There is no mistake in separating a little early - I've never heard Dr. Harley say anything about that, but I have heard him state that one can try too long - and the consolation prize of that is that when you leave, you leave with no love left in you. It's up to you: do you want to save what love you have left for Ship just in case he turns around, or do you want to make sure that when you separate, you're done?

I don't mean that question in a rhetorical sense at all.

But it IS all on him, Anointed. It is all up to him at this point. You have done your part.

It is pretty clear that there is ZERO risk of separating too early here.

A man can always win his wife back from a genuine Plan B, by the way.

Plan B does not hurt Ship. It protects you from being hurt.

It is clear that Ship is NEVER going to get off the fence unless he has to do so for the rest of his life to keep his wife. And it is clear that he will ALWAYS have to know that if he stops at any time, he will lose his wife.

What is not clear is whether even that will get him off the fence.

But YOU need to be protected. Ship's failure to build a marriage with you is killing you.

Well, it's always a good idea to control your own lovebusters, whether in recovery or in separation or even in divorce. If you feel you need a refresher and you want to do that together with him, then by all means do so.

However, be careful that this isn't some more stringing along.

You could always go over lovebusters on your coffee dates during your separation

By taking it on yourself, you are hurting your children. You are depriving them of a healthy, happy mother. And you are hurting them.

Can you email Dr. Harley?

Very good idea!

So if I stay, I risk him continuing to deny what I need in this marriage and then hating him for it. (and having severe physical problems)Or he may follow thru on the action plan and we recover.

If I go, I risk divorce since it increases the chances but it may be the catalyst we need.

I'm not perfect. How have I really done my part? I have decreased LBs (until lately) but we've never had a fulfilling relationship from Ship's perspective either.

What if I don't care? What if I just. don't. care. if I'm hurt anymore.

This is my fear

We dated at the end of our separation, last summer, but I did Not know about OW during this time. I only found out when I was already back in the home, after I asked to come back,he agreed, and I told my husband this won't work if you keep contacting OW. Now we are trying to recover. It is not going as well as expected since original issues are reoccurring: arguing, denial of OW and extent of what actually transpired, refusal to get counseling, and working too much, not enough time together. What are we to do? Had I known he was dating during our separation pending a divorce that never happened and was mutually agreed to put on hold, I would have stayed out of the home until he proved he was ready to dedicate himself to the marriage. Saying so and doing nothing or not enough is not working. I do not want to move out again. What now?

This is very doubtful. He has promised to follow through before, and hasn't. What's changed?

I'm hurting them no matter what I do. I hurt them if I stay and become a wreck.

I hurt them if I leave.

There is hurt around every corner, and I see no way out.

I already did. No response yet. I didn't tell him about the suicidal stuff because frankly, it's embarrassing.

Do you care about your children? If you don't care about yourself, do you care about them?

They will be more hurt if they lose you. Right now, they have lost you. You are checking out. You cannot be there for them when you are despairing like this.

You need to get out and get healthy FOR them.

You may want to make your own thread so others can come to help. Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Have you exposed to your family, his family, and the other woman's family? This is VITAL.

Welcome to MB Nella. Sorry for your pain
I suggest you start your own thread, and posters will then be better able to help you in your situation.