I just read about plan A & B. I am so confused as to how to behave. I don't want to get back into a role I resented "the martyr wife". Doing everything without asking him or expecting help. So when he walks in the house and declares he is hungry do I jump up and get him something to eat as I usually would have done or do I let him know what is available?
Last night at home went well until it was time for him to leave. I panicked thinking he was off to see OW. So I gave him a look which conveyed that. Today he told me that it was wrong to do that especially in front of our daughter. He hates everything I do. How do I get him to see me as a wife he would want to come home to?

Plan A: Eliminate all your love busters. Get the book Love Busters or at least read about all of them on this website.

Plan A doesn't mean you have to jump to meet all your spouse's needs. If your H comes in saying he's hungry, reply courteously. Sure, get him something nice to eat.

It's not being a doormat. It's expressing your willingness to meet his needs when he joins you in a program of marital restoration. You will only be in Plan A for about three weeks. Be James Bond "cool."

Should you have to go into Plan B, you want his last memories of you to be pleasant, someone he would miss.

For now, concentrate on getting proof of an affair. That needs to be placed top on your priorities, along with eliminating love busters.

Once you get your evidence, come back here and we'll help you through the next steps. Get the evidence as soon as possible.

MM, did you hire a PI yet?

yes, i meet with him tomorrow, i am very confident he will find something he is getting a little sloppy thanks for all of your support!

my biggest question is how do i tell him i know. another friend was given the advice to say "i know what you have been doing and with whom, you've been seen". i will reread the exposure 101 but i know he will blame me for the affair. i get the feeling i will have to make my tongue bleed to stop from responding

my biggest question is how do i tell him i know. another friend was given the advice to say "i know what you have been doing and with whom, you've been seen". i will reread the exposure 101 but i know he will blame me for the affair. i get the feeling i will have to make my tongue bleed to stop from responding

Once the PI brings you your evidence, tuck it away.

Then set your husband down and tell him you know he is having an affair and with whom. Don't tell him your source; just tell him you know about it and that you have proof. Say it calmly without sounding angry. Tell him that his affair has been very painful for you and that he needs to end his affair right away.

Don't take the blame for his affair. That was entirely his doing and decision.

Read through the Carrot and Stick thread again, very carefully: Here

Don't threaten exposure! Don't even talk about exposure.

If he does not agree to end his affair, that's the time for exposure. But first, get your evidence, then come back here.

Do you have the book "Surviving an Affair?" You should get it as soon as possible.

I am so flipping angry!!! I know WS spent the night with the OW and he spent the next morning lecturing me that giving him a look while he was on his way to "work" was so out of line and so bad on so many levels and that this is why he can never go back to me. I have not told him yet that I know, waiting for PI proof. How I know is an email sent to a colleague of his saying that he was leaving our home town the next morning, not in the evening as he professed. I am at the major angry stage. Fortunately he is out of town on business, (maybe with her?) and I don't have to see him. I am still astonished at his level of deceit and cruelty to me. Right now I am thinking screw it, why be with this selfish WS. Has anyone else gotten to and through this stage?

In the meanwhile, I have apologized for the look and have sent many caring texts and have listened to him complain about his work schedule.

don't worry about that! Just get the evidence and come back and we will help you with next steps.

Have you read my exposure thread? I would start working on your exposure list and writing your letters. Does the OW have a facebook page? If so, go copy and paste her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.

Also start looking into how you can upload your evidence onto a web page and you can send out the link in your exposure messages.

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVEN!!

My suggestion would be to expose the affair FIRST. Then he will find out from OTHERS that you know about his affair.

yes, great thread! will continue getting evidence and promise to get back to you, thanks for your help!

We will help you make the best use of the evidence so you have the BEST CHANCE at saving your marriage. I know it is upsetting, but as long as you can put aside your emotions and follow a plan, you have a chance. Hang in there, Mediamom!

That would be a good idea -- expose first and let him find out you know that way.

If he asks me how I found out all of the evidence, do I have to tell him how I found out, ie, snooping on emails?

"I am having you watched." Tell him that is ALL you will divulge.

Of course not. If you divulge your source of information, he'll change his technique.

You simply demonstrate that you know, such as her name, where they last met or whatever, without providing any details regarding HOW you know.

You don't want him knowing HOW you gather the information because if he does, those sources will dry up.

And you do not have to become a stepford wife.

Just think about the 10 typical Emotional Needs, and figure out which ones are his most important.
Does he like affection? rub his back or hold his hand...
Does he like to be admired? find something to appreciate...
etc. stroke his ego a bit...

Work on meeting those needs.

Absolutely do not reveal your sources of information. And lock up your evidence. Do not keep it at home.

You have to get confirmation and evidence - this may be easy (mine was easy) or may take a long time, depending on how good of a hider your husband is.

Once you have evidence, drag them both into the light of truth so that they can feel the reality of what they have done - for your husband's own well-being you cannot allow him to live in this world of lies and darkness and betrayal. Once they are in the light they will either try to claim their "love" or they will admit they were wrong right then.

My husband and the OW initially tried to claim their love but it did not last long (8 weeks). In the light of the real world of children and families, the "foundation" affairs are built on crumble. I knew it was going to crumble but it was a dark time and if you don't want a divorce, you have to prepare yourself to fight this fight. If you love your husband it is worth it.

I had a similar situation (background) to yours and I can tell you that it does get a lot better, but it's going to probably get a lot worse first. Be strong, get evidence and then get the Book **edit**. Trust me - it's amazingly helpful.

xxo

Hi all,
so WH came home at 6:15am from a trip, he came running upstairs to get changed into his suit for work (apparently no time for a shower or brushing his teeth) said he needed to run a breakfast meeting. These meetings are about a 5minute drive away and always start at 7:30. I was super nice and supportive, then I asked him to take our DD to the bus stop, comes at 7:05. He was quite annoyed, because this was a really important meeting. (sorry, but I had a secret pleasure in delaying his pleasure). I called the PI once he left, the PI couldn't find his car and said he did finally get to the breakfast meeting by 8. Then he lost him as he drove back to OW's place. We cannot find where he is hiding his car, must be parking elsewhere then she picks him up. I really feel like I have enough evidence just with this and just want to expose him.
Before he left the house he started talking about his cousin who just got kicked out of his house. He asked if there was anymore information. I said no and that I hope he wasn't cheating on her. He replied, maybe she drove him to it. I said there is no acceptable excuse for infidelity and he is 100% responsible for his actions. Then he said, why do I get the feeling we aren't talking about my cousin. So I asked him why he would think that, he didn't have a good answer. So I asked him if there was anything that I should know, he laughed and said no. Then he proceeded to lie to me and the kids about this really important breakfast meeting so my daughter had to get to the bus stop early.
What do you think? Should I go for it?

I also have emails and facebook stuff---all of which could be explained by a liar.