Hello Everybody I know its been awhile since I posted. Everyone here has been so helpful. An update things are going pretty well, and I am sure everybody understands there are better days and worse days. I say that because dealing with the aftermath of what I did is never good, but we are doing much better.

A question I have is what do I say to her when she asks me if she ever meant anything to her. When I tell her she did I get told she must not have because I did this. She thinks I never meant any vows because I had an affair, and she thinks everyone is more important to me than she is. Of course these questions and statements are made in many different ways. It is not how I feel about her but I lack the ability to tell her how I really feel because I did this. How can I make her understand how I really feel about her? Even in spite of the fact I had an affair? Any advice would be helpful thanks.

Talking about the past, in any form, is the formula 'living in the past'. Dr. Harley strongly encourages that you never discuss past problems. Ever.


The way you can make her understand how you feel about her is to meet her EN's and eliminate any LB's that are present in your M.

Have you taken the EN's and LB's questionnaires?

Have the problems you both had prior to your A been resolved?

What MB books do you have?

How many hrs/wk UA time are you getting?

Are you using MB's?

It's probably best if you stick to one thread for your situation so everybody can answer your question in context.

Here's your answer: "My affair was the worst mistake of my life."

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair yet, and are you reading it? Have you listened to the Marriage Builders Radio show?


That's actually a misguided way to approach it. She will feel better when you make enough love bank deposits to cross the romantic love threshold. If you try to "make her understand," you are trying to shortcut the process, trying to reason with her logically instead of healing her emotionally.

A lot of marriage counseling is based on the idea that couples just need to realize that their spouse cares for them - and it doesn't work. No matter how strongly you try to make yourself understand/realize your spouse's love for you, it won't do any good if your spouse's care for you is expressed in ways that don't meet your needs (for example, a husband faithfully provides for his family's financial needs, but doesn't spend time with his wife in the conversation she needs), or if that care is accompanied by love busters such as abuse or an affair.

What saves a marriage is not realizations. What saves a marriage is behavioral changes. Focus on the practical changes you can make to your behavior that will make love bank deposits for her.

Thanks, and we have taken the love busters, and emotional needs questionnaires. We are doing that. I am not trying to live in the past, or make excuses. These are things she continuously brings up, and states, or asks. I just don't know what to say when she brings it up. I know its her pain that makes her think that, and I tell her constantly how much of a mistake it is (and it was the worst one I ever made) I guess I just don't know how to deal with these statements and questions. I love her, I always have, but she wont accept that I do because I had an affair. If I tell her that than I am automatically wrong. But I do love her.

I get what you're saying, Oakie. Her logic is probably something along the lines of "If you had loved me, then you would never have done something like cheating. Since you cheated, therefore, it means you must never have loved me."

The premise underlying the "If/then" part of that logic might not bear up under scrutiny, but I guess each person is entitled to define his & her own premises as life goes along, and I don't think you'll get very far by trying to deconstruct hers. That effort won't be time well spent.

Infdelity is senseless in lots & lots of ways. That makes it very difficult to explain even to one's self, much less to anyone else. (And as you may know, any attempted explanations can sound like excuses, and whenever it sounds like you're making excuses, the conversation is done...)

Some truths are that people mess up, and that sometimes they mess up pretty damned badly. We mess up because we get selfish. You got selfish. (Like I did.) As Markos suggested, it was the worst mistaken decision of your life -- because it was a wholly selfish decision.

Of course, you can explain that to your wife, and swear that you'll never, ever be that selfish again; but in the same breath, you need to express that you realize that it's only words, and that you understand that words (especially yours) don't go very far, and can't take the place of sustained actions from you today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next winter, next year, and beyond, and that that's the only way you can show her that you really mean it. You can try to tell her how you felt retrospectively, in the past, but it's not going to mean as much as showing her how you feel in the present & future will mean.

And it's up to you to follow through. That's what you can control.

It's up to her whether she wants to stick around to give you the chance to show her. That's out of your control.

Focus on what you can control.

Oak, I'm glad to hear that your recovery is proceeding, but what your wife is doing needs to end. She can't keep constantly bringing up the affair. I know - I did the same thing before I fully embraced MB.

Mr. Bliss and I would be having a fine evening, and then I'd throw in the wrench: "Why did you....fill in the blank." It would blindside him and it threw us both back to those horrible post-D-Days. I already knew the answer. I was just punishing him. Your wife is doing the same thing. This needs to stop. It is not going to help your recovery.

After I learned about Marriage Builders and totally understood the mechanics behind an affair, I was able to accept the craziness of my H's decisions during his affair. Maybe your wife needs to come here. Would she do that? I would hope she would be agreeable to anything that would help to recover your marriage - not just recover it, but build it into something great. Mr. Bliss and I have that now - it's not just our marriage, pre-affair. It's bigger than that. I would love to tell her what I had to teach myself: When all of your questions about the affair are answered, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. She might as well take out a gun and shoot herself in the foot.