You need to expose.
You have been told this many times.
Dr Harley would encourage you to expose.
Why are you posting an email to your counselor when you should be exposing?

Good luck with your plan.
Dr Harley is very clear on the necessity of exposure.
But if you know more than kudos to you
You didn't finish the verse, Christ loved the Church giving up His life for it. Go hang yourself on a cross and become a self mad martyr for your marriage. Will that help your kids?

Do you think God wants you to fight for your marriage and kids or be a martyr?

your plan is likely doomed and a year from now you'll be talking to the same counselor wondering what happened

That is why exposure is such a powerful weapon. It DECOMPARTMENTALIZES the secret.

Okay - I get it.
No threats. No forewarning. Just do it.
What am I afraid of? I'm afraid it won't do anything but throw her deeper into the affair (this is what is promised in "Surviving An Affair")- she's a very stubborn woman. All my friends are saying, "Don't be the angry spiteful loser husband. Wait it out and let the OM become the loser (in her mind).

I DO want her out of the house, though.

11 years and she seems like she has changed. I am losing faith/confidence that she considers anything good about our 11 years worth fighting for. Strike that - I have NO confidence.

My 7 yr-old boy, in the aftermath of me telling the children, said to me, "I pretty much don't think about it, Dad. I did ask Mommy this, though: 'Mommy, will um you ever sleep in the same bed as Daddy again?' (I had told them that Mommy is sleeping upstairs and I downstairs and that we aren't in the same bed anymore). And she told me, 'Never, never, never, ever, ever again will I sleep in the same bed with Daddy.'"

My 9-yr old daughter hasn't had any conversations with WW at all since then. They just do their thing - go shopping, go to play dates, etc.

I've heard one famous talk radio host (apparently persona non grata here?) say "Choose wisely, treat nicely" and the takeaway after some of this is, "Maybe I did not choose wisely. That relationship at the time of marriage was tenuous at best, and never got better."

I am still a relatively young-looking 45-year old with a 25-35 good years left in me.

I noticed that her counselor gave her a book called "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to stop being hurt". She is blaming this on my 'emotional abuse'. And perhaps there is some truth to it. And I think it is a good thing if she can work through that with a professional. But the problem is that that Loser OM has never abused her emotionally - he is her hero!

You can sure bet he will abuse her emotionally when the affair is exposed to the light of day.

NO, it does not "throw her deeper into the affair" and SAA does not say that. She is ALREADY deep into the affair. She is not going to get any deeper. Exposure causes the affair to crumble because affairs thrive on secrecy. All you are doing is making it easier for her fantasy to thrive by keeping it secret in certain parts of her life. You allow her to keep up a charade.

WE have NEVER EVER told you to be an "angry, spiteful loser husband." We have told you to fight for your marriage and take strategic steps to end her affair. The affair has already gone on for 4 years, surely you can see it is not going to end all on its own? You do see this, right?

And yes, all wayward wives are stubborn. Nothing new there.


That is like saying that the crackhead has really "changed" since he started doing crack. Yes, we know your wife has changed. She is in the throes of an addictive affair.


The reason that ALMOST ALL wayward wives accuse their husbands of being "abusive" is becasue that is their defense. The "logic" goes something like this: "my husband was abusive therefore I am entitled to have an affair." That is so cute and winsome but not relevant to the issue at hand.

Your best chance at saving your marriage is to do a nuclear exposure. Leave them no place to hide. The longer you wait, the less effective it will be. You are up against a long term affair and can't afford to be cuttng corners and missing opportunities like this.

What does this mean? Do they think you will be a WINNER if you sit by idly and twiddle your thumbs while YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO BUST UP THE AFFAIR AND DIDN'T TAKE IT? That is real easy for your firends to say when IT IS NOT THEIR OX GETTING GORED. Ask them what you will do in 10 years when you are divorced because you took their silly, misguided conflict avoiding advice?

Are they going to be there to pick up the peices for you? No, it will be you - ALL ALONE. They won't have to live your regrets that you didn't act while you had the chance.

That's correct! I'm not sure what you read in SAA but you might need to reread more carefully.


That is correct! Dr. Harley is adamantly opposed to anger in marriage. He takes a very, very hardline stance against it. Dr. Harley classifies an angry outburst as temporary insanity and asks "is it beneficial for you to go temporarily insane sometimes in life?"

There is no "angry spiteful husband" plan being offered here. Just a calm unilateral action taken on the advice of an expert (Dr. Harley) who has been counseling and specializing in infidelity for decades.

(Hint: your wife won't do anything nice for you in exchange for you not exposing her affair. She won't be kinder in divorce. She won't be a better mother to the children. She won't come running back into your arms. Keeping her secret is of absolutely no benefit to you whatsoever. In fact it is of no benefit to her, either - all you do is allow her to continue to compartmentalize and deceive herself to allow the most destructive decision of her life to continue. That's terrible for you and her, and terrible for your children whether you divorce or not.)

So how do I tell the homeschool parents? Like, exactly what words do I use to keep them from thinking, "Wow. She is such a nice and competent teacher. He must be crazy to be telling us this. He doesn't even know us. Sounds like he's trying to stir up something."

Shall I say in an email something like:
Dear ____
It is with sadness that I want to share some information that I believe you will want to make a decision on regarding your children's education here at ______ school program.
My wife has been having an adulterous affair with another married man for four years and continues to do so while still wanting to live in the same house and continue teaching at __________ and hosting classes in our home. I confronted her with evidence nearly 4 weeks ago and she admitted it and said she wants a divorce. I have asked her to stop and to attend counseling with me to work it out for our own sake and for the benefit of our children, but she has said "No." I have an objection to the behavior, obviously, but your children are not mine, and you have a right to know and then determine for yourselves whether she is still a fit teacher and hostess for your child/children. I am fighting for my marriage and family and all we dreamed of 11 years ago, so I'm sure you can understand why I would contact you. Please ask her to do the right thing."

I cannot recall if there should be any appeal to the parents to ask her to the right thing or not.



About SAA para-phrasing: I apologize about "deeper in the affair" - I meant to say "deeper into his arms" I'm pretty sure that's what was promised. I don't have SAA handy right now.. But I think you know my point.

THEY (the friends and the counselor) are saying that my calm, unilateral action (even telling the kids on my own) is the "Anger" coming out and potentially harmful to the children.

That looks perfect to me, AR2. I would probably include an appeal to them to encourage her to do the right thing, especially if this is a religious homeschool group or somewhat close-knit group of friends.

I'm pretty sure it says exactly the opposite. I'm pretty sure SAA argues against the point you are making.

Here is what Surviving an Affair actually says:

They can say whatever the want. Everybody will make up their own opinion.

I am pretty sure you completely misunderstood. Dr Harley views exposure as therapeutic because it is ruinous for the affair.

No, it's not. They are just making stuff up based on inexperienced personal opinion.

If you give antibiotics to a sick person is it your "anger coming out and potentially harming the children?" The above comment is just nonsense.

No one could have put it better.