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Other issue is that my 2 poor boys are asleep in their bedroom right now and my car is a 2-seater... my next door neighbours would help me but both their phones are sent straight to answerphone and I don't want to go banging on their door at 3:50am on a weeknight.
spokeo looks useful but I'm in the UK and it only works for the US. Can't find an equivalent site for the UK.
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If you could find his house, you could go there and confront them, though. That would save you a lot of time and snooping catching them together. It would be proof positive of an affair. You would still need to find a way to spy on her, ie: GPS, VAR, etc.
Do you know where he lives? Not exactly, but I know he lives in the next village and it's not that big. Eventually I would happen across the car if I were to go looking. What time is she supposed to be home? How about waking up the kids before that time [or your neighbors] and going to the tattoo man's house? Can you take the day off?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She said she would be home by 6 as that's when I have to get up for work. It's 4:25 as I write this.
I like the idea of going over to the house, but realistically I don't know if I'd find it before that 6am came around anyway.
Of course if she isn't back at 6 then we have a whole extra issue as well.
I will almost certainly take the day off work today.
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Let's discuss what you plan on saying when she comes in so you can get the truth out of her.
When she walks in, I would tell her the gig is up, that you know the truth and want her explanation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think I could put it quite like that, but I would say, "I think you're having an emotional affair if not worse". Then mention the fact she has spent the night elsewhere with someone I specifically said is a threat to our marriage, and lied to me about it directly to my face in order to get me to go along with it.
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I don't think I could put it quite like that, but I would say, "I think you're having an emotional affair if not worse". I wouldn't say that at all. First off, she isn't having emotional affair and when you accuse like that you just show her hand and tell her you don't know. When you do that, she is free to lie. She just spent the night with the dude. Tell her you know what she did and ask for an explanation. Let HER explain. Then mention the fact she has spent the night elsewhere with someone I specifically said is a threat to our marriage, and lied to me about it directly to my face in order to get me to go along with it. She already knows this though. This is not news to her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"I know you weren't at Sally's and I know you spent the night with JoeScumbag. I would like an explanation."
When she confesses her affair I would demand she end her affair and agree to never ever see this loser again.
I am pretty sure you can get that. Once you get that, go to bed and get your sleep and then come back here. We will give you next steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thankyou. Thats the current battle plan.
The only thing that worries me is, what if she is not having an actual affair? Or at least not in the sense of the word that she understands (ie sex) but instead what I mean (fostering emotional connection with someone other than spouse)? I can't just argue until blue in the face that she is having one, if she's not, right?
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Thankyou. Thats the current battle plan.
The only thing that worries me is, what if she is not having an actual affair? Or at least not in the sense of the word that she understands (ie sex) but instead what I mean (fostering emotional connection with someone other than spouse)? I can't just argue until blue in the face that she is having one, if she's not, right? She is having one. You can stop worrying.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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? Or at least not in the sense of the word that she understands (ie sex) but instead what I mean (fostering emotional connection with someone other than spouse)? Is she from Arkansas??  ["it depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is."]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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(fostering emotional connection with someone other than spouse)? If she tries to use such psychobabble gaslighting, just keep her focused on her affair. Don't let her gaslight you and talk smack.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thankyou. Thats the current battle plan.
The only thing that worries me is, what if she is not having an actual affair? Or at least not in the sense of the word that she understands (ie sex) but instead what I mean (fostering emotional connection with someone other than spouse)? I can't just argue until blue in the face that she is having one, if she's not, right? She is having one. You can stop worrying. How can I be sure of that with what little info I have? (I appreciate this is what you've been saying). I know she is turning to another man for emotional support, and lying to me about it. However I pride myself on being a reasonable man and I always try to see the best in people. There is a perfectly rational explanation where our marriage is still in trouble, but not actually smothered by the weight of affair - at least at the moment. However I also hear what you're saying and that the chances are that it's already happening/happened. I just can't go into a discussion/argument with a viewpoint unless I truly believe it, and I don't, because I can't make that leap to acceptance right now, it's too horrifying. I suppose this is your point.
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When your wife is sneaking off and spending the night with a strange man, she is sleeping with him. You don't need pictures or movies to know that. There is a perfectly rational explanation where our marriage is still in trouble, but not actually smothered by the weight of affair - at least at the moment. Women who are merely in unhappy marriages don't spend the night with men, they are working to turn it around. Women who are having affairs do this. A woman who is unhappy in her marriage would be home working on it. A woman who is in an affair doesn't care about her marriage so she doesn't work on it. To believe otherwise is not rational or objective. I am sorry. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think that's probably what I needed to hear. But jeez, hard to take.
Zero hour approaches.
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I think that's probably what I needed to hear. But jeez, hard to take. I know. And I am so sorry, my friend. I hate driving this point home, but you need to accept this in order to fix the problem. You can't fix the problem if you don't accept reality. You are doing just great! Have you eaten?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I ate some cereal just now to try and keep myself going. I only had a piece of bread last night because my wife wasn't hungry and I was trying to get us to work on the Emotional Needs questionnaire. So, it was probably about time to eat something.
I am concerned with how I will handle her irritation/rage. I have always been bothered by it (when it's come up a few times in the past) but I am a calm person and I can separate myself from it. However I now face the concern that making things uncomfortable will simply drive her away again. I don't want to be a doormat, of course, but I don't want to force another round of unpleasantness in before we get back to this point and have to try from here again.
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Don't allow her to bully you with her rage. She is probably used to getting her way with that tactic. Just remain calm, respectful and FIRM. If she sees you backing down when she plays the rage card, you are not going to get very far.
This is going to be unpleasant. Just imagine that you are the bartender who is cutting off the drunk. He will be furious and enraged, but you know it is the right thing to do. Confronting your wife is the right thing to do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess so. Dreading this encounter like I have never dreaded something before because the stakes are so high. At this point I'm actually thinking I would be equally happy with either outcome - breaking up, or making up - as long as SOMETHING concrete happens and allows me to move on from this terrible place.
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The best outcome will be to get the full truth from your wife along with her commitment to end her affair for life. And that means never being in contact with him again. She might even try to negotiate something kooky like being "his friend." But you can't settle for any contact. And there can't be anymore nights out without you. Are you with me here?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am on board. It worries me that, based on our interactions in the last 24 hours, I can't exactly see her giving me that. In fact I can see her running for the hills at me stifling her, as she has done this evening.
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