Thanks so much for those that are posting and giving suggestions. I bought the book Surviving An Affair last night. My husband said he didn't need to read it. I printed off alot of the information and articles and took home to him to read last night as well. He said none of that really pertains to infidilty???? He is so adamant about me being intimate and romantic, pouring myself all over him....and if I can't do that right now with heartfelt emotion then he is done.

I have asked him to come here...not sure if he will. Our youngest child moves to her apt. for college tomorrow and he is determined to separate then. I have a house that I rented when I moved out that I can go to but I do not want to go there. He also says he wants me to go there but then says "If you spend one night away from this house....it will be totally over"???

I am so confused and scared and physically sick. I know and understand that building those feelins back take time. I love him with all my heart but the romantic and intimate feelings I am struggling with.

Just to answer a few questions....I did go to all of our family and friends and apologized and asked for forgiveness. I lied and deceived many people in my situation and I am truly sorry for that. It was an extremely humbling thing to do.

Exposure was wide spread and very embarrassing but I lived thru it!

I know one thing....I never want to ever be a cheater ever again!!!

I am willing to commit to the program I just have to figure out a way to get him to.

He is trying to demand the kind of marriage and relationship that is recovered without doing the work to recover it. He feels because he has been the victim that he deserves to have close intimate romantic love right away. I have tried to explain to him that if we had had that....our relationhip would not be in this mess. He feels like I am hiding behind all this to not have to say that I can't love him. That is so far from the truth.

I honestly do not know what to do. HELP!

Just let him know you are willing to take the steps necessary to create desire but he has to meet you halfway. This program is the key to getting him what he wants. Does he want a wife who fakes desire? I don't think he really wants that.

If he wants a wife who desires him, he needs to do the things that create desire. Go tell him that. And tell him if he is interested, we can teach him how to create desire. REAL desire, not the fake stuff he is demanding.

Thank you for responding. This is his latest text message to me this morning....word for word.

I am willing to work on this marriage under the following conditions. You creating a safe environment where there is love and affection given freely to me every day. I am willing to do this if there is an overwhelming outpouring of desire and intimacy on your part.
I swear I do not understand why you can't see my point of this after all the things you have done. I don't understand why I have the ability to give you those things yet I am the one who has been hurt so much. Your actions have left me under a pile of hurt so deep it will take what I am asking for so that I can work on the marriage.

My response to him was that I am willing to do any amount of work to really start repairing our marriage. I do not want to put a band aid on this and move on with a fake level of intimacy that we have shared in the past. I am willing to give our marriage to God and aline it with His word and allow Him to be the leader of me and our marriage.

I do not know what else to do.

His text back was this...
"Honey, the environment that is safe for me is a very very regular intimate one with acts of kindness, tenderness, in touching and voice, affection in public and private, but you can't seem to get to that point with me. I wished so bad that you could see my heart and my needs and be able to engulf me in that but you seem to have resentment and bitterness toward me for not meeting your needs.

I haven't responded because I have been on my phone all morning with him and my boss has spoken to me about it and I had to put my phone up.

Someone please respond with what I need to do now. He is saying that tomorrow is the deadline and it is over if I can't do those things.

I really believe in this program and want to follow it!

I understand where you husband is coming from. He wants a good marriage, but has no idea how to get it. He is resorting to demands because of his ignorance.

He really needs to come here. My wife was the first to post here after her affair. The posters told her to get me to come here. Now, our marriage is much better than it ever was before. We can help your husband to understand how to recover and have a great marriage. Please try to get him to come here and let us help.

Did you read my post above? I gave you the answer to this. Marriage Builders gives you the plan to create a romantic, passionate marriage. Tell him about this and ask if he will go through the MB program with you.

Tell him this and ask him to come here. He won't get real desire by making demands. We wil show him how to create REAL desire. Does he want that?

I have asked him to do that....he won't!

If you can't persuade him and he refuses to come here, I would get an appointment with Steve Harley and have him explain to your husband how he can get what he wants. Steve Harley does phone coaching and he charges about $200 a session. He is worth every penny, too. If he could get your to agree to work on his marriage, we could take you through the program.

Can you do that?

OR, you could email Dr Harley on the radio show and have him address your problem in the air. You could then play the radio clip to your husband. That would be free, and Dr Harley will send you a free book too.

what email address would I use to email Dr. Harley?

"Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question."

If you don't hear from the Harleys in a few days, please notify the moderators and they can track it down for you.

A couple of points:

I would suggest remaining as calm as possible in the face of his threats of divorce. He is trying to use these threats to get something that he can't get in this manner no matter how much you want to give it to him. The threat will never achieve what he wants, but you can show him a way to get what he wants, eventually, when he calms down. He may carry through on his threat, but there is a very good chance he will not.

Don't spend the night apart from him. Nights apart are rough on any marriage, let alone one that has been through infidelity.

For what it's worth, here's the section of articles ("Q&A columns") about infidelity. There's about 30 of them. I'm sure what you gave him included some of those, but here they are anyway just in case:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I emailed them! Thanks so much!