Truer words could not be spoken. In fact, that will be true whether you stay married or get divorced.

Mrs. W

She has been done with this marriage for years.

She will not end her affair. Even exposed they are living a lie!!!! Acting like a teenager again while I sit and wait for a divorce? No fixing this.

Yes, we know. They ALL have "been done for years." That is a classic justification used by cheaters. They rewrite history as part of the justification campaign. However, it is not a justification to have an affair. The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not have an affair.

Ah, like Melody posted the re write is to justify a WS's behaviour, they need to find an excuse (in their mind)for the A. All WS follow a pattern of behaviour, they all claim they fell out of love x yrs ago or were never in love. It's often not until they have an AP that they "suddenly realise" they weren't attracted to their spouse. You need to ignore the fogbabble and focus on MB plans for your personal recovery and hopefully the recovery of your marriage.

As other posters have mentioned while your WW is in an active A she won't allow you to meet her EN. You can however still plan A and be the best Ah you can be.

Ah,

Your situation and your WW are not one bit unique. Seriously.

EVERY.SINGLE.WAYWARD.ACTS.LIKE.A.TEENAGER.IN.HEAT.

They all use what they think are cute, little sayings and other gag-inducing language with each other. They all have a sudden burst of renewed energy as though they are freaking Ponce De Leon and have actually discovered the fountain of youth.

For Real. Waywards read from the same stinkin' script! The very same backwards logic is used by every wayward that has ever walked the planet, Ah -- No kidding.

I was no exception, and I cringe if I ever think back 8 years ago and remember the piles of rubbish that spewed from my mouth or went through my brain -- I am completely mortified by the me from back then. It's so embarrassing and shameful that I die if any of it ever comes to mind -- I'm embarrassed in front of myself!

And I'll tell you something else -- one of the things that brought me out of my fog was reading the threads here and seeing that I was not in the least bit unique or special. I was just like every other wayward -- every one of them thought and talked and acted the exact same way -- talk about egg on your face. *I am not suggesting you bring your WW to MB right now -- her affair would have to be completely killed before she should ever be brought here. This is your safe place to strategize and learn how to slay the affair for good.

If you don't believe me that all waywards are the same -- read a few threads and it will become crystal clear to you. Heck, click on my name and go back to 2005 and read my stuff from then -- it's gross and terribly embarrassing, but it will paint you a graphic picture of waywardness in all it's cookie-cutter, disgusting, "glory".

So if you want to save your marriage and family we can help you and give you the best shot at doing just that. I will say you will need to be a bit more forthcoming and detailed in your posts so we are better able to advise you. All is not lost, Ah -- you CAN battle and conquer this demon if you're up for it -- your WW is exactly the same as all the other wayward addicts that have come before her -- The choice is yours.

Mrs. W

Ah,

If instead of engaging in an affair your wife were to have become addicted to crack and someone called and told you that she was lying on the floor of a crack house -- Would you go get her? What if when you got there you found her with a crackpipe in her hand, she fought you and told you she didn't want to go -- you know, like any crack addict would do. Would you just say "okay" and leave her there? Or would you wrench the pipe from her hand, throw her over your shoulder and rescue her? Would you understand in that situation that once you separated her from her addiction she would not view you as the enemy anymore, but her hero?

The situation you are in currently is no different than the scenario that I described above -- the only thing different is the source of your wife's addiction.

Mrs. W,
A VERY GRATEFUL, RESCUED, FORMER WAYWARD WIFE

Well can't remove the source and my choice is to end the marriage. She doesn't want the affair to end and doesn't want the marriage. Time for my happiness and protect the kids.

As I told you before Ah, if your choice is to end the marriage then I certainly understand. I would point out to you though, that even if that is the case, "removing the source" IS still possible and is definitely in the best interest of your children. You most certainly don't want some skanky OM in their lives, regardless of the survival of your marriage. You should still do everything within your power to bust up this affair and get that scumbag as far away from your children as possible. Your children are at great risk around this creep.

If you could be a bit more forthcoming regarding your exposure of the current affair, then we would be better able to help you strategize and get OM out of the lives of your kids.

Mrs. W

Ah I agree with Mrs W. I hope you will listen and take her advice on board. You are in a wonderful position to have the benefit of her insight and knowledge. She has helped many posters on these forums.

The benefits to your children if you bust the A:

1. NC with OM
2. Bust the A, WW defogs and the children "regain" their mother.

Whilst your WW is in the A she will NOT be a good parent regardless of the type of parent she was pre A. If you read other threads, mine included you will see how damaging this is. My WH pre A was a wonderful loving caring father, he attended every game and event, his children were his priority. He has seen his children 3 times in 14 mths and he tried to financially starve us out of our family home. He is unrecognisable from the man he was pre A.

I understand if you do not want to save your M, but at the very least busting this A may help your children get their "mother" back.

In this small town I told his family. Mutual friends. Friends of mine on FB exposed them. Everyone knows. So I'm not sure what else can be done to get him out of my kids life. The kids know him also

How is custody for the children shaping up? How can you ask your wife to be a better mother to her children, by stopping cheating on their dad?

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1



//

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

This was her second affair 7 months. She is done with the 17 year marriage. I took part of the blame the first time and improved myself changed for the better of the marriage. She jumped into the heart and arms of another man. She told me "no one will ever love me the way you do" why is that not enough I don't have a clue. Once a cheater always a cheater must be true. I "love you but it's different". Love would not treat me this way. I am morning the death of my marriage. Reality is starting to hit her. I have stoped trying. You "deserve better" she says. She is right I do!!!!!

As someone who very recently found out his WW was having a year and a half long affair, I can definitely empathize and have had some similar thoughts myself. However, as a Christian I also believe in showing love even when none is shown to me, and in doing what's best for others even when it may not be in my own immediate interests. For that reason I decided I would do all I could to fight to keep my own vows, even when WW broke hers. I would also continue to show her love, even when she refused and still refuses to love me. I know for my children, and I have five of them, that it will by far be the best outcome if we are able to stay together. In my case after at one point being in the depths of despair, I am now feeling hopeful for the future and we are beginning the long and slow road to recovery. So I would just suggest to you that even though things seem really dark, you may want to keep fighting and not give up just yet.

Two affairs in 7 months. Our marriage is dead you have made that clear. You are right there is nothing u can say or do to make it right. I am morning the loss of our marriage like the death of a loved one. It hurts bad. It hurts deeply. You are turning into to the person you hated so much and it kills me to watch it. I love you so deeply and you are gone for ever. We just don't have the papers to say so but I know your gone. You are not the one I loved. Not the one I want to love me. You will regret your decisions a million times over. I will wonder if there was anything else I could have done. Who will be at your death bed holding your hand lust or love? Then I ask will anyone be at my death bed? Since no one loves me. No one feels for me the way I do for you. Guess no one will ever. I prayed in the church alone tonight in the dark where we took our vows for you. Not for us but for you. I'm scared for you. I'm scared where you are going is dark and lonely. You are a hurting sole and I'm sorry I couldn't help you. No you didn't think you could ever do this to me. When you were ****edit****. I don't know who you are now. My love is true. I wish you the best in finding who you are. Finding your identity. I knew who you were. Everyone knew your identity. No one knows your identity now not even you. I fear the cold alone nights after everyone has forgotten our mess. Then what?

You have stood up for the values of marriage by snooping and disclosing your wife's affair. You have looked for ways to improve yourself through counseling, and participating in Marriage Builders forums. I would encourage you to look for signals that your wife is repenting, and in position to be encouraged back to the values of motherhood and marriage.


You may be correct that your marriage cannot now be saved. I personally keep working on my skills in meeting my wife's emotional needs, so that if a divorce occurs in the future, that I at least have the habits and skills, to be able to meet the needs of some future woman.




This sounds to me like you have achieved a deep level of trust for communication with your wife.


Thanks for keeping us posted. I am sure people have been praying for a positive result.

//

No Ah, that is not true. People can and do change. There are many, many examples scattered all over these forums. If this were not true, my husband and I would not be here 8 years later posting on these forums trying to help people who find themselves in the horrible place we were in all those years ago.


Ah,

How long between her affairs? It seems to me there was very little time in between, but I could be wrong and would like clarification from you.

*IF* I am correct and there was almost no time in between OMs then this *may* be an instance in which 2 affairs can be looked at [in some ways] as 1 affair, or perhaps better stated, as one wayward time period/event. I am not suggesting that you aren't doubly hurt by her actions -- I would be too -- anyone would be. Also, I am not trying to minimize the damage your WW has done to your marriage and family -- she has certainly throw a couple of big grenades, but what I mean is, she may not be considered a "serial cheater", and that is a good thing when you are considering recovery. *IF* she pretty much jumped from one OM to another it's more as though she transferred her addiction to a new "drug of choice" -- she remained in an addicted state and didn't want her "high" to end no matter where it came from. It's as though OM1 was "crack cocaine" and OM2 was "cocaine" -- "Crack" was taken away [through exposure], and unfortunately, she had a stash of "Cocaine" nearby, and she used before she could get into a treatment program and go through withdrawal. It's the same "bender", so to speak. Do you understand?

If you can separate your wife from the "OM Drug", and allow her to go through withdrawal, the wife you once knew and loved can and likely will come back to her senses.

We CAN help you with this, Ah, BUT as I've continued to say to you throughout, we need you to be MORE present in your thread and far more detailed. We need to dialogue with you, Ah -- rather than just reading sporadic blog entries from you.

If you are up for that, you can start by answering some questions -- Okay?

Who is the current OM? Does your wife work with him? If not, how did they meet?

Is he married?

If so, have you exposed to his wife?

Who else have you exposed to?

HOW did you expose to all that you exposed to? Specifically, what did you say to each exposure target?

Any details you can give -- big or small -- would be very helpful...

There are times when I read posts from you Ah, and I think you are done -- and other times I read things you say which seem to indicate that you are not done. It's a confusing place you find yourself in, no doubt, so indecision is understandable -- I'm not trying to beat you up -- I would like to help you. All of the people posting to you are doing so because they want to help you through this devastating time, but in order to do that we need you to do your part and talk to us. Do you want help, Ah?

Mrs. W