You need to have her write a NC letter and you send it.

Why hasn't she changed her all her contact information?

About the NC thing, her sister saw the text she sent him and verified that it was okay. You guys are right though - she needs to change email addresses. I wonder if Google will let you change your email address on gmail or if you need to open up an entirely new one and just stop checking the old one?

I waited until she responded to see what she would say to POSOM. Her response simply said "Thank you." After she read the email she was in tears and crying the whole evening. I sat down and talked to her about it and we had a long discussion about the affair and the various things she had done. She finally looked me in the eye and apologized. I told her if he ever contacts her again she needs to let me know. She seemed sincere but I will be keeping my eyes open as always.

And next steps are ?????

I suggest opening another Google account, and then changing the password of the old account to something that only you know, effectively closing it that way. Don't leave it behind as a temptation.

Sounds like your being worked. Follow the program, NC LETTER not text or email. You both write it seal it and mail it off together. She hasn't shown any accountability. My son cries when I tell him he can't have something. Her tears are a good remorse indicator but not a good follow through on her part and yours. You are glossing over the program, trying to pick and choose what you want like its a buffet. Was this sister against her actions or condone them?

1. NC LETTER
2. POLYGRAPH
3. Change of job if it was work related.
4. Do you feel you have all the details? If not refer to #2
5. Ask for a timeline of events and have her answer all your questions

Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

BrainHurts, you are right in everything you have said. As far as the MarriageBuilders plan for recovery, I'm wondering how to even go about it given the current state of things. I asked her to go out to dinner this past weekend and she wouldn't even do that. I don't see any way to get in 20 hours of undivided attention. As far as fulfilling her needs, I'm trying to give family and domestic support, which I think are important to her. I've been providing financial support all along as well. But she won't allow SF or affection, or even much conversation. Whenever I try to engage her in it I tend to get one word answers. She was very much in love with POSOM and has just totally shut me out of her heart, and it is very discouraging. I don't think she would follow the MB plan since she basically hasn't met any of my needs, not a one, for the past five months.

I just started the SAA book and I will try to finish it quickly, however I am familiar with the MB concepts and it just doesn't seem like she is willing to participate at all, which is going to make this very hard. I'm feeling pretty discouraged today.

As far as her being honest about the affair, I feel like if I know any more details about it I would simply go insane. I have a hard enough time dealing with the things I do know.

I asked her to go out to dinner this past weekend and she wouldn't even do that. I don't see any way to get in 20 hours of undivided attention...I'm trying to give family and domestic support, which I think are important to her. I've been providing financial support all along as well. But she won't allow SF or affection, or even much conversation. Whenever I try to engage her in it I tend to get one word answers. She..has just totally shut me out of her heart, and it is very discouraging. I don't think she would follow the MB plan since she basically hasn't met any of my needs, not a one, for the past five months...it just doesn't seem like she is willing to participate at all, which is going to make this very hard.

**edit**

As far as her being honest about the affair, I feel like if I know any more details about it I would simply go insane. I have a hard enough time dealing with the things I do know.

This is entirely your call. When you are absolutely sure that you can bear no more information about her betrayals, you do have the right to cut that off from her. (If she persists despite your mandate to stop, you should note her cruelty and work that factor into your "Stay/Go" calculation.) But once you cut off the data, you cannot restart it.

You're right, most of my post was just a vent. Thanks for letting me do it! As far as a question goes, I would welcome some specific information as to how you or others schedule 20 hours of UA time, given work schedules, children, and limited financial resources. I feel like this is my biggest struggle with the MB plan.

Pius, please don't let Neverguessed discourage you from using Dr Harley's program. It does not take 3 years for a WW to come out of withdrawal. Your wife is depressed because she just ended her affair. Withdrawal takes anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months.

Right now, she feels hopeless about your marriage and is not motivated to do the things necessary to recover your marriage. If you can afford to coach with one of the Harley children, I would go that route. They are sometimes very effective in motivating a reluctant spouse to get on board. What they will do is sell her on the prospect of restoring the passion and romance to your marriage. They are pricey, about $200 a session, but it is worth every penny. They are action/results oriented versus feelings oriented. If they can persuade to follow this program, her feelings will follow.

Many of us have used them with great success. If yuo want to try that route, click on the "coaching center" link at the top and it gives you all the necessary information.

Pius, what were your wife's complaints about you before her affair? What were the main issues in your marriage?

One of the main issues was that she never really did complain to me, she just burned with resentment and never spoke to me about it. However at one point she mentioned that I was not involved enough with the children and didn't help with domestic tasks, so I have really tried to step it up in those areas.

I think that is great. It shows that you are thougtful and caring. That won't help a whole lot, though, when it comes to restoring the romantic love in your marriage. In order to take it to that level, you will need to focus on the 4 intimate emotional needs during scheduled undivided attention time. However, she needs motivation to get to that level. Did you read my post about getting coaching with one of the Harley children? Dr Jennifer Chalmers and Steve Harley are super counselors that can make a difference.

If you can get her motivated, we can walk you and your wife through the steps of this program.

Yep I read that. I will see if she is interested. As you say, there is no way to meet many of these intimate emotional needs now, which is a main source of my frustration. The fact that I can't even convince her to go out to dinner with me, when she used to love eating out, says a lot. If that is impossible then obviously other even more intimate things are just a pipe dream at this point.

Pius - do not stop trying to get her to join you in time spent alone. Look for activities she might enjoy and invite her. Repeatedly. Get her out of the house with you.

In the meantime, do the same regarding family time. Look for fun things you might do as a family and try to get her involved in doing it. As you make love bank deposits through meeting that need, there is a good chance she will open up to being receptive to the bigger deposits that can be achieved through meeting the intimate emotional needs.

Do you engage her in conversation throughout the day?

Finish reading Surviving an Affair today, okay, friend? This can't afford to wait any more.

Are you on antidepressants, yet? That is a lot more productive than venting on a website, even this one.

Are you listening to the radio show DAILY? Direct instruction from Dr. Harley is something you can't do without.

Pius,

I agree with MelodyLane and markos. Can you afford MB coaching?

Will you at least email Dr Harley? Have you been into see your doctor for some ADs?

Do you listen to the radio show?

I will find some good radio clips for you.

Radio Clip

Tell us what you think.

Another one.
Radio Clip on Withdrawal

Since this three years figure seems to be about me, let me quickly add that I did not "Plan A for three years." If you subtract the time I spent LOVEBUSTING out of our recovery, you definitely aren't left with a 3 year Plan A.

MelodyLane is right that withdrawal is to be expected at this point in recovery. The things to keep doing are:
* keep snooping like a bloodhound
* make and execute a plan to MOVE, far away. Start a new life
* keep trying to involve your wife in spending time alone with you
* keep trying to meet what needs your wife will let you meet, especially family commitment time (spend 15 hours a week)
* keep getting educated about Dr. Harley's program (listen to that radio show every day - it is rebroadcast round the clock and there are Android and iPhone apps so it should be really easy to pick it up at some point during your day)

Pius, what I would do is set up an appointment with either Steve or Jennifer for yourself only. (They aren't going to counsel you together anyway) Tell them the situation and they can tell you what to say to her to influence her to counsel with them. Very often they will a client actual talking points.