You can't talk about the subject again until he learns to make you safe from Disrespectful Judgments.

Anointed,

I've been thinking about you from time to time and wonder how you've been doing?

x2

Miss you, Anointed!

I'm okay. Thank y'all for checking on me.

I feel that things are going well. Ship is really showing more care and hears me when I make complaints.

I am looking forward to a brighter and more intimate future.

It feels good to say things are going well.

Thank you for helping me learn about LBs and teaching me how to apply boundaries without committing LBs. There are times when they slip, but they are few.

Thanks y'all.

Good to hear back from you! I'm glad things are better for you.


You say you are looking toward a brighter, more intimate future instead of saying you're experiencing a bright and intimate present- so, are you happy? Do you two now spend at least 15 hours of undivided attention time together?

Thanks for asking, LL.

Yes, I am happy. I'm not sure when things started turning. It may have been when I decided to be more vulnerable...to stop acting tough and let him see my pain. We are both also much better at acknowledging complaints and addressing each other's feelings. We are safer for each other somehow. We have had a few arguments but instead of it dragging out for a week or more, we usually resolve it within a few minutes.

I don't track how much time we spend together but we work out several nights a week together, and we have a date night once or twice a week or so. I stopped tracking when I became obsessive about it. This seems to be working for us. We'll see.

Ship has been showing me care. For example, last night I went to the grocery store pretty late, and Ship said that he would really prefer that I not go late because he worries about me. I told him that I needed to go so the kids had food for their lunches. He asked if I'd call him when I got there and when I left. When I called as I was leaving, he asked to stay on the phone until I got the groceries in the car and was ready to drive away. When I got home, he carried in the groceries for me even though I could tell he was really into TV show he was watching.

I did not ask for any of that. SF was inevitable after such care.

Tonight Ship rode his bike while I went running. He would circle back around and cheer me on saying "You can do it!" When he was ready to go home before me, he let me know. And when I ran by the house, he flipped the lights on and off to show his support for me even while he was in the house.

It's the texts asking me how I am. The sweet emails asking me to join him at work functions. The way he fathers our kids.

I'm not sure when it started turning. All I can do is credit MB for teaching me about what to avoid and what to focus on. And I learned so much about boundaries by bouncing scenarios off of this amazing board.

I'm pretty good about stating what I like or don't like, and I feel that I do it respectfully. I don't harp (much). I state it and get on with life.

God told me that this would be a year of transformation. He wasn't kidding.

Hi! I think about y'all from time to time, and I'm still grateful for what I learned here. Thank you all so much!

We are still doing well! I have grown so much in strength, and I am not afraid to stand my ground. Who knew standing your ground could look pretty? Standing my ground can be done quietly but heard loudly. The confidence of learning who I am on my own without the ever-maddening influence of what Ship must think of me. I care what he thinks of me, but it's not everything. Ultimately, I am who God says I am, and no one can take that away.

When I came here I was in the throws of co-dependency. It was incredibly difficult to be criticized (even in a healthy way), and I couldn't admit that I was wrong. I was not my own person in any way. It was such a battle, it seemed, all the time to keep my head above water.

Things have changed so much. Ship and I have looked hard at ourselves. We have admitted our faults, seen the anxiety, turned it over to God, and allowed Him to make changes over time.

We still slip back into our old habits sometimes, but it is much easier to get back on the path when we know what it is we did wrong and how to correct it.

Before I came here I had NO words to express what was going wrong in our marriage. Dr. Harley gave me the vocabulary to identify my own issues as well as what I will/will not tolerate from another person (spouse or not.)

I just wanted to say that I'm still around. I am doing quite well. And I'm really thankful for you.

So happy for you and your husband, Anointed. Glad that Dr. Harley and MB principles have given you a plan and that you are both changing and doing well.

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to give an update. I'm in my last semester of nursing school, and I've never been more confident in myself. Since my last post, we continued to work on our relationship, but Ship didn't always listen very closely to me still. After I went back to school, he admitted that he was worried I'd leave him after I got my degree. I guess he realized he needed to make some changes. And boy did he! He's the type of husband who asks me if I'd like a cup of coffee or a blanket. He asks me if I'd like to go on a date this weekend.

It's not perfect. Not by a long shot. We've gotten very angry with each other during this stressful time, but we talk about it directly and move on.

When I look back at all of the changes...I can see why it was suggested I move on from this relationship. I wasn't valued or treated well for a long time. For me, it was the right thing to do to work on my marriage. Now that we are middle aged, there are new struggles to face together. We continue to go to counseling whenever we can't quite manage on our own. I still use what I learn here to communicate respectfully and hold proper boundaries.

If your marriage is struggling, and your spouse treats you poorly, I strongly urge you to look at the guiding principles here and stand up for yourself. You are worth it.

Anointed - so good to see you back! We really wondered what happened to you and how you were doing! I'm glad there's been some improvement - there's really only two ways to go and when a wife raises her standards it makes whatever is going to happen happen sooner rather than later.

Stick around this time, okay?

Hi markos!

Well, I took some time to read about 40 pages of this thread, and I'm kind of speechless. When I read what you all were trying to say it makes sense to me now. Then, it was so opposite to my Pleaser- self. I wasn't doing anyone any favors by obsessing on how to make things better and not allowing others to take personal responsibility. I was very prideful to think that it all depended on me and that I could fix everything.

A few months after my last post in 2015, I was researching other stay at home jobs and was drawn to a medical billing job that would require several months of schooling through my doctor's office. I have always worked as many jobs as needed (3 part time jobs from home at one point), and I was very drawn to the medical verbiage. When I was thinking it over, I felt God strongly impress on me, "What if you followed your dream?" And I didn't know what He was talking about! Slowly, I remembered that I had always wanted to be a NICU nurse but decided against it when I fainted at the sight of blood. haha! I started looking at it, and I knew it would be a terrible burden on my family for me to go to school full time. But I just couldn't shake it. I tried to talk to Ship about it, but he kept kind of brushing me off. I finally told him that if he wasn't willing to have a real conversation about it, I would just move forward with my plans. So I did.

And it seems like that's when some serious changes were made. I started back to school part time in Jan 2016, and I should finish in about 14 weeks with my baccalaureates in Nursing. During this time, I have seen my family step up in major ways. I don't cook anymore (although I was never great at it), and my older kids each cook once a week in rotation with Ship who now does all the meal planning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. My schedule in school forced me to stop enabling my family.

And my chosen career has taught me a lot about ignoring the B.S. and taking action based on assessments. When I read my old posts, I almost miss the old, sweet me. I really was sweet. I don't know how sweet I am these days. It might be due to high stress (I'm in an advanced 15 month program, so it is seriously hectic), but I miss the softness I used to have. Maybe it will come back.

My oldest is in her 2nd year of college and still lives at home. My son is a senior in high school. I also have my 3rd grade girl, and my youngest girl in kindergarten. It's a crazy mess around here!

Ship is now one to grab my hand or ask for a kiss as I walk by. He asks to schedule dates, and he takes care of our family beautifully. We do have some very direct conversations because, frankly, I don't have time for much more. I feel like my words have weight now. I don't know how to explain it. I'm hoping we can increase UA as things (hopefully) ease up in about 7 weeks, and we will see where we truly stand emotionally after all the hubbub of nursing school.

The next couple of years are still going to have high stress as I learn how to actually be a nurse, but I'm hoping my "softness" will return. My eyes have been opened to many things, but I don't want to lose my love for people.

Maybe I'm just tired. What else is new?