The counseling was provided free at the church we were attending. The counselor really never touched the affair topic. Today, I asked my wife to leave our house if she isn't committed and that I will no longer enable such behavior. Her being passive aggressive, she refuses to accept responsibility and is constantly accusing me and blaming me. She is currently packing her stuff and says that I'm going down in court. I told her that God is with me and will protect me.

Remember the caveat: you get what you pay for...

Good. Is she out?

FTL, avoid statements like this:
Statements like these won't help you. She will immediately counter that God is on her side, as well.

Tell her this: "I love you and want us to have a great marriage. I hope you want this as well."

Where is she going, FTL?

BTW, I missed this, I think: how long have you been married? Do you have children?

Money has been an issue without her working over the past two years. I am left to file bankruptcy and may also loose the house. I was unable to pay for counseling.

She has not left and continues to pack. She also is saying that she will get the house and I will pay alimony and child support.

To make things more confusing, she has had an apartment for over a year. It is where her parents live, the landlord passed away and nobody oversaw the property until recently. She has not lived in the apartment but has stuff stored in there. A couple of months ago a new property owner took over and changed the locks. I discovered that her mother gave her the money for the first months rent so she can have access to the apartment but she used the money for other things.

I have told her that I want our marriage to work and hopes that's she does also.

We have been married over 8 years and have one child together. She had 3 children prior to our marriage (13, 22 & 24). We have a 6 year old together. My wife moved her 22 year old daughter and her daughter, who is 3 years old, into our home a few months ago without my consent. This has created a lot of problems because I never agreed to this and has caused even more financial strain upon me. She also does not work and uses the system to collect money and does not help with any bills or any chores.

Good lord man. File for divorce and unburden yourself. You're not going to win a prize for sticking it out.

Here's your other clip.
Radio Clip

Do you really love God if you don't listen to what His Son said about divorce and adultery?

I agree that you have right on your side - but why make that comment about God? It is not very respectful or loving to be that way with her.

Don't preach to her, for goodness sake, use actions not words. Let her find out for herself how tough she is going to find it.

For the love of all that is good, get a fantastic lawyer and get them to show your wife some consequences. Sometime's heavenly works have to be achieved through earthly means.

That's not a question on whether I really love God. I have the choice to divorce without guilt or sin even though God hates divorce. I chose not to divorce and to rebuild my marriage.

"God hates divorce" isn't a concept that applies in the context of adultery, though. Jesus made that clear.

"God hates divorce" was a message given to adulterous men who were abandoning the wife they had married. It was not a message given to betrayed husbands or wives when their spouses were committing adultery. Adultery is the cruelest trauma that any human being can inflict upon another. God does not hate people for leaving their marriage because of it.

FTL,

I completely support you if you want to win your wife back. I would be happy to help you in any way possible. If your wife is taking the right precautions to avoid letting anyone else meet her emotional needs, then if you do the right things to meet those needs, winning her back and restoring your marriage is very, very doable.

BUT, if she has hurt you too much and you don't want to try that, or if she is NOT doing what she needs to do to keep your marriage safe, NOONE will fault you for leaving. Not God, not us. God has not said one word in the Bible to dissuade a man in your situation from divorcing. Rescuing a man God created and loves from horrible trauma is not against God's love at all.

Don't linger in limbo. If keeping your marriage is the most desirable thing to do, then see your doctor about getting some antidepressants, and then talk to Dr. Harley about how to win your wife back so that your marriage will be a joy to both you and to her. Otherwise, get yourself and your children out and build a happy life for yourselves without her.

Either way, don't misapply God's love to keep yourself in a painful limbo.

Thanks markos for your input. I do want my marriage to work and my wife knows this and that I can not do it alone. I do not want to pressure my wife into doing anything she doesn't want to do. I don't give up easily. I still have an ounce of hope and I'm hanging on by a thread.


Update: I asked my wife to leave our home the other day because she hasn't been participating in our marriage. She has not yet moved out, possibly due to making living arrangements, turning on utilities and coming up with the first months rent on the apartment she had access too but wasn't living in or paying for.

My wife started working again a few weeks ago and doesn't come home until late. I may only see her for an hour or two at night. I haven't talked to her about our marriage or asked when she plans on leaving. I would consider myself to be in plan A until she leaves. What should I do if she doesn't leave or how long should I wait to bring it up? I want her to know that I'm serious about our marriage and do not want to enable her to treat me like a room mate anymore? If she doesn't leave and continues to neglect our marriage I don't feel that I should leave or should I?

I have been trying to win my wife back for almost three years. It seems like every time we took one step forward we then took two steps backwards. I am falling off the cliff now. My wife says that our marriage is beyond repair and I don't think she has the energy to fight but I still have some energy. To complicate things even more, there's another woman knocking on my door and I'm not answering.

If it is "complicating things", you are ALREADY in an emotional affair. Do you understand that?

...there's another woman knocking on my door and I'm not answering.

Not adequate! Your non-response is simply an invitation to this relationship vulture to KNOCK HARDER!

The way to dispose of unwanted solicitors is to confront them and order them off your property! (If available, bring your Doberman to make your point!)

"I am fully involved and occupied attempting to save my marriage. Your attentions are unwanted and inappropriate, so...STOP! Goodbye!"

Note: No "please" or "...at this time..." crap. Got it?

Is this the same OW you mentioned in your calls to Dr Harley in 2011 and 2012? You mentioned on both emails [emails were read on the radio] you were having an emotional affair with a woman.

The OW is the same mentioned in a previous call. The OW knows that I want my marriage to work and that there is to be no contact. I don't consider myself to be in an EA because I am not allowing anyone else to meet any needs of mine.

It's not confusing if you think of it as her affair house. That the 22 year old daughter wasn't offered the place is odd unless she would be getting in the way of other things.

Are you in an at-fault state? Can you get a PI to sit outside that apartment for a week?


Are you sure that this job exists? That she's really "working" during those hours that she is gone? Again, it's not confusing if you remember that affair house that she and her mom have set up.


Why not? Are you afraid that you'll piss her off and that she'll leave?

Here's a hint: she'll get really ticked off when you put your foot down, threaten to see you in court and really start raising hell about things until you back down and let her be.

Isn't that how she does things? Isn't that what happened when she told you that she was leaving but...well, nothing's really happened since then and you've quit badgering her about it as well. Presto! Her plan worked!


I'd write her a Plan B note and send her and her crap to her love shack. Let the OM deal with her. You and your children stay put and file for a divorce.

Better yet, file for a divorce, custody of the children, use of the house, seek alimony, seek child support and have her served along with the Plan B letter. If you've been dealing with this for three years, then I'd say that you are due a mental break from this drama. There is life out there, you know.

Oh, and knock it off with the lady next door. Besides the moral issues of you being married, your having an OW will negatively impact your case if you file. To any judge, it would be a true pot and kettle scenario.

Does your church know?

Matthew 18 spells out the process of church discipline. If a member remains in sin, you are to take the matter to the church. First to one, such as the pastor, and if she refuses to end her sinful behavior, which is her wayward behavior, more of the church is to be involved in confronting her. I.E. a wider exposure.

The goal is not to shame the sinner, but to encourage her to end the sin and return to the fellowship of believers.

But if she refuses, scripture says to treat her as an unbeliever.

Her legitimate complaints about the marriage can be addressed as well.

You say you trust God, so why not use the mechanism He spells out in Scripture to encourage her to actually do more than just pay lip-service to her so-called faith.