Hi, New to this forum but dealing with the fallout from hubby running off with ow since May.
He just left, got an apartment and is now dating the ow.
He doesn't think he had an affair or is doing anything wrong because he told me of the affair before he slept with her.
They are not living together but he is doing everything he can to replace me entirely with her. (setting up meetings with his family, having her meet the kids) It's like I never existed!
we are divorcing - not because I want to divorce but because it seems in British Law it is the only thing I can do to protect myself and the kids financially.
Because I have been civil and not screamed, begged, shouted etc at him he thinks it is perfectly ok to just dump me for ow and at the moment he is living a charmed existence. Plays computer games every night, has dates and sex when he wants from ow, kids are too young to understand. Stepson has gone through so much crap and family break ups that hubby thinks he'll be ok because "he's already had therapy"
Anyway I think I'm already doing plan A automatically but I confess I don't really understand it. Can someone please explain plan A and Plan B in detail. I suspect I will be posting on here a lot
Thanks

Hi Jostar, welcome to Marriage Builders. Plan A lasts about 3-4 weeks and it looks like you are way overdue for Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. In your situation I would be planning on going into Plan B after you expose the affair wide and far. Please go read the first thread on this forum, especially the exposure link: "Start Here First - Welcome Aboard!"

He told everyone already. Actually, come to think of it I think I may have told his parents straight away. I think everyone already knows. He's doing his best to have her take my place in all aspects of his life.
I think you are right about plan B - I found the link and now understand it. It will be difficult as we have children. He comes over two nights a week to put them to bed. I guess I could hide in the bedroom once I've let him in. There is no way I could go through an intermediary. Everyone I know is too busy with their own lives however I could communicate via email and only about the kids/finances etc.
Bleh!!
Thank you

Actually, he told them SPIN about how his marriage is over and he found a new woman. That is NOT what we mean by exposure. They all need to hear the FACTS from you.Did you read the exposure thread?


You will want to change the locks so he can never come in the house again. He will have to pick up the kids for his visitations and I would make sure they are NEVER EVER exposed to his skanky OW. Your children should not be dragged into his affair. Being an intermediary is a very easy job. It only consists of being a spam filter and passing on messages regarding the children or finances.

Did you read the thread about exposure?

Jostar, here is the Plan B thread with specific instructions: here

He would not be coming over to put them to bed at your home.

He would need to see them elsewhere on his own time.

You remove yourself and your home from his access.

A Plan A is showing your very best self. Have you read up on love busting and emotional needs in the Basic Concepts?

Once you feel you have done a good Plan A.....you implement Plan B.

To do so, you write a letter to your H explaining that you want the marriage to be monogamous and that is his way back to having access to you. It is a love letter (please find examples of them and post your rough draft here first).

To go to Plan B you need to talk to legal counsel to protect your finances and etc.

Make sure you know how you can manage to live financially before implementing it.

Thanks for all the help - It all seems reasonable. I have a couple of problems though
1) I have told his family the full story. They have had both sides of it. I really really really don't want to call his work and tell them. Even though his affair is with a co-worker I would feel like a crazy woman if I emailed his work. I worry that his family would look down on me too. I've been doing a fantastic job so far keeping on top of my feelings and not doing anything I would later regret.
2) I totally agree to him not coming and putting the kids to bed but they are my no 1 priority at the moment and they really miss him. How can I take that away from them? I do not want to take any time he spends with the kids away from them. It is important to me that I do not put barriers up between him and the kids. His ex (yes there was one before me - they had been split up years before I met him though - I was not the other woman) put up all kinds of barriers between him and the kids and it was a horrible mess that hurt the kids more than anyone. I cannot see that happen to my own kids.
Any advise on how I can do this with minimum impact on the kids. They are 2 and 4 and don't really understand.

Welcome to MB, Jostar. I'm sorry you've had to come here.

You are well overdue for Plan B and should consider yourself to be in Plan B right now. Your H has already moved out and is openly continuing the affair. Dr Harley does not recommend that women spend any significant time in the Plan A strategy of competing against the OP, and you have done that for weeks already. It is time to stop.

Please do not allow him into your home any more. Arrange for someone else to transfer the kids from you to him and back again. He needs to look after the kids outside your home. Since you are divorcing, does that mean you have a lawyer? Speak to your lawyer to see if there is any way to keep the kids away from OW. (Sadly, as I understand it, in English law there is not, unless she is violent or an addict - but ask.)

Whose is the stepson? How old are your kids, and which kid belongs to which one of you? Do you have kids in common? Are all the kids living with you? How long have you been married?

Is your H paying the rent/mortgage and bills? Is there a legal agreement or court order for him to do so? How can he afford to pay the bills and rent an apartment - is he maintaining you properly? Do you have paid employment?

Well, there is one side to truth, though, and it is important that they have the full truth. Are you saying they have the full truth? And are they supporting your marriage? Or are they supporting the affair?


Since you have exposed to his family, I would focus on other exposures, such as the OW's family and friends.. Does she have a facebook page?

And I would strongly urge you to expose at work. If you expose using the template we provide, you don't sound crazy. And if someone does call you crazy, that is their problem, not yours. Workplace exposure is very impactful and you can't afford to miss that. Don't help them hide their filthy affair, that is to shoot yourself in the foot.



It in not in their best interest that he come into the house and wreck your Plan B. If he is allowed to remain in your life, you will become a nervous wreck. They have already lost their father, they can't afford to lose you too. Plan B is as much for them as it is you.

They can still see their father, but it has to be done via a visitation AWAY from the house. You can tell your children how devastating his affair has been to you and why he can't come in the house.


Your husband has put up barriers by moving out to chase some hoe. You need to protect your children from his destructive, pernicious influence. He can still have visitations, but they need to be limited and they need to be out of your home, AWAY from you.

Also, a 4 year old will usually understand the meaning of affairs. When I was 4, my father introduced me to his OW. And since my mother never said this was wrong, I knew that my instincts about right and wrong were WRONG. This all seemed wrong to me and since no adult would validate those feelings, I concluded I was stupid and grew up profoundly morally confused. If you don't teach your children right from wrong, your wayward husband will teach them that wrong is right. You should start talking to your 4 year old now.

In addition to Sugarcane's and MelodyLane's advice. Your WH chose to leave his family and have his affair and move in with OW. He must be held to the consequences to his actions. If one of the consequences is that he can't come in and tuck his kids in at night, then that is on him. Yes the children suffer because of their father's choices.

You did not choose this and your kids did not choose this. Your WH chose this.

Wow, a lot to think about. Thank you all. Ok questions to be answered. Here goes.
I met my husband 12 years ago - He had two sons then aged 5 and 2 (now aged 17 and 13) He had split up from the mother of the boys 18 months previously (They were never married) She had another partner at the time I met him. She was a very angry and bitter woman and her anger only ended up hurting herself and the children. She got married and split up with him which caused even more anger. My eldest stepson got caught up in her anger and after years of us seeing him on weekends, decided he hated us (right around the time his mother and her husband split) There was a lot of depression, drug abuse etc in that house. It was pretty awful. My younger stepson however is still very close to me and has got though it all with a lot of help and therapy (honestly that boy is a saint and such a wonderful kid) He hated his stepfather so now divides his time between his house (his mums) my hubbys and mine. I love him like my own and we are still close despite the split. His mum tells me he had become depressed since the split but hubby has dismissed this. I'm am doing all I can to help him through. The poor kid has been through so much. He knows that dad is dating ow. I have not commented on this to him. He seems ok with it but after so much, he is always guarded with his responses. My two little ones aged 4 and 2 are little bundles of joy and I have done everything I can to minimalise the impact on them. My two year old has not slept alone since hubby moved out (prior to this she always slept alone) They both know they can call daddy when they want. As far as I know they do not know about ow but I know hubby is trying to get ow to meet them - she is reluctant.
I do not know how to broach ow with either my 13 year old stepson or my four year old.
I will take your advice and only let hubby see the kids at his house. I am so scared of hurting them He see's them every Saturday when they stay with him. If he asks to see them more at his house I would be happy for that. can't bear the thought of the little ones going through what stepson went through and I don't want to put pressure on stepson either. He knows affairs are wrong but his mother has had so many partners that the poor kid doesn't know up from down, let alone right from wrong, despite this, he is a delightful young man. It's a bloody miracle he's turned out so well.
I can't expose to her family or friends as I don't know them. She has no facebook page and we have no one in common except for my hubby.
Financially I'm doing everything myself now (he is giving me a little child maintenance monthly) I do not want to divorce but it seems in the uk you have to get the finances sorted so I have filed. He has no keys to the house and no way of getting in. I learnt the hard way right at the start when I let him babysit at the house and he took some stuff (and strangely did my washing???) Anyway - since then he has not been in the house unattended.
His family love me and are shocked and devastated over our split and mostly they think he is an idiot but they are moving on and putting it down to "That's life" Hubby has been arranging for ow to meet everyone. They love their brother/son and although they don't like the situation they love him and so are meeting her. They are lovely so I know that despite their own personal feelings they will be nice to ow. Sister in law decided to have a bbq a couple of weeks ago, invited hubby (and therefore ow) and I was not invited as I guess it would make everyone feel awkward. This depressed the hell out of me but what can I do? I think he is trying to replace me in every aspect of his life. She seems reluctant.
I promise to read the templates about telling his work and think about it. I feel so good and proud of myself at the moment for dealing with the crazy that this feels too much like what hubbys previous ex would have done and she was all about the crazy.
I will definitely write a letter and post it on here first.
Plan B all the way!!!
Thank you all so much and sorry for writing such a lot

How soon can you get a judge's ruling to get proper maintenance and his share of the household expenses paid? Surely UK law doesn't let wives and children go without money until the divorce hearing, which could be many months away.

Have you contacted the Child Support Agency?

He is paying child maintenance. No bills, no mortgage etc. He is paying about what the child support agency would ask him to pay anyway.

I am sorry he is "ok with it." What an utter tragedy. You can help him become NOT ok with it. It is not normal to be "ok" with corruption, surely you can see that? I would suggest you speak to him and explain why adultery is immoral. His father is being allowed to corrupt his morals and he will grow up profoundly morally confused. You can help him with this by explaining why it is so destructive and how much it has hurt you and your children. The same thing with your 4 year old. She needs to be told that is all wrong. Both of them know this is wrong, but they need an adult to validate those instincts and explain WHY it is wrong. The OW is their mortal enemy and they need to be prepared for this.

It is crazy to enable an affair and help the affairees keep it secret. What you have to do is what is best for your marriage and your children. Keeping it a secret is not helpful to either. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy so keeping it a secret only helps the affair, not you.

You can't make your decisions out of a fear of what people will call you. You have no control over what some crapwit calls you behind your back. They don't care about you, after all, and don't have to live with the consequences. So their approval should mean nothing to you. Your goal here is to save your marriage, not to garner the approval of crapwits.

Ok It seems that after all these months I have finally found her facebook page - I didn't think she had one but I've literally just stumbled upon it.
I understand the point of exposure but the thought of contacting all those people terrifies me. I'm pretty strong and not scared of anything usually but sending emails to complete strangers telling them that their friend/relative/co-worker is having an affair with my hubby is scaring the bejesus out of me. I don't really know what I'm scared of. Not her and not him. I think i'm scared his family will think I'm insane or bitter or something.
Ok I'll have a good think about it and pluck up the courage. I will do it in the next few days. If I'm going to do plan B at what point do I do these things and in what order? Timeframe please!!!

I would make a copy of all of her contacts TODAY and paste them into a WORD doc for safekeeping. Can you do that TODAY?

Also, start working on your exposure letter and post it here for feedback. You also have to be prepared to pay $1 for every message you send. You will have to make a list of the most important contacts, starting with family members and then go onto married people. Select about 50 people who seem key to her.

You will then have to go their pages, click on "message" and send the message to each person, one by one. you have to pay $1 per person or facebook will send your PM to a spam folder. Can you do this?


This is not your problem. You will get great support from some quarters and others will condemn you. You have no control over the reactions of others.

You have to do the exposure first and foremost and it is best to do it all in one day, so the waywards do not have time to spin things and make YOU look crazy.

NEVER threaten exposure. Just DO IT.

Email some of these people if you have their emails, it will save you the $1 from FB.

I would carve out a 4 hour timeframe to do your exposures. Send your workplace exposure and your facebook exposures all on the same day to get the maximum effect.

Expect your husband to go crazy. It will be like you brought a crowd of people into the crackhouse to watch the crackheads. Don't take his calls while you are exposing but when he gets through later just calmly and politely say you were "spreading the good news. " Don't let him upset or scare you.

You can go into Plan B a few days later. That will give you time to get your ducks in a row.

Make sure you do this from a regular computer and not from a smartphone or a tablet. You won't get the $1 messages unless you're on a regular computer.