20YH, I still think any talk of us is too soon. On Tuesday I will invite him over and try again with only good talk etc. No R talk.

I truly think what you are saying about him seeing a new me is necessary before he even thinks about anything. I know the one day I did good led to a weekend of him texting me and responding positively.

I do feel better myself, I went fishing and going to dinner with friends tonight. I was able to stop worrying. I will begin this week anew. No expectations whatsoever!

Thank you 20YH.

What I remember Dr. H's advice to be was to do plan A for 3 weeks from the date of her last AO. Had she not been as young as she is, he would have recommended plan B immediately. There was no recommendation of extending plan A beyond 3 weeks.

Also, by "last AO," I don't believe Dr. Harley meant to reset the clock for any future AOs.

In the end plan A is a highly personalized decision how long to go. Dr H has said this many times. Some can do more than 3 weeks and some less. We are all aware that his advice for women is typically 3 weeks. She had already been out a few weeks when he advised her to continue. It is up the the individual to make that final decision. I went for 9 months. Certainly not ideal for sure and I am a man but the point is each person has to do what they think is within themselves. In my case it worked. Most likely I would be divorced if I would have pulled the plug earlier vs. moving toward full recovery.

Men can go MUCH longer than women can. Women really should not go longer than 3 weeks -- lately I've even heard 2 weeks tossed around as the maximum.

In Dr. Harley's revision of SAA, he says 3 weeks for BWs and up to 6 months for BHs. He does not recommend BWs to go over the 3 weeks.

I also heard the same advice as Mr.Eureka on her call.

Baseline Plan B recommendations tailor slightly; it may be shorter or longer. However, if you are not directly in contact w/ Dr. H or a MB coach it is best to stick with the baseline or less as the baseline recommendations are based on statistical norms considering emotional trauma.

In this case, the recent "high" isn't reassuring, it's troubling as this WH hasn't shown any serious action, so a monumental crash is likely in the cards.

After a weekend of him being "hooked" w/ constant attempts at contact, it's probably a good indicator that it's time to apply a little length to the stick and go Plan B and a well-written Plan B letter with the conditions for reconciliation.

Lets not forget that the 3 weeks is for a betrayed wife with a husband in an active affair. In this situation, the OW is hundreds of miles away. Plan A is designed to try to win the spouse back. Plan B is throwing in the towel to protect herself emotionall but leaving the door open for her H to come back on the right terms.

Unless I missed something, there may have been contact but no evidence tha his A is still active.

Only she knows what she can and can't do. We can certainly advise her as to what we believe Dr H would say but let's face it... We don't know this couple personally and what she is capable of doing or not doing from an emotional standpoint.

That is her decision. She has to live with the results of her decisions. We don't.

Lets look this logically.

As she has said, the entire M has been a nightmare for him. So now after just a few weeks in which she hasnt shown him much of anything in terms of the changes she is trying to make in herself... What is his motivation to returnto her?

Until he is certain the future will be different, why would be return? He won't.

If the A isn't active, I would love to know what Dr H would say. The ball is his court but she hasn't had enough time to prove anything to him.

Not true - it also goes for a wife with an abusive or neglectful husband.

Exactly and her WH talked to his OW just the other day.

Dr. H knows everything we know about this situation. His recommendation was no more than 3 weeks. There is no basis for suggesting anything different; we already have an informed answer.

When I discovered my wife's infidelity I also judged myself very harshly as you repeatedly do in almost every post.

But the fact is, we are each responsible for our own actions.

You two had a renter relationship and those are full of LB. yet that doesn't justify his behavior.

Don't bet yourself up on the past or kill yourself trying to win him back.

In my case, there came a time I was so emotionally worn out over my wife's adultery that i felt like I was going to vomit and collapse. At that moment I knew I couldn't take anymore and I HAD to let her go.

Don't become a martyr for a marriage that is only supported by one person.

There is something we know that wasn't clear when the radio show happened. The WH has implied that there is a lot of bad behavior that he's hidden and that he's ashamed of. The implication is that he's been a serial cheater this whole time.

So he's had an angry punishing wife and she needs to make amends but HE contributed greatly to the unhappiness by being a chronic wayward!

The fact that he hinted at something terrible but wouldn't totally fess up can also be considered abusive. It leaves this young wife wondering what he's been up to and contributes to her guilt about possibly being mean to him and driving him to it.

Yes, she needs to leave a good impression but she also needs him to know what life will be like without her and she CERTAINLY needs time away from this to get her own bearings. I can see the frayed nerves in this BW, can't you?

You are right he did say since my last AO.

Dr. H has replied, he said to continue Plan A until the chosen date since my original last AO. No more R talk, or AO, or expectations.
To look up the article on Plan A and B, which he quoted, "You must leave an impression that being at returning home is an attractive choice. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

That was all he said, also clarified that in Plan B I must not have any contact with WH. It is to protect me.


Agreed, Dr. H said to keep my 8/26, but to make sure I leave a good impression. I need to stop ALL LBs.



I agree. I just need to make sure I can continue... Dr. H still recommends 8/26 date. I'm just not sure because we are not seeing each other...

Karmasrose and Brainhurts, yes you are right about the 3 weeks. Dr. H said to keep my 8/26 date, but make sure I do an impressive Plan A.




HHH, see that's why I am somewhat confused. We had already agreed on recovery after dday, but then he was fired a week later, then we had ONE good day, then OW family threatened him. Then I LBed him. Etc... since then he keeps stating that I made him want to try again but he sees I am still the same spiteful person as always. I cannot say I have done a good Plan A. I am keeping the 8/26 date.

Very nice zibbles.

20YH, you are very right in on the OW. WH and I spoke today, no LBs from me. He has been contacting me since yesterday. I have replied with one word responses through text. I felt good today, I went shopping and got a new wardrobe for school. Emotionally I feel stable. I have realized I have been too available like you said.

Yes 20YH, the marriage and our entire relationship has been crap. This is why I am taking this so seriously and willing to give it my all. I KNOW I WILL NOT ACCEPT HIM BACK IF HE IS NOT WILLING TO ALSO CHANGE EVERYTHING.

I am trying to reply to everyone. So please bear with me.

Sorry guys but Dr. H does NOT know everything.

I have had 1 EA and 1 other was an almost PA that I ended.

Like I have been stating. I KNOW for a fact neither one of us has EVER taken it seriously. This is why I am here asking for advice. Because I have also made MANY mistakes. Maybe not as bad, but I have things I have hidden from him also. I know y'all keep saying not to blame myself or make a martyr, but thanks to YOU ALL, I can finally see this needs to be either radically changed for both of us, or it needs to end.

WH left me once because of the EA. We basically had a false recovery up until now.

IDK I am so confused now.

I understand what Zibbles is saying, but I also see what life will be without him.

I know it is not an excuse to say we were young and immature, but I don't know how to better explain it.

I NEVER, not once, took him seriously. Yes I love him, but I never knew love required work, I just assumed it happened.

So to update as of today,

OW's aunt sent me an email. WH and OW have DEFINITELY not been in contact. She stated that if either I or my WH contact her again, they will file restraining orders on both of us. She stated OW is leaving the country and has agreed to NC. So we need to keep our end of the deal.

WH does not know about this. We had good talk today, no LBs.

Emotional state: Sister and mother say I am doing WAY better. It's only been the days I LB or expected a miraculous recovery that I have ended up hurt. They think the plan is reasonable because they see I am not crying everyday, and I am eating.

Mental: I try to keep my mind busy. I notice when I have free time I begin to think about the A and WH. I automatically feel sick. I am learning to distract myself with music etc.

Physical: I have lost 12 lbs. I am eating at least twice a day. Taking stress relief pills. Nausea only when I being to think about A.

What do you guys think?

Also, do you think I should invest into a session with S Harley? After revealing this much? It seems it is getting messy...