I stumbled to this site after doing a google search on surviving infidelity...

I have read some great articles that somewhat fit my situation, but nonetheless, each person's situation is different, and I am at a lost as to what I should do. Let me describe what had happened thus far.

I have been married for 17 years. We have no kids (my wife doesn't want any). We both have fairly successful career and while we are not rich by any means, we earn enough to not have to worry about money and can pretty much buy whatever we want or go wherever we want to go for vacation.

Within this relationship, my wife is the aggressive, strong minded person. She is the type that will not listen to other people's advice until she can convince herself that the advice be taken. I am more passive, an analytical person. I like to consider all options before taking action. I consider we are a good team -- she pushes me forward with her go-getter mentality, while I pulled her back a bit so she wouldn't ram into a brick wall at full-speed.

In our friends' eyes, we are a loving model couple. We hardly argue, and our goals in life are fairly compatible. I thought I have found the perfect wife to spend the rest of my life with.

Yet the horrific event (affair) came to light about 3 years ago. About 6 years ago, my wife went from working for somebody else, to a small business owner. Unfortunately, her new business did not start off well, as she was sued for breach of contract (caused by a rogue real estate agent lying about contract terms) and lost. Into our lives come this lawyer. Throughout this lawsuit, my wife has spent a great deal of time with him. At the beginning, there was no attraction between the two. However, overtime that turns to affection to each other and I caught them exchanging love messages to each other.

I confronted my wife about 3 years ago, whom then said she felt sorry and tried to end the relationship. Yet, as the articles in this website well stated -- an affair is an addiction. To my wife, she does not see an affair as wrong (being stubborn/head-strong) and we began a long 2-year "cat-and-mouse" game. Being analytical, I can typically sense when something is wrong and being analytical I can usually find means to discover what was wrong. She would ask "how did you find out I was seeing the lawyer?" If I told her my means, she would change her communication scheme. If I told her I can look into her email box, she changed to phone texting. When I told her I looked into her phone records, she then switch to phone calls with a different phone. When I said I found her in a hotel through GPS tracking of her phone, she stopped carrying her phone when she went meet the lawyer. I know invading her privacy through the above means is wrong, but I cannot stop thinking about where she is because of her constantly breaking her "promise".

We have gone to marriage therapy, but that was of no help. She reaction was that "I am uncomfortable to reveal my private life to a complete stranger. How can she provide advice with these 1 hour sessions when she knows very little about us?".

I have talked civilly with this lawyer lover privately on several occasions. He is divorced, and openly express to me that he loves my wife. But at the same time he feels like crap for ruining an otherwise a good marriage. He is the one that told me to go seek marriage counseling, as he said my wife is attracted to him because something is missing in my marriage. He said (and I agreed) if the root cause (He asked me "Is it because you are bad in bed? You ignored her? You don't offer support when she's down?") of my wife's attraction to him is not fixed in my marriage, even if he backs out my wife will just go seek another relationship. When I told him I plan to move out (separation), he would tell me to not do that because he said he tried that in his marriage and didn't work. Innate feelings tell me he is not a total jerk, but at the same time given his profession, I don't know if he is just a natural sweet-talker.

I tried to ask my wife what we should improve to reignite our love, and she said I am already a very caring, perfect husband that any wife dreams to have.

Since my wife couldn't provide me with any clues, I try to examine what is wrong in my marriage, and I conclude it might be due to our boring lifestyle -- we have a very small social circle. Besides work, my wife does not find anything to be interesting and she has no hobbies. Despite being a good husband, I can see how she gets attracted to a guy that expresses care for her, that is from a different cultural background, and can carry a different type of intellectual discussion (talks about law). She also mentioned she is attracted to his scent (he's a Persian) that I don't have (both my wife and I are Asians).

She understands that her relationship with him will not go very far, because of the lifestyle (he's much more active) and cultural differences. But she also confided that she likes the fact that he does not need any commitment from her (in my viewpoint, of course he doesn't since he is the lover), whereas I have been demanding commitment from her (of course I need to, being a husband). Yet, every time we argue because of her continual relationship with him, when I push her to make a decision, the eventual overcome is always
1) She will not back down from my demand of her stop seeing this lawyer
2) If I insist on 1), that we should separate
3) We both cried a lot that night
4) The next day, we wanted to reconcile and I would give it another chance
Cycle rinsed and repeat.

Lately, I finally was able to convince her to be more active. We started dating once a week, and we started the process of doing charity work so life is not as boring. I think we are much happier in the past 6 months.

Yet I am taking a mental toll -- because she continues to talk and see this lawyer. My wife's wish is for me to let her passion to this lawyer fade and die a natural death. Whereas in my viewpoint, I have exercised enough tolerance (2 years!! more than 10 times of her lying/breaking promises) that I am at this breakpoint myself. I am driving myself crazy when she is away from home -- is she really working or is she seeing this lawyer? I admit I am obsess in thinking about her. I am still in love with her and I really wanted her. Yet the thought of her not able to do a clean-cut cutoff drives me nuts.

I am a very confused man right now. Should I end the relationship because we cannot agree on how to save this marriage:
1) With this lawyer being one of the few friends she has, she WILL NOT give up in stop seeing this man
2) I want to have the assurance that she is over with this guy and wants her to "commit", which is met with the response "I will try my best".
And this disagreement is driving me crazy mentally.

Yet, I can see she is trying, and I think we are making some progress... I don't know how long my sanity can hold...

Should I just separate and go with Plan B? She already asked if we can remain friends if we separate, but accordingly to Plan B, I should stop contacting her until she changes her stance in our relationship. Yet, I know her business needs my help -- I am her handyman, and IT support. I know she will need me to fix something sooner or later. Should I not help her if she ask? That will just destroy all the love units that I have created thus far in doing Plan A...

Any opinions and advice you can provide is most appreciated.

A very confused AlanC

P.S. Pardon my disorganized thoughts

Welcome to MB and so sorry for your pain.

Has your wife been in this affair for more than 3 years?

Have you read the Exposure thread?

Hit Notify and ask the MODS to move your thread to SAA.

She has no reason to end her affair. She has the best of both worlds. She has her loverboy and has you sitting at home waiting for her. Why would she give that up? She is not torn or confused, she is very decisively enjoying the best of both worlds!

Heck, she has even shamed you into not snooping on her! She is darn good!

Dr Harley would advise you to expose her affair wide and far. And the next step would be to go into Plan B and file for divorce. If the affair has not ended in 2 years, your marriage is unlikely to make it. And even if she did end this affair, she will have another one because she does not believe in monogamy and she knows you will tolerate her abusive, horrific behavior.

Three years you put up with this? Wow!

Anyway, here is your game plan now. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully, to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

And, without telling your wayward wife, contact and discuss your possible divorce with a divorce attorney, or two or three.

Know how to protect your finances and know your rights if you wind up needing to go this route.

Do not tell your wife your snooping tools nor about discussions with lawyers!

She is using all information you give her against you to further hide her affair activities.

Your marriage is based on an upside down foundation. There is little chance of recovery and why would you want to?

Protect yourself legally and get a bulldog lawyer.

Also expose the scumbag and report him to the local bar association.

Its always better to call a spade a spade.

She is not "seeing" him. She is screwing him.

It's been on and off. I would describe my wife to be not as evil as how my first post described.

During the 3 years, the cycle typically goes like this:
1) I found evidence that she has slept with the lawyer once
2) I confronted her, we would have an intense discussion about why she did that to me
3) We both talked about whether we should end our marriage
4) In the end, her logical side (that I am a good husband) and my emotional side (that I love her) won and we decide to give the relationship one more try
5) She would reduce her frequency of contacting this lawyer for the next 3-6 months. They may talk only 1-2 times a week, and maybe seeing each other over lunch once a month. Again, since he is her store's "general counsel" she inevitably need some legal advice from him from time to time.
6) Then human nature took over -- the taste of forbidden fruit is too sweet and temptation too great.

The above cycle happened about 10 times over the last 3 years.




That's exactly my fear that she has no reason to end the affair after I have given TOO MANY chances. She might think I would cave in and continue to tolerate the behavior.

Somehow (because I still love her now) I am resisting the idea of exposing her far and wide because that would leave us no chance of reconciling should the situation change. That said, both sides' parents are aware of the situation and I have mentally prepared them we are on the verge to separate.

Was your wife a client of this lawyer? Was she his client when the sexual relationship started? If the answer to both of these questions is yes, then this lawyer has broken the rules of professional conduct.

You should report this relationship to the lawyers board for professional responsibility in your state. Additionally, depending on the state, this could be a tort that you could sue him over.

You have some extra leverage that can be used to try and nuke this affair beyond just exposure. Lawyer-client sexual relationships are heavily regulated and he can be reprimanded, suspended, or disbarred depending on what his governing body decides to do to him.

As an aside... lawyers can not perform deceptive and dishonest acts. Especially when those acts would bring discredit to the profession. Depending on how strict the lawyer's board in your state tends to be... You can really get him.

It's time to man up.

Which you have done a good job at.

You would expose if you loved her. All you are doing is protecting her from the consequences of HER decisions.

Your heading down that path by YOUR inaction.

Thats up to you to make that happen.

Yes you are on the verge of divorce.

Snap out of Albert, LISTEN TO THE VETS ON HERE.

"That's exactly my fear that she has no reason to end the affair after I have given TOO MANY chances. She might think I would cave in and continue to tolerate the behavior.

Somehow (because I still love her now) I am resisting the idea of exposing her far and wide because that would leave us no chance of reconciling should the situation change. That said, both sides' parents are aware of the situation and I have mentally prepared them we are on the verge to separate."

It is not "loving" to keep her affair secret, it is the opposite because you are enabling her. You have harmed her greatly by keeping her secret. You should expose the affair as an act of kindness and a demonstration that you really do love her. I see no indication here that you love her because you have enabled her for so long.

I would start by exposing the affair to her family and friends. I would next expos� to all the OMs friends and family. Does this POS have a Facebook page?

"She might think I would cave in and continue to tolerate the behavior."

Might think? She doesn't think, she knows.

Being somewhat tech savvy, I have done some of the evidence methods you described above already. That's exactly how I found her whereabouts in the first place. Still collecting evidence at this time for possible future use.





One fact that I forgot to mention, but I think it has some bearings as to why I am confused and cannot comprehend her behaviors is that--

We are technically/officially divorced already. When she lost her court case 3 years ago, we filed for divorce to try to protect whatever assets that we have left to my name. But we stayed together during this time.

So what I don't understand is that, if we do separate, she will not have much left.

Over the past couple weeks, when I told her I am going insane on worrying of her whereabouts, we mutually agreed that we should separate amicably. She will let me have whatever I want (probably out of guilt).

I guess currently I am the one that hesitate... the more I think about my current situation, the more I should go the separation route.

If she truly wants me to be with her, she will pursue me back instead. If she doesn't, at least I am now free to move on. Plus now I get to choose to accept her back or not.

What type of reporting can I do? Affair is immoral but not illegal...

When I separate, I will rewrite the divorce dissolution to protect myself.

Hi amlbetrayed,

Thanks for the info. I didn't know that. My wife is definitely a client of this lawyer, but no official contract / retainer after the initial court case. She has periodically write checks (retainer fees) to this lawyer 1-2 years ago, but that stopped because he stopped billing her. In my mind, of course he is not charging because he is getting something other than money in return. However, can he legally argue that he is just helping a friend instead of a client? I am sure if things turned ugly, my soon to be ex-wife will say she is just seeking a friend's advice whom just happen to be a lawyer.

So have you exposed this yet? When you do you need to definitely expose to his law firm. Does OM have a girlfriend?

Tell us who is on your exposure list?

About that "vicious cycle" on the previous page? That's just her gas lighting you and stringing you along because she has no consequences for her actions. If you had kids and they kept playing with matches but you never gave them consequences do you think they would stop playing with matches? NO of course not .. They would continue to sneak around and play with them til someone got hurt or something burned down. My point is that without a consequence she has nothing to fear by just telling you want you want to hear meanwhile she just continues to do as she pleases while not in your presence. Until there is a consequence. She will just keep on getting her cake and eating it to and will likely just try harder to cover it up til she get caught with her hands in the cookie jar again and you tell her politely that she can't have any. Soon as your guard is down... BAM she will do it again.

Expose... Or prepare for more of this "vicious cycle"

MNG

I am a lawyer myself. I can tell you that the formation of an attorney-client relationship can happen a lot without ever signing a contract or paying money. There are entire CLE courses for lawyers about the pit falls. If he started sleeping with her AFTER she became a client and persisted throughout then he has violated several professional rules.

Report him to his regulatory authority. It could run him off. Additionally, he could get a public reprimand and more. That means that his disciplinary action will be published in the periodicals produced by the bar for all lawyers to read.

Are you actually divorced? (Is it final?)

If so......she is just dating the OM and not monogamous with you.

If the divorce is not final......is it stalled at a juncture? Put on hold?

amIbetrayed,

Is there a proper way to handle exposing a lawyer for this? Go to the firm? Or someone else? To handle how he should expose OM?