Why don't you start gathering evidence, and then we talk about killing the affair? One step at a time ....

WE can't go on any theories. We need FACTS.

I don't think I can really expose, per se, because no definitive act has been committed - only failing to SHUT DOWN a growing emotional connection with someone besides your partner. Is that enough to send out all the exposure emails and letters and phone calls? [/quote]

No, this is why we have told you to get the evidence. You must deal in FACTS in order to move forward.

Sorry, guys. I appreciate you are trying to help me. These are uncharted waters for me, and scary. I have always found security in having a plan even for distant eventualities, and theorising about issues helps me to deal with them. It is difficult to deal with the prospect that things are hard and that I am not allowed to form a plan or ponder on the subject in the meantime until some other event, which is to a degree out of my control, happens.

And how do I deal with life in the meantime? Right now she is "staying at (female friend X)'s house to get some space" but I am unavoidably suspicious of an affair. I will try to verify in the morning. She promised to be home before I go to work in the morning, but until I uncover this unavoidable evidence of an affair, how do I carry on with day to day life when things are already strained and now I am suspicious of ultimate betrayal? I can't see any way beyond building myself a wall to detach myself from the whole thing but that surely just worsens the situation. I'm not sure how I will look her in the eye tomorrow.

Find out where she really is.
Why don't you take a drive? See if her car is parked out front ...

How about taking a drive right now and seeing if she is really at female friend x's house?

You will need to do some snooping as has already been posted to you. In the meantime, you plan A. That means no angry outbursts, not being disrespectful and being the best dang husband you can be.

Against all my instincts and fears I went to check.
No car there.
fNEOAINGEBGUEFENAds!!!!!!

It's possible there was a miscommunication as she has two friends with the same name and didn't specify which one. But, of course, I am deluding myself.

I did a bit more snooping and tried to find Tattoo Guy on her facebook messages again because I thought his address might be in there. The messages to him which I saw earlier are mysteriously gone.

How does Plan A work, then? I just keep being the best husband I can be and wait for it all to fall apart for her? I feel I've already been doing that. I have read everything on the site on the matter, but of course it's hard to see the wood when you're standing in the trees.

We do have a PLAN for you. We are very strategic about this. One that is based on FACTS and a recovery plan that is based on trial and error. You have no experience, so it is understandable that it is scary. There is no emotion involved for us so we are able to see your situation in a more objective light. That is how we can be of great value to you.

How does Plan A work? Get the evidence of the affair and come back here with the goods. We will not advise you to sit around and wait for it to fall apart.

Can you go find your wife? How about downloading a keylogger on her computer right now? you can download and install eblaster at spectorsoft.com

What can I achieve if I find my wife right now (3am)?
I will be angry, she will be resentful, I imagine even if adultery has occurred she will be asleep at this point. Is it worth pursuing or is it just going to make things worse and make her feel more trapped? Do I need to confront the fact that she lied to my face about where she was going, or is that something I have to deal with, or talk about another time?

Thanks for your support. She doesn't use a laptop she uses an iPad which I understand can't be easily keylogged, and her phone is an off-brand cheap Chinese one that doesn't have an app store or anything like that.

I suggest you dont confront her, you should just be gathering intel to find out who, what and where.

Here is info on plan A Carrot & stick of plan A

Check out the Operation Investigate for ideas on keyloggers, etc.

That first link was helpful, thankyou.
I am struggling, though.
I don't want to say I am perfect - for I don't believe so - but it doesn't look like there is much on the list that I am not already doing? (Though I appreciate there must be, to bring us to this point in the relationship). My wife doesn't feel she can tell me what I'm doing wrong because she doesn't think I am doing anything wrong, simply not enough. But I don't know how to do more, and it's especially hard when the reception is frequently cold, and has been for a long time. I don't think I lovebust particularly - I never make selfish demands (even to the point of self doubting whether I should make what is a genuine marriage-saving "request"), never make disrespectful judgements (because I hate it when those happen to me), NEVER lose my temper, am never less than fully honest, and don't believe I have any annoying habits - I have asked and she said no. So that leaves independent behaviour, which I guess she may feel, but I exhaust all possible opportunities for "together" behaviour with little to no response from her, so what choice do I have but to do something for myself at the end of it all? I don't want to, but if I don't, I will go insane.

If you could find his house, you could go there and confront them, though. That would save you a lot of time and snooping catching them together. It would be proof positive of an affair. You would still need to find a way to spy on her, ie: GPS, VAR, etc.

Do you know where he lives?

This is all a distraction right now and I am trying to keep you focused on uncovering the affair.

Not exactly, but I know he lives in the next village and it's not that big. Eventually I would happen across the car if I were to go looking.

Go to the OM's house, take a photo of her car in the driveway and then knock on the door and ask for your wife. Don't leave without her even if you have to call the police.

You can't google his address?

Tried it already, quite extensively, no luck.

Try spokeo.com