I think the point is that you accept his claims at face value, and do not second guess.

Tough, but essential.

It's about actions not just words. He says one thing but acts the opposite way

NB28,

Do you have access to Dr. Harley on the private boards?

No because we haven't POJAd the online program so we haven't got it yet.

Today was a little bit better, we had more pleasant UA time and he was a bit less grumpy. I had a chance to communicate with him and clear up a few things he was accusing me of and holding against me. I am happy he spoke about these things because I want openess and honesty at all times.

He says things like he is not enthusiastic about housework or things that are a standard part of overly day chores, like dr appointments etc. I said according to what I understand all things must be POJAd he claims that certain things like chores can't because they have to be done. I suggested posting his questions on here for clarification.

He says he is being constantly asked bout UA time, we have 18-20 ours UA time a week currently and none of these hours are any hours we are at the shop together these hours are autside of work. Our UA time is also concentrated in large chunks as opposed to being a little every day. For example at the weekend his parents take the kids for one day giving us a clear 6 hours of UA time In one go. If H is off then once the kids get home and are fed we have a further 3-4 hours UA time in the evening, so we can manage 1/2 the weekly UA time during the weekend. The rest is spread during the rest of the week.

I heard an excellent idea from the Harleys on chores.

Both of you make separate lists as to what needs to be done. Then come back here after you both made your lists.

BH,

The chores really aren't an issue we divide them well and both of us do our part together or separate, we communicate well about them and through MB I have learned that a little dirt in the house isn't going to kill anyone so our house is not spotless but its still good enough for us.

I must say H has always been good at domestic support, we need work on parenting the kids because I am the disciplinarian while he is their play buddy and this get a bit troublesome at times but I am happy to say we are working at this and things have improved greatly.

The reason he brought up housework was to demonstrate that it is not possible that we are always enthusiastic about things and undermining the POJA terminology to try and justify why he still played the game despite me not being enthusiastic about it. To him me saying im not enthusiastic does not translate to stopping doing whatever it is I am not enthusiastic about, as long as I don't complain he sees that as a green light to do things im not happy about.

Difference is housework got to be done gaming does not.

I am sure the capable folks of MB can set him straight on the POJA questions. I'm just glad he is keeping to the POJA of posting although I have a feeling this is going to be the next thing he won't be enthusiastic about.

I was wondering how yu did this. But who watches your kids when the kids are home? Do you go out?

Another huge issue here is the fact that you work opposing shifts. That means you are not together in your off work time which is a huge impediment because that is how couples grow apart and bad habits are started. Your H has got in trouble in the past for playing games when he was alone at home, for example. Have you heard Dr Harley discussing this problem on his radio show?

The other issue I see is his addiction to gaming. You do realize he has an addiction, right? He says he deleted the app but it takes 30 seconds to download an app. And even less to delete it later.

What can your husband do to coordinate his work schedule with yours?

MELODY!!!!

Your back, thank goodness for that. Hope you had a good brake.

UA time issue

Our UA time is in big blocks, I work 4 days a week he works 4 evenings a week, most weeks our week goes like this

Monday - I work from 10:30 till 4pm max H works 6pm so no UA time

Tuesday- I work from 10:30 till 4pm H off so we get 3-4 hours UA time once kids
in bed ( their bed time is 8pm).

Wednesday- I am off so if kids H working from 6 so we do UA time during the day while kids at school, we spend 4 hours going out for lunch/coffee, walking the dogs in nearby woods or just chilling together.

Thursday - I work from 10:30 till 4 H works 6pm so no UA time

Friday- same as Thursday

Saturday- both off kids have day with grandparents we have UA time during the day this is a minimum of 5 hours. Kids get home at 5 we do dinner and spend family time then kids to bed at 9 and we have more UA time of 3 hours. If we are doing ok finances wise we go on dates but this is very rare lately.

Sunday - no one is at work we spend the day as a family catching up on chores getting ready for the week ahead (scheduling UA time working out appontments etc) and once kids in bed squeeze in another 2-3 hours UA time, playing a board game, cards or SF.

This is a typical week we do housework when he stays at home and I'm at the shop or when he goes to work I do my chores. We get 18-20 UA time the only variant is if we have any medical appointment during the scheduled UA time then we end up with the 18 hours instead of 20.

Work wise it's all up in the air, H company has lost their contract so will ether be dissolved or get taken over by another company which will involve many changes to work hours etc.

My job situation is hanging as well as I applied for my dream job of paramedic (EMT in the US I think). I passed all the assessments and awaiting the final interview. We have discussed possibilities of him being a stay at home dad and me working or him working part time or setting up his own business if I get this job.

To add to the pot I run a shop in our local town, it is my shop co owned with a family member.

I understand working opposite shifts is not good however I don't mind it as much as its 4/7 days of the week so we have 3 full weekdays clear for us.

Addiction wise.

Yes yes and yes again, he is addicted to the game, he has this habit of getting into something and not understanding moderation, when he took up cycling it had to be all day everyday, when he took up car modifying it was just as bad and when he got into football season I may as well have been the invisible woman. He has no moderation button it's either all or nothing.

He acts just like a wayward fighting to give up his OW when he gets hooked on something but I am not his mother, I am his wife and I am simply sick of going through this cycle and moderating him. When he has a moment of clarity he can see and admits he has a problem but most of the time he's trying to get around it and get his way.

I am monitoring him and know his behaviour patters very well, I will know if he downloads this game again and I am very lucky that he has and always has been a terrible liar. If I so much as sense he has gone anywhere near that game again without POJA or anything like that I'm going into plan B stat.

There are no second chances now and I am not rising to any tantrums he is throwing right now game wise, I am treating him like an addict in withdrawal, staying calm, loving and not biting at the bate he throws at me.

I would strive to work around this, beucase it is not good for marriage to be off at different times. That leaves you both ALONE in a huge part of your time off. And with your husbands addiction issues, that is not a good thing!

Thanks for the welcome back!

By the time you catch him in a lie - and all addicts lie - it will be too late. A better plan would to coordinate your work schedules so you are off work at the same time. That way he doesn't have a CHANCE to develop new addictions.

If he has any snap at all, he will be able to figure out how to download the game and hide it. It is better to just remove the opportunity..

ML

That's precisely why he comes to the shop with me most days, it's in a quiet location with maybe 15-20 customers on a good day so we get to potter around the shop together, watch DVDs or hang out with the locals.
This is the way it has been but now he is retaliating and saying that he is no longer enthusiastic about coming to the shop with me. As per classic POJA we did nothing, I am now going to the shop alone he is not with me.

How do we get around this?

The only time he gets alone is I between jobs during his work shift, that I have no control over he drives around and although I can GPS/worksheet track he is where he is supposed to be attendant to the right jobs at the right time I can't have any way to monitor his activity in between jobs when he gets 20mins to 2 hours brakes.

Get jobs that are at the same time. That way your off work time is spent together. Your evenings are together, your meals are together, everything.

NB28, your husband's attitude about POJA is alarming. Your marriage will not recover if he continues to try to carve out exceptions. I urge you not to tolerate any exception to the POJA whatsoever.

Have you read this Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Do you think your H is a buyer?

Update

Went on the family holiday had a great time with the kids however I think I was seriously deluded to think that I would get to spend any quality time with H as it turned out we were so focused on the kids we didn't see each other much and when the kids went to sleep we were just too exhausted to even talk.

Struggling back at home now. H is back in "gaming" withdrawal and been shutting me out.

Decided to give up the shop at the end of this month and concentrate on UA time as he does not want to come to the shop anymore because he isn't enthusiastic about it.

Don't know what else to do being patient and not LBing at all just feel a bit distant due to the lack if UA time while on holiday.

Feeling down and alone.

Did anything change with respect to your work schedules?

Susie I just stated I am closing the shop at the end of the month so I will no longer be employe.