Can you tell your boss what is going on and arrange to work from home? That alone would probably disrupt the affair.

I wish I could, but due to the nature of my work I have to come in to the work site.

I'd at least tell him what's going on. You need support.

I actually have told him. He's a great guy - young guy, Christian. He has been very very supportive. He has said I could go "in the hole" with leave if I need to. I really have gotten great support from many people. Unfortunately the one person closer to me than any other has really screwed me over.

Take him up on that. Let people help you.

That is fantastic that he is so supportive!

Get the SAA book and read it as soon as possible, okay?

I would take him up on his offer and fight the A. You'll be no good as an employee until the battle at home is won. At the very least, start coming home during the day randomly and unexpectedly to check on her and make it clear you expect her to be able to account for where she is. Put GPS on her phone to track her.

You don't want her feeling comfortable and happy about her ability to have her cake and eat it too while you are at work. Make it clear that she has a protective, smart, loving husband whom nothing will get past.

I can't remember - is someone keeping tabs on OM? His W? Use all tactics to keep them apart.

Pius, any news? How are you doing?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair, yet, or are you still dragging your feet? With every week, every day that ticks by, the affair grows more entrenched.

I really need to talk about my marriage, not sure if there is anything I can do

Hello praying4mymarriage, please start up a new topic by clicking on the "new topic" button and start up a new thread. If you will describe the problem we will try to help you. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I know I promised to order the book over the weekend, but the whole weekend was a blur. And yesterday was just huge. I am still in shock over what has happened. I will try to sum up as best I can. We have had a female friend of my wife's living with us for the past year, and yesterday she finally moved out. My wife went into hysterics and called her mother over. Her mother, sister, grandmother, and best friend came over. My wife was literally bawling the whole day. But she agreed to end the affair. She gave her sister her cell phone, after sending OM a text saying it was over and she never wished to see him again. Her sister read the text. She also went through the house and gave them the hidden gifts OM had given her and her secret journal. However she has said she is not ready to work on the marriage. As far as I know my wife still hates me, as she must have to have done those things. I obviously still don't trust her and it will be hard for her to stay away from him still. As I said he lives right in the neighborhood so there is little I can do. Today she is going over to her mom's house in the morning so hopefully at least today she won't see him. I am just sickened after having learned about all of the stuff he gave her and the extent of their relationship. The phone she was using to contact him was one I had given her on our 15th anniversary. She also went to his house that very evening.

I will order the SAA book and review the materials as soon as I'm able to get some sanity back - I promise.

I think that if she ever wants to actually work on our marriage then we will have to move out of the neighborhood.

That would be huge. But would she agree to do that?

So all of this went down as far as the NC text etc without you being present? Her confessions were to everyone but you?

It is time for you to take action. Time for you to stand up for your M. Time to give her your Just Compensation requirements and what you would need to recover this M. Recovery would require BOTH of you to learn all about Dr Harley's program and implement it completely.

Do this now or she�ll just dance around going nowhere and end up back with POSOM.

Yes to everyone but me. She probably still hates me. She was probably just crying over the pain of having to break up with POSOM. She has said she is not ready to work on the marriage so I'm not sure what else I can do until she is.

Do not flounder around. Work on the M or not she is still married and as such there are EPs she needs to have in place.

You are in charge here Pius. Not her. She is a lost confused, addict driven girl and she needs you to guide the way.

Just because you are going to take action doesn't mean you're going to do things to make her more angry. Plan A means being pleasant and doing the things she needs you to do to fall back in love with you ... but she also needs you to be the hammer that guides the M to recovery.

The Carrot and Stick of Plan A. Someone will be along to post the link I�m sure.

This is textbook wayward nonsense. You've taken the crack pipe away and she hates you as much as a toddler does when her favourite toy is taken away. But you are really restoring her sanity.

As to your update, excellent work Pius. I know the triggers of all those gifts will have hit you very hard, but getting rid of them is a very, very good days work. YOU achieved that with exposure! You've detoxed the house with a bit of luck. It's all looking great.

Some anti depressants will help you focus for the next stages.

Your first priorities are eating, sleeping and rest. Not so easy for a BS but very important. Avoiding lovebusters, and not becoming emotional around your W is also necessary. Taking leave from work may be needed. Aside from that:

1) get anti depressants
2) Make an appointment to get great legal advice - tell the lawyer you may possibly separate but you are trying your hardest to remain with your W if possible. Just get a heads up and prepare for all eventualities.
3) Then order SAA and listen to radio clips Markos suggested.
4) Present her with your conditions for her to remain in the marriage.

Everyone is capable of having an A. It is an addiction. Addicts are capable of anything.

Women who hate their husbands dont cheat, they leave.

This is the usual letter given regarding conditions for the WS to stay. In your case I have added one extra, no 7 as the conditions should also include a change of home.

Dear W,

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a loveless marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OM for life - send him a letter that we write together and is mailed by me (if she mentions the text, just nod, thank her for doing that but tell her she must write a letter approved by you too)

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords,finances etc

4. No more opposite sex friendships

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

7. Moving to new neighbourhood.

This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back, these precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that we can rebuild our marriage using these requirements