My wife has the thread titled "Insecurities"
We talked and she seems okay about me posting on here and I think we could really use any kind of positive input so here goes.

I must say that I am extremely worried that even doing this is going to create more problems but I cannot stand the idea of losing my wife and I have to try. If you read her thread you will see that I have not been meeting her needs very well at all. I did not realize just how bad it was even though she has tried to tell me. I am an extremely green personality type and she is extremely blue. I guess seeing the numbers on the paper really hit home with me and I still cannot think about it without breaking down. For this I am very sorry and I am trying to better meet her needs. I have a lot to learn.

So it is clear from the questionnaire she has a lot of needs that are not getting met. Learning this in a way that made sense to me was a great thing, yes it hurts like hell but I feel like at least I am getting a grasp of how to try to make things better. It also became painfully clear just how important it was to her to be physically attractive to me. I did not like answering this part of the questionnaire but I am trying to stick with this radical honesty idea and so far it is a disaster. I gave her a 2 in the PA category because I was not thinking of how well she was meeting my needs so much as whether there was anything she could do to improve (remember very green personality type...there is always room for improvement).

My wife is a beautiful woman and people regularly guess her to be 10-15 years younger than she is. But she has next to zero confidence in her own beauty and self worth, I have known this since I have known her and I have to be a pretty strong person because of it.

So this questionnaire led to a very long line of questioning by her and I could see it was going nowhere good but I truly believe that you must not lie and not answering questions is often worse than any answer you could have given.

(she just got back from the gym now and she really has no idea how good she looks...even with both of us so upset she can make me smile)

Eventually we got to where we are now, she knows (always has) that I look at other women. Everyone in her thread thinks I am a gawker, but I don't think I am and I don't believe she thinks I am. Quite frankly her opinion is the only one that matters. I do admit to looking more than once sometimes and I am worried that she may consider that gawking but it does not amount to more than a few seconds. Anyhow, the real problem is not the amount of time I look at them it is her realization that I enjoy it. To me this went without saying, we have been married 12 years and this is not our first conversation on the subject. But this was new to her and now we have read a lot on the subject and of course most sources trace it back to instinct and that it is sexually related. I do not deny that on some subconscious level it probably is but if you cannot put that aside and use the brain between your ears as you walk around each day then you are not fit to be in public.

In her thread someone mocked my claim the it is not a sexual thing, and perhaps rightly so, there is plenty of science out there to say we react to physical attractiveness in a sexual way on at least a basic level. But if your thought process goes anywhere into the realm of what you might want to do with what you see, you are wrong. Whether you gawked, stared at, worked with all day, or simply noticed, you are still wrong.

With all of that said I am acutely aware that absolutely nothing matters except how it makes my wife feel. I am willing to admit that I have made a habit of checking out women even if for a few seconds I certainly do it and it is something I will improve. I realize that it is particularly disrespectful to do while my wife is with me and right now it is tearing us apart. She has bags packed.

I am not a closed minded individual and am asking for honest people with good intentions. I know I have a lot to do to pull things together and I need all the help I can get.

Babe...if I have said anything hurtful or out of line please believe that I am truly sorry.

So if you know it hurts your DW that you look at other women, why continue to do it?

Also if you know you aren't meeting her ENs what is your plan to start meeting her ENs?

Can you get 20 hours of UA time, meeting the 4 intimate ENs, in a week?

You need to get into the habit of quick glances only - a 2-second rule. You notice the woman, glance for two seconds only and look away. This is done even when your spouse is not present, so the new habit will be reinforced.

My H is so well-versed in this habit that he has trained himself not to even look most of the time.

Most women would find your habit of looking at women "for a few seconds" offensive.

Jeger, thanks so much for your post. I am very encouraged by your attitude and approach. The fact that you comprehend that her complaints are a good thing and not a bad thing is very promising. Dr Harley likens a complaint to getting an NSF notice from the bank. We might not like getting the notice but the alternative is worse.

In reading your situation, a couple of things stand out to me. The fact that you look at women is bothersome. Why wouldn't you stop this? I don't see my husband looking at women when we are out because ALL of his attention is on me. When reading your wife's posts, it is clear that you attention is NOT on her. It is on other people or your phone. You can change that habit if you start spending 20+ hours of unidivided attention time with her, focusing ALL of your attention on her meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. I think that will make a huge difference.

And skyrim needs to be so radically honest that she TEACHES you to become an expert at meeting her needs and making her feel like the CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE.

I don't know what a blue or green personality type means so I can't comment to the relevance of that. I don't think personality types mean much when it comes to marriages. What does matter is BEHAVIOR and ones approach to CHANGE.

Glad you posted, Jeger..

Welcome Jeger! I haven't been on in quite awhile for personal reasons but when I read your post I just had to respond. My late husband did this for "years" and he always said too that it was just a natural reflex (or habit), he was a "man" and that's what men do, how can a man NOT look, yada, yada, yada.

It wasn't until he "got it" that this natural reflex (or habit) could EASILY be retrained (or broken) -- if we stick with that story. In the last few years of our marriage, he finally got understood that not only was it disrespectful to me and to our marriage, but to who he was as a "man". He actually purposed in his heart and his mind to avoid "gawking" or looking. I would watch him sometimes when he was unawares, and he would purposely turn his head towards ME or something else when an attractive woman walked by. He would even grab ME or my hand and without a word make a statement to me that it was me he desired. There is nothing more appealing to a wife than her husband showing her respect and making her feel safe in this way. You can say all the right words, but the eyes don't lie. My husband made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet when he did this.

You said: "I am willing to admit that I have made a habit of checking out women even if for a few seconds I certainly do it and it is something I will improve."

So do it.

Lately when we have been out together I have definitely NOT been looking, I am not saying I have somehow instantly broken a 20 year old habit but I have actively focused my attention away from any females. Of course right now doing this is painful for my wife and she has said that she does not want me walking around like a whooped pup. I do not want that either but I have to start somewhere. Like I said before though, it is not so much the amount of time I have looked at someone, I am a somewhat shy person and it feels awkward for me to look at most any stranger for 3 seconds straight. I think we both agree I have some habits to break and I/we are working on those things.

Right now though,the biggest problem for her is trying to understand what kind of enjoyment men (I) get from an attractive woman anyhow. Like I said we have talked about looking at other people in that past and we both understand it is going to happen as neither of us are blind. She says she just never imagined that I enjoyed it and cannot even understand let alone forgive me for that. So right now it does not matter if I was jaw dropped gawking or an attractive woman jumped off a building and flew by the window at terminal velocity.

Even I am having trouble coming to an understanding of just what kind of enjoyment someone gets when you see an attractive person. I have always had a lot of respect for women and it really bothers me that I may have been (be?) "just another guy". Typical guy behavior of whistling, or making a comment of what he would "like to do with that" really piss me off, I do not want to be that guy even in the smallest way. My wife deserves more than just the average guy; she has believed for nearly 15 years that she had that in me and it completely breaks my heart that she may no longer think of me like that.

So how do we define the enjoyment that is possible in a simple glance? We are working on it and still talking a lot and coming to some good realizations and some more hurdles. I have hope.

As far as the 20 hours...I think we could do that, but we would have to get this hot topic settled at least enough to move on to other things, heck we might be spending 20 hours a week just talking.


We have been talking about her emotional needs and I am trying to make them a part of my life. She does not like the idea of me making a list so I am trying to remember and go and go over the questionnaire on occasion to remind myself.

I'm not sure why the enjoyment should be defined - attractiveness meets an emotional need for many (most) men. Emotional needs tend to be somewhat irrational and illogical.

The key here is that you need to take steps to make sure this need is not being met by other women, who would then be competing with your wife!

My wife knows full well that I would physically enjoy looking at other women.

She also knows that I do not do this - primarily because doing so would be VERY HURTFUL to her. There are other reasons, but that's the number one.

I don't look like a whooped pup, and I'm not sure how NOT looking at other women would make anyone look that way. Don't make a face about it - just simply don't do it - do something else instead!

A green person is actually the exact opposite of a blue. Green being very analytical and solitary. You would sell us something by giving us the spec sheet with all the technical details and then walk away and let us make up our mind. Blues are very emotion oriented and thrive on family and social relationships. You would sell them something by telling them how it is going to bring their family together..appeal to their emotions. This is why you could tell a green that they hurt your feelings but it might mean anything until they see a -2 on that questionnaire. It is also why a blue might not understand that +2 on the questionnaire is actually pretty darn good. It is helpful to know how people process things and how to give them what they need in a way that means something to them.

My wife did ask for some explanation of what you meant by the need to be radically honest in this situation..I said that it meant not to hide how she really feels...ever. Can you explain further?

Thanks to everyone who has shared, I really do appreciate everything. If anyone has more success stories like those that have been shared I would like to hear how you have overcome similar issues.

Ok so with this knowledge and the knowledge that it is impossible to not at least notice a woman that walks by you; how does your wife deal with the idea that you did notice and you did enjoy? Sure you redirected your attention immediately, but to her it is too late at that point...you have already noticed and the damage to her is done.

I do not think I actually look like a whooped pup for not looking at women...most likely I just feel terrible because I am thinking about how she is hurting just thinking that I might have noticed another woman.

I would drop the subject and agree to never bring it up again unless a new development occurs. Just stop doing it forever and stop talking about it. The sooner you stop talking about it the sooner you can leave it in the past.



Consider it settled and sit down tonight and schedule 20 hours of DATES. Schedule 4 - 4 hour dates where you give her undivided attention meeting each others intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation [nothing unpleasant!!], sexual fulfillment and rec companionship. No friends, no TV, no movies, no phones, it has to be romantic and it has be very focused on each other.

Can you do that?

SJ, very few men look at other women when they are on a first date with someone they really want to impress.

Just be that guy. Court your wife and just pay so much attention to her neither of you think about this topic.

Plan dates where you will have a lot of fun and your attention will have to be on each other.

Leave the phone at home too!

She needs to teach you how to make her happy. For example, when you are doing something that hurts or upsets her, she needs to bring it then so you can stop doing it. You can't fix a problem if you don't know what it is.


We overcame our marriage problems using this program and I am confident you can too! We only know how to screw up marriages, after all. But we transformed our marriages using these concepts.

Don't notice other women any more. Start placing all your focus on HER. Stay away from places you think might be tempting until you get out of the habit.


Then stop doing it!

The answer is you have to stop doing it. When you STOP doing it, there is no longer anything for her to deal with. My wife doesn't have to worry about the fact that I am physically capable of enjoying another woman because I don't remind her of that fact by shoving it in her face looking at other women.


You DON'T redirect your attention immediately, though, so you have no idea how much happier your wife will be when you start doing that and keep doing it for years.

MelodyLane is right - you need to STOP doing what you are doing and quit giving your wife (and us) long academic discussions about the fine details.


Acting really sad won't help her feel better, though. These problems aren't solved by getting really really emotional and dramatic about it.

(Plus - it means you're acting like a girl!)

A moping remorseful husband isn't attractive at all. What is attractive is a husband who dotes on his wife and gives her his attention instead of making a bunch of excuses for giving his attention to other women.

Act attractive - give attention - make love bank deposits => wife in love and willing to meet your emotional needs.

Do you guys live on a beach or other area where women tend to go around with lots of exposure?

If so - MOVE.

And don't spend your date/recreational time in places where women dress like that.

Go to nice restaurants where people keep their clothing on. Sit in a corner booth. Let your wife sit with her back to the wall, and you sit facing her with your back to the rest of the restaurant.

This paragraph I just quoted is the recipe you need to follow. You've already got a lot going against you, so you need to STOP giving your attention to other women and START doing the above and do a really, REALLY STELLAR job of it in order to counteract the negatives of the past. Start spending this time RELIGIOUSLY with your wife and do NOT spend ANY of the time on the phone, talking to other people, etc. DON'T try to do this with friends or family - it needs to be alone time. Undivided attention time. If you include friends or phones or family or televisions your attention is divided between your wife and other stuff, so it will not be nearly good enough.

And for heaven's sake, stop debating with your wife about whether it's normal for men to enjoy looking at women or not.

Can you commit to this lifestyle change? If you can't, you are condemning your wife to a life of unfulfillment. No amount of being sorry for it will make it better for her.

What the others have said is spot on. Your analyzing this too much. Think of everyone as simply people. You don't double take dudes; treat women like this. Not checking out other women doesn't make you look weak. It makes you look respectful.

All you needed to know is something is irritating your wife and cease it. And it goes both ways. My wife and I do a lot of drive by honesty in that we simply say "honey, it bugged me when you..." The why doesn't matter. And we don't have to justify to reach other or explain it. If something irritates the other, we stop doing that.

It has been years since I felt like my H was looking at some woman. When we are together all of his attention is on me. If anything, he complains sometimes that my attention is not on him.

BUT... the last time I saw him looking at a woman I said "were you looking at her??" He said "OMG, did you see how stupid her pants looked? I would be so embarrassed if my wife went around looking like that!!" We moved away from that town 7 years ago so it has been that long!

Was she wearing pants?