Note: Her response to the conditions (or her reponse to you right now) does not matter AT ALL. It is merely part of your plan to state conditions and split up the A. Her response to you is up to her, but your conditions are up to you. State tehm, that's all.

For top MB marks, respond positively and respectfully to any negativity/craziness/addiction.

I am sorry your A has caused you pain
I am sorry your A has embarrassed you
Your choices are up to you
Would you like a drink?
I am going to fix a snack, want some?

Thanks for the advice. Maybe I will give it a day or two just so she can get to the point of rationality and then I will approach her with these things. Yesterday she was literally in hysterics and was in no position to talk about much of anything.

Pius, what you are telling us - is fantastic news! It is fantastic that the affair appears to have ended.

I strongly encourage you to try to talk to Dr. Harley directly on his radio show as soon as possible, and also to get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as possible. You do not want the affair to get started again or another one to take its place. Among other things, you are right that you will probably need to move.

Your wife being hysterical right now is very typical. The source of her addiction has just been taken away. She will probably say some horrible things that she will likely regret later, just as she will likely regret the whole affair later.

In the meantime, you need to be getting educated. Saving a marriage is a complex skill, requiring quite a bit of knowledge and practice. It's more like learning to play the piano expertly than like learning to tie a shoe - lots and lots of things that need to come together.

You can contact Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce at their radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com I strongly suggest that you NOT wait for the weekend and NOT wait for things to cease being a blur.

Congratulations, sir - by your proactiveness, you have helped to end your wife's affair. The benefits for her, your children, and yourself are astronomical.

I don't understand the connection between the friend moving out and your wife being hysterical over the affair. Was the friend helping to prop up the affair? What prompted your wife to call her mother and talk about the affair and end it?

DO NOT spend that day or two doing nothing and waiting to see what will happen. START getting educated.

Meanwhile, keep snooping to see if the affair has really ended or has just gone further underground.

No, no, no. Where did you get the idea you are supposed to talk to her? That wouldn't do any good at all.

And are you expecting her to be rational in a few days?!!

Your wife will be completely useless to you for quite some time. You need to work YOUR plan for the marriage on your own. Right now.

Waiting for the drunk to suddenly wake up and drive the recovery bus on the straight path just isn't going to happen. It's up to you.

It was probably from this statement I made to him.

I assume he took that to mean he needs to talk with her and get her agreement she needs to do SOMETHING. Pius I was jumping the gun a little bit on this one. You will discuss EPs with your W once she agrees to work on the marriage. Sorry about that.

Pius, do you have that book, yet?

I just noticed that tomorrow is the memorial of Pius X and thought of you immediately. Praying for you, your wife, and your children, friend.

Hi, Pius - it's good to see you reading and posting others' threads. You will learn a lot from seeing your situation compared to others'.

Did you read the helpful posts above that were made since your last post?

I did read the posts above, and yesterday I placed my order for Surviving an Affair. I got the two day shipping option so it should be here on Tuesday!

I am doing some snooping but it is going to be hard for me to assure that the affair does not continue since POSOM lives in the neighborhood and I work during the day. I'm a bit concerned about this. I want to believe my wife is sincere but you never know for sure.

Also my wife turned in her cell phone, which is mostly good because she was using it to contact POSOM. However because of this I obviously can't install any spyware on it, or make use of its GPS or use it to call her at random times. These are all things I've seen suggested in other threads.

Why not put spyware and GPS on it and change the number and give it back to her (with all OM info deleted)?

Also are you going to be moving?

Great idea.

Pius, I have not read all of your thread, but you are moving, correct? How much longer will you be in the same neighborhood?

I do want to move but there is just no way to get that done quickly. We own our home now so we would have to sell it, and then find a suitable new home that can house our 7 person family.

Is your home on the market now? Houses are selling fairly quickly now. My own sold in 33 days. If you can't sell it quickly, perhaps you could rent it out? What are your moving plans?

Pius, here is your dilemma: you can't even START recovery until you move. Your wife will be remain in a state of perpetual withdrawal as long as you live there with the OM. So moving has to be the FIRST STEP. That is STEP ONE. You can't do STEP TWO until you have done STEP ONE.

Getting out of there has to be your first step. Your wife will NEVER want to work on the marriage with you as long as the OM is right there hanging around.

Do your kids all know who this rat is? Have your kids expressed their disappointment about her affair to her?

They do know who he is, and I have told them all to say something to me if they ever see him around. I told them he is an enemy of our family.

I do realize we have to move, but there is just so much involved with that. My wife keeps saying she can't have the house ready to show unless it is completely empty. It is just so overwhelming.

So they know specifically he was having an A with their mother? They know the full story? Will they express their disappointment to her?



You drive recovery. Not your wife. You make the move happen. Not your wife.

Your wife is the wayward, remember? Don't expect her to do anything helpful.

It is overwhelming. You don't have time to be overwhelmed though, unfortunately.

The longer you stay in that neighbourhood, the more you and your marriage will weaken, so GET OUT.

Its really not overwhelming, Pius. It takes about one day to get a house ready unless you have repairs that need to be done. I would write out a plan, and call a realtor TODAY to get working on it. You can't afford to sit around and wait for a reluctant wayward to do something she doesn't want to do.

Start going through your closets TODAY and bagging up old clothes for Goodwill. You can get this train started. The house does not have to be empty at all. It has to be uncluttered.

Dont' let your wife drag this out.