Read more about WHY God hates divorce. It's not the divorce, but the behaviors of those who cause divorce that he really hates.


Notice the context. God is speaking through the prophet about frivolous divorces. I.E. "my wife burnt the toast, so I need to divorce her and get a new wife..."

If you take scripture in full context, recall that even God divorced Israel. I think the most accurate description of the verse you quote is God hates frivolous divorce.

It will not work to your advantage, friend, if you lie to the folks here who are trying to help you. These two sentences, both of your authorship, cannot exist without contradiction:

...there's another woman knocking on my door and I'm not answering

The OW knows that...there is to be no contact.

Your ongoing lack of zeal for fighting for your WW's soul will not turn around while existence of the "OW-in-waiting" continues.

And one more thing, amigo:

I don't consider myself to be in an EA...

Neither did my Bride, until the love-note she had written OM was (figuratively) shoved into her face!

So you aren't talking with this OW at all?

Thanks for your feedback. Her 22 year old daughter doesn't have a job, so therefore she would be unable to have the apartment in her name. I believe that my wife's 22 year old daughter will live with her at the apartment if she moves.

We are in a fault state. My wife does work. She gave me her first paycheck towards the bills, which I was in shock.

I am 95% sure that her affair has died. I have checked up on my wife at times at her parents house, where the apartment also is, and have no reason to believe or suspect that she is there with the OM.

I am not afraid of my wife getting pissed off. I am putting my foot down. She has always done things to make me angry and when I express my feelings of hurt she has always avoided the issue and turned it into me creating drama.

A quote I wrote for her is: "Don't do things to upset someone and cause them to become angry and then use their anger against them if their anger originated from you."

I know I have every right to throw the book at my wife but something is telling me to keep fighting for our marriage. I am not desperate nor do I fear being alone. I rather be alone and single than married and alone.

Our counseling is provided at our church. My wife and I are not members of the church. I go to counseling next week and will ask if they can provide more support.

My wife says that she will follow God but not in our marriage and she will answer to Him and will be forgiven. I don't try to preach to her or judge her but I tell her that I disagree on her thinking and beliefs.

There has been contact with myself and the OW. This OW is like a fishing rod trying to reel me in and I told her NO. I am working on my marriage. She believes that God brought me into her life to save her from her marriage. I told her that I do not believe that God would allow such, He does not work that way. The OW H sent my wife old texts that I sent then OW long ago. I believe the OW wants her H to believe that there is something so he will move on. I do NOT want caught up in that mess. The OW H informed my wife that nothing was going on.

It has become a soap opera and I don't want involved. It's hard at times because I know there is someone out there who would meet my needs but I am resisting that temptation because I want that person to be my wife. What needs my wife can't meet I will let God meet those.

So have you gone NC with this OW? Have you changed your number?

Have you let her BH know what his WW is doing? When's the last time she's contacted you?

You're correct about the temptations. A BS needs to keep very high boundaries.

Did you know your wife when she was married to her first husband? How did that marriage end?

The OW knows that I am in love with my wife. The OW had sent me several messages last night saying that she was sorry for causing problems and will not bug me anymore. I did not respond and if there is anymore contact will tell her to stop and change my number and email account. The BH knows about her behavior and also knows that I love my wife. I have given them both advice to contact MarriageBuilders in the past. I have always told the OW to work on her marriage during the EA. Sometimes, I question whether it really was an EA on my part, but I did share personal stuff to her that only my wife should know.

My EA began shortly after my wife's OM BS contacted me and sent me proof of my wifes ongoing affair. The OW commented on a photo I had on posted on FB and asked how I was doing.

My wife's behavior does not relate to this OW. The OW has been out of the picture for over 8 months, except the recent contact.

I know I mentioned this in my email to the Harley's. I believe that my wife had so much guilt about her affair and didn't want to be blamed so she neglected me on purpose so that I would have an affair or leave.

I have asked my wife to meet my needs during her affair and told her that I could be tempted to go elsewhere.

She was never previously married.

Put some dates to this mess you have participated in, please!

My EA began shortly after my wife's OM BS contacted me and sent me proof of my wife's ongoing affair. Date?

The OW commented on a photo I had on posted on FB and asked how I was doing. Date?

I believe that my wife had so much guilt about her affair and didn't want to be blamed so she neglected me on purpose so that I would have an affair or leave. Date?

I have asked my wife to meet my needs during her affair and told her that I could be tempted to go elsewhere. Date?

BTW: This last is a disaster to your chances, dude. Let me paraphrase:

"WW, I'm committed to the sanctity and righteousness of our marriage and ask you to give up your life of shame and dishonor, but if you don't take care of me, I'm going to look to join you on the cheating side of town!"

Is that about right?

Radio shows that Findthelight has been on:

7/27/11 "Michael writes he has been married 6 years and they have 5 kids some together, and they each brought children into the marriage. His wife says she has no needs that need to be met, and he is being selfish by asking for all these things. Michael's wife is having an affair with an old high school friend. He has also been in contact with a friend of the opposite sex." here and here....

5/28/12 "Mike wants to save his marriage, but is having an emotional affair and his wife had sent Marriage Builders an email previously." here

You have some 'tit for tat' thinking that I would respectfully advise you tweak.

Tit for tat scenario #1: Give me poor treatment and I will give you anger.



We all decide to get angry all by ourselves. We are all in control of our reactions. Anger simply muddies the water.

I would suggest instead "When you treat me poorly, you will still see self control from me. However you cannot keep me if you keep this up - I will leave."

Tit for tat scenario # 2. Cheat on me and I will cheat on you.



This really is disgraceful. Adultery is never OK and two wrongs do not make a right.

I would replace the tit for tat offer with one of standing tall for what is right.

"I will never commit adultery myself and I will not stay in this marriage to stand for it from you either."

When I was contacted by vultures following my betrayal - I blocked them on Facebook and changed my number. Job done.

My thinking is not 'tit for tat' although, as an outsider it may appear in that way.

There is nothing wrong with anyone being angry and sometimes we have no control over our feelings of anger. It is how a person manages their anger and reacts. We don't always decide to get angry but we are in control of how we react. "What someone does to you is about them, how you react is about you"

It's not "Give me poor treatment and I will give you anger." It is more like "Give me poor treatment and it will cause me to become angry"

When I asked my wife to meet my needs and told her that I do not want to be tempted to go elsewhere. It was not meant as a threat in any way. I was being completely honest and open. I am responsible for my actions but she is also accountable. When I asked it was well into over a year of being neglected.

Again, my thinking is not 'tit for tat'... "Cheat on me and I will cheat on you"

Also, I never committed adultery.

Anger is a choice no one causes you to be angry. Have you read Dr. Harley's view of anger? Also you admitted to a EA so the tit for tat thinking is spot on. You said from an outsiders point of view. Isn't your wife an outsider, if she feels this way its quite valid. I really think your idea of causing anger is skewed and need to read the articles on it.

Are you implying that it is wrong to be angry?

Yes.

Not implying it. Saying flat out that it is wrong.



The temptations of an affair have nothing to do with the way our needs our met within. Your spouse could be in a coma and you would be expected to block outer temptations.

The temptataions are external. And only you can close the door on them.

It wasn't simply a warning or alert as per RH. Radical Honesty is not a way to get your spouse to meet your needs 'or else'. RH is a way of explaining why you can no longer see someone. However you never did close that door, this woman WAS in your life and remains there.

That is your decision and is a failure on your part to block a vulture. It has nothing to do with the separate issue of your wifes need meeting.

No one said you did! I suggested you pledge personal responsibility in protecting yourself effectively from the temptation of it.

This is likely to have far more success than introducing the rather dangerous idea that our spouse is responsible for keeping us faithful.

It would be all too easy for her to use your own dagger against you and say her affair is your fault.



And whose decision was it to withstand a year of neglect and make yourself weak?

Yours.

Anger and manipulation are control tactics used by those who are desperate and out of control themselves.

I am quite sure that at the time you felt you were backed into corner and had to resort to these desperate measures.

What you fail to see is that you remained of your own free will. There was a door behind you the entire time.

You will be far less likely to behave like a caged animal when you allow yourself an acceptable escape route.

When we are abused, we leave.

We don't join in.

Actually, emotional affairs are adultery. The evidence of an emotional affair here is very strong.