Great job!! I just want to make sure you are saying straight out that she is having an affair with JoeLoser [insert correct name] and has been spending the nights with him. Don't be ambiguous in your language, and use fuzzy language like "possible inappropriate relationship;" be straight up that it is an AFFAIR and she has been spending the nights with him.

Got that? You don't want to give your WW any cover. She is having an affair and is sleeping with him. Don't even argue that point. If she denies it, just tell her you know the truth and don't need her admission.

Here is what I sent to friends and family:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Wife and I. As some of you know, Wife has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been attempting to have, or actually having, an affair to some degree with a guy named Tattoo Guy who resides in Next Town Over, having now elected to spend two nights alone at his place instead of letting me try to work it out between us - if not having spent many more hours together before. He is himself the victim of a relationship breakdown in the past and has a young daughter. The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end, or even accept that there is an affair (which does not necessarily mean sexual contact but can be emotional betrayal as well). She sees him as just a friend but spending nights separate from your spouse in another man's house is completely out of bounds.

I want our marriage to recover from this affair. I have tried on my own to no avail. If you have any influence on my Wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with Wife to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support, and she will too, in the long run.

Warmest regards,

Venturi

Will her parents call the OM? I would ask her dad to call the OM and tell him there is no future for him in their family and he will be eternally hated by his family. If you can pull this off, it is good for the OM to get calls from people too.

If you can find their number, I would also be calling his parents and asking them to intervene.

See, this is what I was scared of!! Using ambiguous language enables her to deny the affair and allows others to dismiss you! Stop doing that!!

She is having an affair! Just say that. DO NOT QUALIFY YOUR MESSAGE!

I agree but accusing her of something that has not actually happened and I have no proof of happening besides admitting that they have physically spent time under the same roof undermines my entire angle of attack, does it not. She can simply come back and say she has not and will not ever touch him, and all of a sudden, I have nothing.

I'm not meaning to argue with you and I appreciate your input.

You are going to have to stop this, Venturi. A married woman does not spend the night with a man and NOT sleep with him. So just STOP!! You can use your logic and powers of deduction to come to the conclusion that she has HAD SEX with this man. So just stop it.

Now is not the time to employ denial. Any reasonable person can come to the conclusion that she has slept with this man.

I realize it is hard for you to accept, but please listen to those of us who have a more objective perspective. You don't need her admission and you don't need an actual video tape of them having sex to know they did. A woman having an "emotional affair" does not go spend the night at her OM's house and NOT have sex. That is a ridiculous assumption to conclude they didn't have sex.

I assure you they were not sitting up all night studying the bible.

Actually, you are wrong. Giving them wiggle room is way more destructive than presuming the obvious. Nobody is going to believe that she spent the night with Tattoo Guy playing Scrabble.

Bingo!! You just handed your wife a way out!

I suppose I am struggling to accept that because of how hurtful it is. I know I need to, but I don't want to, and I feel like a [censored] for thinking it. I appreciate this is how it all works... give me time. Being "hurtful" and "accusative" and "jumping to conclusions" isn't in my nature, even if they are totally reasonable assumptions to make I am reluctant to make them without proof. Hopefully I have not screwed things up too much, all the messages are already sent. We will see where things lead next.

Well of course she will come back and deny anything you say no matter how much proof you have. But the goal here is not to win a debate and prove to her that she's having an affair. The goal is for you to disrupt and end the affair, hastening its demise.

That's a perspective that hadn't occurred to me before, thanks.
Can I reel any of it back now or is it too late?

We need you to put aside these foggy, fuzzy minded notions and stick to TRUTH. All you are doing is giving her the ability to continue to deny truth. If you are denying the truth, I assure you SHE will deny it. It is destructive for you to avoid the truth of the situation because you have silly notions that the truth is "hurtful." You have to stop this. NOW. You are on the field of combat, fighting for your marriage and your children's family. You cannot afford to neutralize the only weapon you have: the truth.

Any rational person can deduce that your wife is having a physical affair with this man. That is not "jumping to conclusions."

In the future, in any conversations with anyone, including your wife, you need to STOP being ambiguous and flighty. Just say she is sleeping with this guy and stop beating around the bush.

Have you called her parents yet?

I'm going to, her mum said she is free to talk in about an hour. I have a great relationship with her mum as does she so I expect it will be a strong positive force.

I'm sorry. This is a hard standpoint for me to make and not one I have ever had to seriously consider before. From now on I will simply assume the worst and if ever things are resolved between us it's on her shoulders to prove to me there was never any affair. Is that the right attitude?

Dr. Harley often references a case he had where a wife caught her husband in bed with an OW, the OW jumps up and runs out of the house, and then when the wife asks the husband "What was that?" he says "What was what, you are imagining things." No level of proof will make any real difference. If your WW is inclined to deny, then deny she will.

Remember Venturi, she admits you've done nothing wrong. Ergo she has no excuse for this behavior. She's simply deciding to spend time sleeping at another man's house. Why? No one will believe she's just there as a friend because that isn't what's happening. You are going to have to accept this horrible truth as everyone made aware already has.

You've done a good job of throwing yourself into parenthood to help distract you from this nightmare. I encourage you to keep it up and be sure you do whatever you need to soothe yourself. I'm sure this is a horrible time for you.

WW may think this A is justified and try to explain her way out of it but POSOM will run for cover as part of this exposure. Keep up the pressure on them.

Exactly!! And we are not asking you to assume the worst, we are asking you to assume the TRUTH when there is ample circumstantial evidence staring you in the face.

I know this is hard for you!! We are asking you believe something you desperately do not want to believe.

Exactly! This is why I have told you to IGNORE everything she says and focus on what she DOES. Don't pay any attention to what she says. You do not need the admission of a liar to know the truth.

Venturi, I want to applaud you for the good job you have done in exposing the affair. You are making a stand for your marriage and I know this was very hard for you!! Tough situations require tough actions and you manned up to the challenge! You stood up for your little boys and they should be very proud of you.

Just keep on walking. This will be tough but I think you are made of tough stuff, my friend.

Like Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, keep going.."