I also do want to say that I appreciate all the replies. This board is a little slower than the others, and I was worried I wouldn't get anyone on it. You all have been a big help for letting me talk about where I am, and my emotions.

Grs

This all sounds very, very normal to me.

I've had emotional pain that was so bad it became physical pain. It felt like my guts were literally being 'twisted'. You don't need three guesses to figure out it was due to a broken heart.

Love is a physical phenomenon. Your brain chemistry changed. It is no surprise that withdrawal will not just involve emotional thoughts of disappointment but actual physical syptoms too. Dont freak about that, it is normal. And it will fade, as the love will fade, because you plan to starve those feelings by not feeding it.

I wouldn't think of it as Plan B - Plan B is a very structured plan, a committed plan to give a spouse a chance of redemption while protecting yourself.

I would call it Plan Withdrawal because love is a powerful drug to go cold turkey from. Every week in which you keep NC is a week closer to a day with no symptoms of withdrawal

Thanks IG,

It truly is amazing to me that withdrawal will cause these kinds of pains. I do hope the love begins to die soon. For some odd reason, I felt more progress before the last time she texted and called than I have since. I know it was a setback, but an odd one in that I can't proceed too quickly.

And yes, I will remain NC. Nothing good can come from texting her. She has moved on with this Jason guy and will be happy till he does something to Piss her off. And I need to move on to save my sanity and eventually meet someone I really care about.

Just wish this could go faster.

Grs

You have a lot to do in the meantime. While you will do some grieving every day (and that is fine, that is part of the work of moving on) you have other stuff to do too.

EVERY DAY - you should do something cool and fun just for you, whether with friends or just watching a good movie on your own.

Listen to Dr Harley on the radio for an hour - use this time of low energy for learning about good relationships. I listen while washing the dishes

Plan. You need to look at job hunting and what makes you happy long term.

Journal your efforts in these areas here and you'll get excellent help, as I did.

Ok, I'm happy to keep a daily journal. That usually helps a little bit for me. Today hasn't been a good day. I keep thinking that I'm a real loser and for some stupid reason I'm trying to compete with this pilot guy. I'm not him, and I can't do the things he does, so I know I shouldn't worry about it. But I do. Feeling very self destructive today. Like I want to throw a mental tantrum or something. Act out, get the feelings out, something. Ugh.

And I do try to so something for me daily, it's just nothing is fun right now. I'm working on my r�sum� and hoping I can get it to a state where it's marketable.

Grs

I started cleaning the house COMPLETELY at that moment.
Very therapeutic! ;-)

Lol, trust me, my house is spotless. I get up randomly every 15 minutes and look around to see if there is anything else I can clean!

One thing I'm having trouble with is dealing with my emotions. I guess maybe feeling them. I'm so consumed by the anxiety that I can't get angry, sad, upset, whatever. I should be MAD at D, but I can't be. I should be SAD that the relationship is over, but I can't even feel that. I only feel anxiety. I know I need to feel my emotions, but I can't seem to bring them out. The anxiety is just completely over powering and it's all I feel.

I think I have something that makes me suppress or hide my feelings. I know some of it has to do with parents who are alcoholics, but I don't think the amount of anxiety I feel is normal... Or at least how I deal with it isn't normal. It's hard for me to communicate, but I just don't think I'm normal. I can't move on or feel things normally, even though I've got plenty of ammo to where I should be feeling things.

Anyway, I'm not sure any of that made sense, my brain is a bit of a jumble atm.

Grs

Also, obsessive thoughts actually get in the way of feelings too. The obsessive thoughts basically back up the anxiety, and I can't do anything about it. I can't get them out of my head. It's really strange.

Grs

Sounds as if you have a childhood protection mechanism kicking in here.

The three stages of grief are denial, anger, acceptance. Sometimes called numbness, disorganisation and reorganisation. Grief is not a disease, it is your brain remapping to the new reality in the light of what you now know. Respect the process and give your mind the time it needs. Be kind to yourself, your brain is very busy which is why it can be hard to focus.

Don't let that protection mechanism prevent you from doing this.

I received more texts from D. She told me that I was the worst person in the world and how I made everyone not like her. And how I made everyone think I was the victim and all that. Basically a lot of F bombs and such too. I'm not responding, but I've been extremely honest with all my friends. I guess she finally tried to reach out to one of them, and they shot her down. She's exceedingly unstable....

Grs

I also wanted to mention that I've told all my friends that I'm the reason this all happened and what I did was inappropriate. I've had to ask all of them for forgiveness because they were quite upset with what I've done. But I believe that D has come up with a fantasy where everything about me was cheating on her. Where all our 11 months were a complete lie. Sadly, it's not the case, I loved this girl more than any other. My friends know this as well. I'm the one who can't move on and is heart broken, while she's already hooking up with other men. But I've been completely honest with all my friends. I think she's quite mad that everyone doesn't hate me as much as she does.

I don't understand the hate though. To take the time out of her day to send me 9 text messages that are awful.

I'm pleased to say though, that I'm staying dark and NC. It's sad, because she hates me so much, and we really did have a beautiful relationship for a time.

Grs

As I said, you dodged a bullet - her current immature actions just make it that much more obvious.

AGG

Very unstable and immature.

I know you can't change your number due to work, but can you block it? Or the very least delete her texts unread?

Yeah, you are correct AGG. It still makes me really sad that someone I love so much, and spent so much wonderful time with making beautiful memories is the person who hates me more than anyone else in my life.

That truly is a depressing thought.

Grs

My work says they can't block numbers. They looked into it in the past. I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'm strong enough not to read them. I AM strong enough not to respond. But inside I still love her and am dying to hear a kind word. Regardless of how she treats me and the knowlege that I will never hear one again....

Grs

PS - good news is I haven't lost my job yet, and there might still be a little hope!

You know you aren't going to hear a kind word because she's unstable.

You don't deserve her abuse. What can we do to get you to not read them? Can you not to look at them and have someone else read them first?

While it IS great you aren't responding, reread what you have said here.

If you truly aren't strong enough to avoid reading a bunch of nonsense, then you HAVE to change your number.

Very important people change their numbers all the time when it is worth the short term inconvenience.

Either change your number or delete texts unread. You'll only be missing out on a daily dose of crazy. I promise you she will not be sending you any indepth revelations as to the meaning of life.

Set yourself a deadline of how long it would take her to get bored of no response. Then make a pledge to NOT read for that legnth of time at least. I think you'll be surprised when you discover that actually you are strong enough to do this. Also how much stronger you feel each time you do.

Ok, I'll have to read at least some of the first message, but I will be able to delete all the messages after. And sadly I usually like to keep a record of her texts. I take screenshots of them all and file them away in a special folder for my email. Just to remind me one day when I'm better, who she really was.

But I'll delete them from now on. I really don't need to read them, nothing good has come from her since mid July when she said she still loved me. Since then it's been manipulation and hate. Scary stuff from this girl. I still have no idea how I didn't see the signs when I was with her. Makes me really nervous to date anyone in the future. Even if I am one day able to find someone attractive, lol.

Grs

I'm guessing 2-3 weeks will be the deadline for her to get bored. My first instinct was a week with no contact back from me, which would have been today. But obviously she's really into hurting me. So I'll wait another 2 or 3 weeks. By that time, I don't anticipate her ever texting again since she's not getting any response. And I don't think she'll escalate either, like hunting me at my house. So by then things should just be done.

Grs

I also have the feeling, that each time a relationship breaks down from her, she'll come after me. Because it'll be my fault every time. Somehow, because we broke up (she actually ended things, I wanted to work them out), all her relationships that go poorly (and they will), will end up in my lap (my fault). Hopefully I'm wrong, but I just get that feeling. Somehow I put her mentally into a downward spiral that she's not interested in recovering from.

I don't know that any of you are Christian, but if you are, she's firmly stuck in the end of Romans Chapter 1 in the Bible. Makes me sad, because I did see a beautiful girl inside her at one point, I just didn't know that this girl was on the brink of disaster.

Grs