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Did you listen to the clips in this? Did you listen, Pius? It's not a rhetorical question.  I read some of the thread but haven't had a chance to listen to the clips yet. I will when I get some private time.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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There is also some ambivalence. This woman who was the closest person to me out of any other in the world basically stopped loving me, betrayed me, neglected me and wants to divorce me. A part of me wants to say "don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out." She has hurt me so badly I may never get over this. Would it help you any to say that the woman who betrayed you, neglected you and wants to divorce you wasn't/isnt' your spouse but instead a fogged out, addict driven, insane person who's lost her way. Your W was the one who stopped loving you.
Last edited by MrAlias; 08/08/13 07:19 AM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Fear is just one of the many emotions I feel. As far as the fear � well the fear of the unknown is very common. If you fear her response to you in exposure then here are some words I copied from a post Indiegirl made to halieh. Read these responses because they are powerful tools that will help you in preparation for the anger you could receive from WW, WW�s family or OM�s family. If you haven�t read her thread halieah�s WH�s AP is threatening suicide due to halieah�s exposure. This is a very powerful post. Good work. Caring families want to know when a relative is putting herself and children in harm's way and destroying a marriage.
You COULD reply back to the 'should be private' message, that if they dont care about their friend/family, that's up to them, but I wouldnt bother. If they want to be like that, that's their response. Every single person who sent me a message like this turned out to be a wayward themselves, so be aware of that.
I wouldn't reply to your H's ludicrous accusation either. If the shame of being an OW makes people kill themselves, then he shouldnt have made her one. Dr H says everybody in an affair is depressed so it is more likely you are helping her, than harming her by letting her family know what a mess her life is in.
If he confronts you tell him you are sorry his A embarrasses him or "I am sorry OW is embarrassed by her decision to have an A".
I wouldnt be afraid to tell him either:
"OWs family is very angry that you have made their sister your mistress. They are angry that you have exposed her to STDs. They will help her make a better life from now on"
Agreeing with waywards in a confusing way is also a good way to keep them baffled.
Him - "Rant, rant, rant you are vindictive, you are destroying her life"
You - "Yes I agree she has made a mess of her life"
Him - "Her family hates her!"
You - "I am glad she has her family's support to do better in future"
Him - "You have shamed her!"
"Yes, it is normal to be very ashamed of adultery"
Him - "I will take legal action, it is cyber bullying!"
You - "I checked and it is not illegal to tell the truth in a calm and respectful way."
Or tell him: "Affairs are embarrassing and depressing things. But now it is out in the open, you will have all the loving help you need to move on."
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Pius - how are you and your children doing?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hello Pius,
Just checking in to see how you are doing.
Any update would be nice to hear. I hope you know we'll support you regardless of what choice you make in keeping or letting your M go.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Hello Pius,
Just checking in to see how you are doing.
Any update would be nice to hear. I hope you know we'll support you regardless of what choice you make in keeping or letting your M go. Thanks for the concern! I'm hanging in there the best I can. I had some good talks with my wife's parents and my wife's former best friend, and they have said they would help in any way they could. I've also talked more with my son and he is very supportive and sympathetic. My wife is interacting with me but is still not interested in doing anything to work on the marriage, and has tried to engage me in "divorce talks" - such as who will watch the kids when and stuff. I have told her I wasn't interested in that yet and I still want to save the marriage. As far as I can tell she is still communicating with OM on her phone. I've said I want to separate our cell phone bills because I refuse to pay for her phone service while she is contacting him. My wife's mother has discussed possibly organizing some sort of intervention along with some others, perhaps like what is suggested here: **edit** The objective would be to put pressure on my wife to consider abandoning the affair and returning to the marriage. I'm trying to do the plan A thing, by doing chores, being involved with the kids, and being as cheerful as humanly possible.
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 08/15/13 08:59 AM. Reason: TOS removing link to other marriage website
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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"Intervention" is precisely the point of the nuclear familial exposure that you performed. If MIL thinks a group setting would be beneficial, well, you and she know your WW better than anyone out here. WW may just choose to flee one large gathering - unless of course you have followed my suggestion about the plates on "her" vehicle.
Regardless of "group" versus "individual" contact, however, what is VITALLY important is that the same message be conveyed, from each individual:
"WW, as a (brother, sister, aunt, Mother), I feel it important to tell you that your actions are wrong and immoral.
If you continue your adulterous life you can expect no support or comfort from me or anyone I can influence, and
certainly no acceptance of POSOM in any way. Our support and care will be invested in Pius, in his efforts to save
the marriage you have tried so hard to destroy!"
You (not MIL) must start getting that set of parameters out to sympathetic folks today. I'm worried you're still looking for "someone" to fix your problem. You are the core "someone", Pius. PULL the plates. SEPARATE the phones. TRANSMIT the message above. Stop HOPING, friend;.
As was made plain in the underrated movie Bruce Almighty,:
IF YOU WANT TO SEE A MIRACLE, BE THE MIRACLE!
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Pius,
Thanks for the update.
Ok. So you're in Plan A. Plan A when there is infidelity and continued contact means more than just being a nice guy and helping out. It means doing the things that NG and others have suggested.
It sounds like you have the support of many and those many sound like important people in your WW's life. I say take advantage and fully invest your efforts to bust this A up. Many people recover their Ms without this amount of support. If the family is willing to do a one-time intervention they should be more than willing to apply long lasting pressure to have her return to the M. I�d ask them to do both. Frequent calls from MIL and others to WW will set a tone.
Once the A is over then you can decide if you truly want to stay with your W. But first and foremost bust up the A so you'll know what recovery feels like. It will be far easier for you to forgive what has happened if you end up with a repentant, loving W.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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"Intervention" is precisely the point of the nuclear familial exposure that you performed. If MIL thinks a group setting would be beneficial, well, you and she know your WW better than anyone out here. WW may just choose to flee one large gathering - unless of course you have followed my suggestion about the plates on "her" vehicle.
Regardless of "group" versus "individual" contact, however, what is VITALLY important is that the same message be conveyed, from each individual:
"WW, as a (brother, sister, aunt, Mother), I feel it important to tell you that your actions are wrong and immoral.
If you continue your adulterous life you can expect no support or comfort from me or anyone I can influence, and
certainly no acceptance of POSOM in any way. Our support and care will be invested in Pius, in his efforts to save
the marriage you have tried so hard to destroy!"
You (not MIL) must start getting that set of parameters out to sympathetic folks today. I'm worried you're still looking for "someone" to fix your problem. You are the core "someone", Pius. PULL the plates. SEPARATE the phones. TRANSMIT the message above. Stop HOPING, friend;.
As was made plain in the underrated movie Bruce Almighty,:
IF YOU WANT TO SEE A MIRACLE, BE THE MIRACLE! NeverGuessed - I'm not sure why you are suggesting pulling the plates on "her" vehicle. She recently got a job so she will need to be able to go there. And the POSOM lives in our neighborhood, sadly, so she could simply walk there if she was determined to see him. POSOM could also pick her up. And though she uses that particular vehicle most, I use it as well.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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It is fantastic that several people in your wife's life will be putting pressure on her to end the affair. This will be very helpful. As NeverGuessed posted, this is helpful whether it is one organized event or not. And it is helpful for people to continue to send the same message over time. Be sure that they focus on the fact that what she is doing is causing great pain for her husband, great pain for her children, and will ultimately cause great pain for her personally. Let them know that they should tell her that this can be turned around and it is possible for her to find happiness with you. I'm trying to do the plan A thing, by doing chores, being involved with the kids, and being as cheerful as humanly possible. To that, add attempts to meet her more intimate emotional needs, like conversation. Take every chance you can possibly take to talk to her. Get her to go somewhere with you if possible, even if it's just grocery shopping, but preferably something enjoyable.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Did you listen to the clips in this? Did you listen, Pius? It's not a rhetorical question. I read some of the thread but haven't had a chance to listen to the clips yet. I will when I get some private time. Did you ever listen to this?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I may need to get on antidepressants and medicine to help me sleep. When I get home I'll probably make an appointment. Have you spoken to your doctor about antidepressants, yet? Your children need you to have your wits about you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And click the "listen now" button and start checking out Marriage Builders Radio on a daily basis. You need the information, and the motivation.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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NeverGuessed - I'm not sure why you are suggesting pulling the plates on "her" vehicle.Well, at least you asked the question! Look, you have got to get into your head that while she is engaging in her affair, SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! In the battle against immorality and infidelity, she's fighting for the other side, dude! She recently got a job so she will need to be able to go there.Do you not "connect the dots" as to why she recently got this job? It is to give her financial independence from you, Pius. That does NOT work to your advantage! You want her on foot, penniless and cell-phone-less. STOP GIVING HER SUPPORT IN TEARING YOUR FAMILY APART. If she needs a vehicle to get to her new job, let her buy one, or pester OM about getting her one. POSOM could also pick her up. I'll tell you what - the day POSOM rings the doorbell and says, "Hi! I'm here to pick up WW so I can stuff her like a Christmas goose," I'll stand drinks for the entire MB fraternity! OMs are skulking cockroaches, my friend, scurrying from the light. ...she uses that particular vehicle most, I use it as well.So make other plans. You will soon be losing support here with your diffident approach, Pius. You want an omelet? Start breaking some eggs!
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Some good stuff going on in your Plan A, Pius but there's also room for improvement.
NGs Art of War tips are spot on. She will use anything she can get off you against you. And then sneer at how little you cared in not preventing her.
I don't think you quite get how bad waywards can be.
Its not about babysitting her, but showing her you won't allow her to cheat as easily as she is hoping.
The key is to make the A super difficult to continue with logistically while presenting yourself as super protective.
Women feel less loved when a man is not visibly protective. And a wayward will use it as a reason to actively despise you.
His being in the same neighbourhood needs resolving. I would tell her you expect her to move. Don't shrug as if you can't influence that - SHOW her protectiveness and concern. The rest is up to her.
Last edited by indiegirl; 08/15/13 04:53 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'd take MiL up on the intervention offer.
A) It's always good to respond positively to our supporters' ideas.
B) It is a good idea. Even if WW flees, she will KNOW the intervention is still there. Disapproving. Talking. Resolving against the A.
Getting everyone together to think, talk and plan about opposing the A - even without WW - is a good idea.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Pius, do you even have the book Surviving an Affair, yet?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Pius, do you even have the book Surviving an Affair, yet? Argh - no. This weekend I promise I will sit down for a couple hours and pour through all the MB stuff. I will listen to the radio clips and the other things that were recommended. Things have been, shall we say, hectic around home lately. Indie - Yes it is a BIG problem that POSOM lives in the neighborhood. She could walk over there in literally about 5 minutes. Taking away the car would do no good. And I work during the day, while POSOM doesn't. POSOM could simply pick her up when I wasn't home. When this first broke, I told my WW that she either needed to agree to reconcile with me, or else move out and move in with POSOM. She later said "I'm not moving out." I simply can't force her to move out unless there is a divorce and I get a court order.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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This weekend I promise I will sit down for a couple hours and pour through all the MB stuff. I will listen to the radio clips and the other things that were recommended. Things have been, shall we say, hectic around home lately. Good Getting educated is one of the best things you can do right now.
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Pius, do you even have the book Surviving an Affair, yet? Argh - no. This weekend I promise I will sit down for a couple hours and pour through all the MB stuff. I will listen to the radio clips and the other things that were recommended. Things have been, shall we say, hectic around home lately. Don't wait till the weekend, my friend. I know things are hectic, but you have got to start reading up on what you need to do to COMBAT the thing that is making your life hectic right now! When this first broke, I told my WW that she either needed to agree to reconcile with me, or else move out and move in with POSOM. She later said "I'm not moving out." I simply can't force her to move out unless there is a divorce and I get a court order. Yes, this is a typical pattern for waywards. She will be happy to have some of her needs met by you and some met by him. She is not interested in doing what you say or making deals with you. It is to your benefit for her to continue to live with you so that you can fight the affair with Plan A.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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