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Joined: Oct 2009
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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting to others in need. Thank you
mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
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He says he won't get physical, but he is so irrational when he is upset. He has never raised a hand to me but I am not so sure how he would react to another male.
So how are you going to handle your situation? I feel like he has put me (or maybe I did by saying anything at all) in a terrible situation. He says a wife should answer any question the husband asks of her. And he is probably right but at what expense? At the expense of strangers to him? I have never once lied to him or hid anything from him (obviously), I do not snoop through his phone or emails because I have trust. In fact I've not even asked many questions about his past relationships because I believe they don't or shouldn't affect our relationship.
I've told him that I do not communicate with them, haven't in a very long time and that they do not live in the city we live in. Apparently that is not good enough for him.
The persons involved were (and I assume still are) a married couple. I was approached by them. I was recently out of a long-term relationship and was feeling experimental at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 huh? If only I had known what the future would hold.
He has never said he was ever cheated on. So what am I to do? Reveal names and pray he takes it no further or say nothing and end up divorcing over a past sexual experience? Seems so silly to me. Am I the one causing all the hurt and bringing us down???
And you know then I told him, I wasn't regretful about what happened. I happened, I moved on. But he has just beat me down verbally so much over it, now I just feel like the most horrible, dirty person. No, you are both causing issues. What is he right about? If he asks, you should answer with as much detail as he says he needs. Regardless what you judge to be rational, he gets to decide how much he wants to know. Your expectations that it be safe for you and your former partners are also reasonable. It appears that the judgments each of you are making are getting in the way. His desire to know is NOT irrational. When he is angry he is irrational, but that does not mean his desire to know is irrational.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704 |
He says he won't get physical, but he is so irrational when he is upset. He has never raised a hand to me but I am not so sure how he would react to another male.
So how are you going to handle your situation? I feel like he has put me (or maybe I did by saying anything at all) in a terrible situation. He says a wife should answer any question the husband asks of her. And he is probably right but at what expense? At the expense of strangers to him? I have never once lied to him or hid anything from him (obviously), I do not snoop through his phone or emails because I have trust. In fact I've not even asked many questions about his past relationships because I believe they don't or shouldn't affect our relationship.
I've told him that I do not communicate with them, haven't in a very long time and that they do not live in the city we live in. Apparently that is not good enough for him.
The persons involved were (and I assume still are) a married couple. I was approached by them. I was recently out of a long-term relationship and was feeling experimental at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 huh? If only I had known what the future would hold.
He has never said he was ever cheated on. So what am I to do? Reveal names and pray he takes it no further or say nothing and end up divorcing over a past sexual experience? Seems so silly to me. Am I the one causing all the hurt and bringing us down???
And you know then I told him, I wasn't regretful about what happened. I happened, I moved on. But he has just beat me down verbally so much over it, now I just feel like the most horrible, dirty person. No, you are both causing issues. What is he right about? If he asks, you should answer with as much detail as he says he needs. Regardless what you judge to be rational, he gets to decide how much he wants to know. Your expectations that it be safe for you and your former partners are also reasonable. It appears that the judgments each of you are making are getting in the way. His desire to know is NOT irrational. When he is angry he is irrational, but that does not mean his desire to know is irrational. Dr. Harley has at times said a spouse is irrational in what they claim to need. And if he is demanding information that can lead to physical harm to other individuals when the issue is something that happened before the two even knew each other, then it would be better to hold information until the partner isn't having anger issues.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Needing to know purely for his own sense of knowing 'who the foxes in the henhouse are' is NOT irrational.
However wanting information for the purposes of confronting individuals he has no business with IS irrational.
I can't shake the feeling he has purposefully put her in a Catch 22.
He knows she cant safely resolve the issue and so he will forever hold something over her.
She should promise the information but only upon his satisfying anger management experts as to his self control first.
That should scotch the Catch 22 nicely.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
If he found out her sexual past contained something that he can not handle he should of not married her.
If she sensed that her past caused problems for him she should of not married him.
Back in my day you were generally advised not to get into past sexual details. Though if one worked as a XXX dancer, worked the in the sex industry, or did something extreme such as had slept with almost half the town (almost the whole town if you were bi) it would be best to tell the BF/GF before the relationship got serious let alone married. Imagine some nerd finds out the girl he married did everyone on the football team. The same team he tried out for and did not make. That is he did not find out until he overheard the remarks about his wife's past.
It was best to keep questions and answers on a general level.
Her husband needs to know?
Yes, to watch the hen house from being raided.
To confront?
No, She volunteered for the duty. Nothing to confront. You would not confront a past BF that banged your wife before you ever knew, met, let alone even saw her for the first time.
This husband has mental issues. I doubt they will get better.
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,171
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Joined: Aug 2000
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He has every right to be upset about your past and every right to be appalled and not to be with someone who engages in things that he wouldn't.
However, the time to say/do something about that was before he married you. Either it was a deal breaker or it wasn't.
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 78
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 78 |
I believe that Melodylane and Brainhurts have given you some really good advice and I would read and listen to the clips they sent you.
Just to be clear, if this all happened way before you met your H and you have NC with these people, then the thread Gamma posted is completely irrelevant to your situation because these people are not OM's.
You did not cheat on your husband if you had not even met him yet.
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