Hi Ya'll,

My H and I don't get on here much anymore, we are recovering nicely and doing great thanks to MB. I do lurk though and enjoy seeing the vets at work taking care of the never-ending problem with wayward spouses. Thank you vets!

I have a quick question..
Every year or so I do a quick check, online, to make sure a certain skank does not move anywhere near my home. It gives me peace of mind knowing "it" is far far away! This may be the last time I do it, we are going on 4 years of recovery and I'm getting to the point that I just don't care where the skank is.

Anyhow, I recently did my usual check and found a last name discrepancy, did a little deeper investigating, and found out that the skank was married when involved with FWH (she told him she was not) and, she filed for divorce a few months after meeting my H. She is now on her 3rd H.

Anyhow, I, of course, relished in the fact that it proves that she really is more of a scum than I previously thought.

Question is should I tell my DH? We never talk about those dark days anymore, and I don't think it would serve any useful purpose except to throw some more mud on the skank, making me feel better...but would it be bad for me to even bring it up?

So you're saying you just found out 4 years after your FWH's affair that OW was married during the affair? So does that mean her then H was never exposed to?

So that would be OW's 2nd H?

That is correct.

I found MB several months after DDay, and had already done my own exposure (not knowing the MB concepts) and NC letter.

I did not know the OM was M or I would have exposed to him as well.

Can you write Dr. Harley?

Do you believe that your FWH didn't know she was married?

So you have no idea that her BXH even knows about her affair with your FWH? I think the BXH deserves to know, but not if it jeopardizes your recovery.

It would be interesting to see what Dr.H would have to say.

I think he would say your recovery is the priority.

I could write the Harley's, didn't think of that.

My FWH did not know she was M. I did a thorough poly.


I highly doubt he knows.


My thoughts exactly. He does deserve to know, but not at the expense of hindering our recovery and bringing up all that "xxxx" again. I have (as rocketqueen says) closed that box and thrown away the key!

I have never emailed the show. I don't have time to be on it, but would they just answer email questions and I can go to the archives and listen?

to clarify BH,

The whole A was long distance, they only met 4 times, so it would not be difficult to hid her being M.

Oh yes write the show.

Yes, they will read your email on the show and then Joyce will email you with the broadcast link when they answer your question.

Please let us know when they answer your question.

LgTex,

Do you have the contact information for the XBH? He needs to be told.

My vote would be that you should expose to the OW's betrayed ex-husband. I've seen too many unrecovered couples, like LousyGolfer, where the excuses like "It's been too long" or "It will hinder our recovery" end up being an actual barrier for some reason to a full recovery. LousyGolfer was a little different situation in that HE was the supposed Former wayward spouse giving/posting the excuses, justifications and rationalizations for not exposing to his very own victim but it is/was, IMO, one of the primary reasons the guy remains stuck in wayward entitled thinking for years on end even while posting on MB.

I'd be willing to give a BS a lot more leeway whether they choose to expose or not....but merely ask...even after divorce, wouldn't you want to know???? It's probably why their marriage failed and yet he might have no clue and think he has a bunch of issues that were the actual cause. We know the OW was a whorable person so we can be sure she gaslite and blamed the X-bh for the failure. In fact, my wife's affair in 2005 was actually with an OM whose wife cheated on him as they were divorcing just months before he contacted my wife on facebook. All the signs were there but he wasn't sure she had cheated. That uncertainty I'm sure hurt him and wouldn't you know it...hurt people...hurt people so it played right into him undertaking an affair with my wife.

People deserve the truth about their lives...and you can provide it. You'll never regret doing the right thing.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

btw...

If you do it...perhaps consider a joint letter wherein your husband would be taking responsibility for his actions, explaining the circumstances (he didn't know), offering up a little proof so he doesn't think you are a crazy couple making things up and so his ex can't deny it and signing it together so he doesn't consider taking any revenge because in doing so he'd be hurting the other betrayed wife.

Approach it like they do in 12 step programs where you offer apologies and make amends.

Mr. W

I agree. I like Mr. W's suggestion.

Thank you for all the replies!

I am headed out for a weekend with H and kids. I will email the show Monday and let ya'll know what I find out!

Sorry BH, I didn't see your question the other day.

All I have is a name, a very common name. It would be very time consuming, and costly to track the person down. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it.

Update to today:

I decided to tell my DH what I had learned. He was a surprised but indifferent to the info. I asked him how he felt about it and he said "It didn't matter and he had no feeling about it". We talked briefly about it, then went on with our evening.

As to exposing to BH2, I cannot do that. The thought of it makes me physically ill and gives me anxiety. Even typing this, referring to it makes me sick.

I cannot voluntarily bring about any "fallout" that may occur due to exposure. It has been nearly 4 years and I can't go back "there" in my recovery. The emotional and physical toll was just too much and I never want to be in that place again.

I know some of ya'll will disagree and I respect that. I hear the argument about "he needs to know the truth", but not at my expense. Maybe a few years down the road I will feel differently.... but not now.