangerous.

You need to leave Ship. You have been in Plan A with him for FAR too long and it is affecting your health. It doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but you cannot continue down the road you are going.

For the sake of your children, get out.

Something Ship seems to struggle with:

A complaint does not reflect WHO he is as a person.

A complaint addresses an ACTION.

He has a hard time separating the two. Hard to get help that way.

I'm listening. Just hard to wrap my mind around anything right now.

Anointed,

Can you leave and go stay with some family and get the help you need? Now? Today?

I have some things I need to do around the house so that it's ready to go on the market.

Ship says he wants to go through the book LoveBusters with me. I told him that I don't want to have to initiate it.

If he's willing to do that and actually sticks with it, does that mean anything?

Anointed,

It's time for you to focus on you. Trying to figure out why he gets so hurt when you let him know the things he does that hurt you is his job. He understands what you need. He knows how to do it. It's time for him to take care of his own fragile ego, because it's exhausting and draining you to coddle it for him. When I say draining, I mean literally draining your life from you.

I told Ship last night that I was dying. I could feel it deep down inside. It's true what you say.

I kinda feel like I'd rather stay too long and die than leave too soon and make a huge mistake.

I'd rather take it on myself than hurt anybody.

I don't know - does it mean anything to you? I think that maybe he can go through it on his own right now. He doesn't need you to read it, too, to decide to get a handle on his Love busters. This is his change that he needs to make whether you separate a little while or not. That's part of what separation is about: can he demonstrate this change over an extended period of time, and all the while you aren't getting drained by accidents.

I have slipped back into some very bad habits. AOs and DJs.

Shouldn't we do this together?

I just don't want Ship to feel like it's all on him. I have my part that I need to do.

I'm sooooo interested in doing what I need to in order to make him happy. MB can give him the wife and marriage he wants.