It is because the traits that make the affair possible, thoughtlessness, deceit and selfishness eventually make their way into the affair. Affairs are renters relationships that are based on enormous sacrifice [sacrifice of reputation, careers, family, marriages] so when the score is not even, they tend to resort to fights to even the score. In the glimpse we have had into affairees who shacked up, the fighting was fierce. They have very violent relationships.

Another aspect is that affairs tend to be based on fantasies and when reality intrudes the relationship quickly crumbles. [/quote]

Melody,

Thx for the info, I find it really interesting. Didn't realize that the affair situation was so difficult to make work. I guess I've had a different perspective, with three very close friend that went thru this thing, where another person was involved. None of them married their new partner, but are enjoying a better life with them, one for 25 years or more. I think I'm heading down the same path and need to arm myself with the knowledge to make it work, or at least understand the risks. In all of my cases there was a spouse that was just impossible to work with.

Welcome to MB, Homelover.

Are you saying that you are in a relationship that started as an affair in your marriage? Are you hoping to marry this new person? Is that person also married? Do you have any children, either of you? What ages?

What circumstances led you to an affair? Were you unhappy in your marriage and did you tell your spouse about this? (Are you the husband or the wife?) Was the other person a colleague, a family friend etc?

They don't really "work" though. They might still be shacking up, but these are not happy, romantic relationships. Since they live together, they are even more tenuous, because there is no commitment. Either partner can pack and leave when something better comes along. And since they believe in adultery, they feel entitled to leave for something better when that occurs. That is what brings most of these people to our forum, one of them is usually having another relationship with someone else. They believe they are entitled to keep their options open and they do!

If you are considering such a relationship, just be open to the fact that your relationship won't be exclusive and be prepared to accept that. I think acceptance of this fact is one of the biggest struggles in affairages. Folks need to go into this with their eyes wide open.

They tend to be renters relationships with lots of regret and are usually characterized with abuse and cheating. Dr Harley has been in practice for 40 years and has tremendous experience dealing with "affairages." He doesn't know of a single one that has worked. He knows of ONE where the relationship was "good" but the man said it was the one of the greatest regrets of his life because of what it did to his relationship with his children.

95% of affairs never stay together and of that 5% that do, 70% of those relationships collapse within 5 years. Those are pretty low odds. And they are even lower when the affairees shack up. [shacking up has a 15% success rate]

I know people who smoked for years and had no adverse effects from it once they quit, but that doesn't mean I would ever think it would be a good idea to smoke cigarettes. That is how I view affairs. The rule is that they are a disaster.

Dr Harley discusses "affairages" here: radio clip

We have had glimpses into these affairs over the years [via visiting children or relatives] and the fighting is very intense. My XH shacks up with his OW and my son has told me about the horrible fights they have. Another board member's teenage daughter has witnessed some of the fights she sees at her father and the OW's house. They are so horrible and intense that she was scared. Our board member, his former wife, was absolutely shocked because her XH NEVER behaved so abusively and cruelly when they were married.

In addition to Mel's radio clip here is some more.
Dr. Harley talks about Affairages

Some more.
Affairage Radio Clips

First, I hate to hijack someone else's thread, perhaps should start another, but not ready, as I like to read a bit more. Yes, I'm the man, GF is single. We both have grown kids. Mine has suggested I leave my spouse at times, and I should have, years ago. I've been living with a substance abusing wife that I have put up with, and she and I have fought this for years, unsuccessfully. I decided that virtually half of my life I can live alone when she's abusing, until I got involved with my GF, whom I've known as a friend for several years. It's opened a new look on life that I'm not willing to give up. And yes, I need all the help I can get.

We can all sympathize with your poor marriage, but having an affair is not the answer. It is compounding the problem. Does your wife know what you are doing to her?

Melody,

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, which is appreciated from such an experienced and knowledgable person like you. I really feel like I should start a new thread and not jeopardize the OP thread, but am just not ready. I need to do a lot more reading and get more insight on what to do. Relationship is very emotional now and wife knows some, but not details.

Tried to PM you regarding not posting on this thread, but found PM disabled.

She is not a "GF". She is the OW.

And I really don't appreciate the reference to your BW's substance abuse.

I had a husband that cheated on me, lovebusted, lied and gaslighted me over the course of several years and I managed not to step outside the marriage, even during the course of our separation when none of my ENs were being met.

Thanks for the reply. Not sure what you mean by "really don't appreciate the reference to your BW's substance abuse", is it inappropriate to mention that? That is the reason for a failed marriage. Yes, understand what you mean by the OW... learning these acronyms is hard.

Here.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

The MB position is that there are reasons for affairs, but no excuses. To the extent that you are using your BW's substance abuse as an excuse, it is inappropriate. Also, referring to the OW as a GF is easily seen an a minimization of culpability.

Understand, thx.

Just so you know, most adulterers lie about the supposed wrongs of their betrayed spouse. They are practiced liars who have spent much time concocting rationalizations for their crimes. Sure, there are usually problems in the marriage, but none of it justifies adultery. Adultery sure does not resolve a bad marriage. Adultery is the worst form of abuse. That is what you are doing to your wife. So it is very telling to see you mention her wrongs when you are committing the gravest crime against her.

Melody,

Please see my last message in "Is marriage really the answer?", where I responded to you. Must say, my decision to leave the OW was largely based on info from you and this forum. A real learning experience. Thanks.

The WS rewrites the marriage history to justify having their affair. Rewrites leave out all the good memories and only recall the bad ones. Not enough bad memories or none of them then bad memories are invented and put into the story line.