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She refuses to commit to our marriage. . My wife says that her and I are separated. She says she has no choice to make. I am very unsure as to why you are quoting an addicted wayward as though anything they say matters. She could have been facing the consequences without your listening to her at all. She could have been finding her way out of the affair without you listening to a word she said. I suspect your plan has been the 'I will listen to her in the hope of hearing something good' plan Which is folly. While she has your money and his attention - her tune will not change. My focus always has been on God. That's is the only reason I have stayed this long. But you could have focused on God and reamined committed to the marriage in Plan B. You only served the Affair by staying and funding her bad choices.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I know that God has a plan for all of us. Jeremiah 21:11. I love my wife but do I really love her if I divorce. That is a nonsense question. The right question is why you haven't done something about it. Do you think this is good role modeling for your children? Do you think it helps your wife in any way to enable her? Like she told you, she has no choice to make BECAUSE SHE HAS ALREADY MADE HER CHOICE: BOTH OF YOU!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What do you care if you 'really love her' if you divorce?
Love is not a thing that is unsupported by other things.
Basic Concepts on this site includes the Love Bank which is filled when Emotional Needs are met. The Love Bank will lose love if the Emotional Needs are not being met and there are Love Busters happening (your wife seems to be not meeting your Emotional Needs and Love Busting....being disrespectful to you).
Read up on the Concepts.
If you divorce your wife, you will always have some feelings of love for her.
But staying in a marriage where a wife is not willing to work with you to be a romantic team member is
just sad.
Stop playing the dysfuntional game with her and start reaching for true righteousness.
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So why are you ignoring his messages and plans for you?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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* Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Do you believe it is God's plan for you to enable a cheating wife? God cannot fulfill his plans for you when you are enabling a cheating wife. He will not override your will to avoid conflict at all cost. He will not FORCE you to stop associating with evil. You have to make that choice. Ask yourself if it is His Will for you to associate with works of darkness? Is it His Will for you to expose your children to this? What about Ephesians 5:11 about having no part of the works of darkness? Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Uh-huh. I'm familiar with the verse. There are a lot of them in the Bible. Now. What have you DONE to kill the affair? We suggest: 1. NC letter to the AP 2. Complete exposure to everyone who can help hold her accountable 3. Close all avenues that helped facilitate the affair; if there was electronic communication those means must end. Example: delete Facebook, Twitter, etc., if they communicated online. Via phone? Change her number and slap a monitor on her phone WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE. Heck, while you're at it, get a keylogger on her computer. Again, WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE. 4. Complete transparency: you need to know for a fact where she is at all times. Consider installing a GPS unit on her car. 5. Complete honesty regarding her affair - as much info as you require in order to feel safe. Where they went, what they did, etc. 6. (And this is a biggie): the two of you need to spend 25-30 hours a week together in time spent only with each other, pursuing enjoyable activites together. I don't mean watching TV. I mean Undivided Attention. She is refusing to spend any time with you and is belligerent about her actions. She's already told you that she is going to follow HER version of God - she's saying that she isn't interested in recovering your marriage. That's not to say it can't happen - you just need to understand that you're going to have to take the lead in recovery. And you'll need to be firm about it. Wishy-washy isn't going to work. You need to pick up those tools you gave back to God, apologize to Him for your rashness in refusing them, and get to work. FTL, have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? Did you read the Start Here First thread at the topic of this forum? It will help you to read these.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The affair may have ended but she refuses to commit. I am left with the only option to go into plan B or file divorce. She refuses to follow Gods way of marriage, I have no hope.
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The affair may have ended but she refuses to commit. I am left with the only option to go into plan B or file divorce. She refuses to follow Gods way of marriage, I have no hope. Stop fleeing to the abstract to justify your inaction. God is showing you the way - right here and now.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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The affair may have ended but she refuses to commit. I am left with the only option to go into plan B or file divorce. She refuses to follow Gods way of marriage, I have no hope. I've bolded the part of your quote that confirms that you haven't a clue about the affair. She refuses to commit because she doens't have to. You've made that plain to her. Now. Again. What have you done to kill this affair?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The affair may have ended but she refuses to commit. I am left with the only option to go into plan B or file divorce. She refuses to follow Gods way of marriage, I have no hope. I agree.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is this you on this clip? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3872#"Mike writes he is serving in Afghanistan and his wife of 2 years is having an affair. The wife of the other man sent Mike photos to prove the affair is happening, but says that Mike should leave his wife because she wants her husband to be happy with Mike's wife. The other couple is getting a divorce. Mike wants to save his marriage, but is having an emotional affair and his wife had sent Marriage Builders an email previously."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's is the one clip and the other was May 28, 2012. They had me confused with someone in the military.
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Is this you on this clip? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3872#"Mike writes he is serving in Afghanistan and his wife of 2 years is having an affair. The wife of the other man sent Mike photos to prove the affair is happening, but says that Mike should leave his wife because she wants her husband to be happy with Mike's wife. The other couple is getting a divorce. Mike wants to save his marriage, but is having an emotional affair and his wife had sent Marriage Builders an email previously." And the one from 7-27-11 says this: "Michael writes he has been married 6 years and they have 5 kids some together, and they each brought children into the marriage. His wife says she has no needs that need to be met, and he is being selfish by asking for all these things. Michael's wife is having an affair with an old high school friend. He has also been in contact with a friend of the opposites sex." There are critical differences in the story but there are also similarities. For example, each "Mike" talks about his wife's affair with her high school boyfriend. Both mention their own emotional affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's is the one clip and the other was May 28, 2012. They had me confused with someone in the military. ahhh gotcha!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So I take it the OM divorced his wife over the affair with your wife? His wife even asked you to step aside so they could be together. What happened with that? Why wouldn't she have already left you for the OM? How does she say the affair ended?
And how long have you been married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, OM has divorced. I didn't step down, I continued to pursue my wife. She didn't leave me because she claims to love me. She ended contact with the OM this past Christmas. The OM was furious and was contacting me and posting several photos of himself that portrayed anger and death. This leaves me to believe it has ended. Her and I attended over 30 counseling sessions. That's all that she did. A few months ago I asked her if she wasn't committed to our marriage to cancel the counseling, which she canceled. I continue to go by myself. The counselor believes that she loves me but has issues from her past that are causing her to react the way she is. For me, the counselor believes that I desire her love so much greater because as a child I wasn't shown much love.
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So what is your plan now? I am sorry to hear you wasted all this time in "counseling." It was a needless distraction from the problems. You probably had one shot to try and save this marriage and that one shot was squandered on an unqualified counselor.
The problem is not your wife's "childhood" but that she has a renters approach to marriage. She is only there to reap the benefits of marriage but is open to other men when something better comes along. Dr Harley even mentioned she was a renter in his response to your email.
Why do you think her affair with the OM ended? Could he not support her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, OM has divorced. I didn't step down, I continued to pursue my wife. She didn't leave me because she claims to love me. She ended contact with the OM this past Christmas. The OM was furious and was contacting me and posting several photos of himself that portrayed anger and death. This leaves me to believe it has ended. Her and I attended over 30 counseling sessions. That's all that she did. A few months ago I asked her if she wasn't committed to our marriage to cancel the counseling, which she canceled. I continue to go by myself. The counselor believes that she loves me but has issues from her past that are causing her to react the way she is. For me, the counselor believes that I desire her love so much greater because as a child I wasn't shown much love. Ahhh counselling. Now I understand why there has been such little action. Your counsellors aim is not to end the A or get you moving. Your counsellors aim is to keep the talking shop open and the money rolling in. Has one word of activity been mentioned by your counsellor? Ending the funding of the A for examlpe? It's common for counsellors to screw up marriages. They have a worse divorce rate than the general population because of their emphasis on literally doing nothing but making excuses. Childhood is a favourite wheel to spin, because childhood cannot be changed now! Dr Harley focuses on the here and now. And has the success rate to prove it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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The counselor believes that she loves me but has issues from her past that are causing her to react the way she is. For me, the counselor believes that I desire her love so much greater because as a child I wasn't shown much love. Here is what Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages, says about childhood problems: "An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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